If it’s Christmas, it must be time to learn what America shoved inside itself. The only worthwhile holiday tradition pushes on.

College football players have made it abundantly clear that they know and enjoy a good butt; whether it be just for pokin’ or actual strategy, they’re thankfully none too shy about letting reporters in on the secrets of the tush.

Read one particular way, the history of cycling is a history of riders doing all they can to stretch past the natural limits of the human body. Cheating has been at the very heart of cycling since its inception and riders have tried, at various points throughout the sport’s history, strychnine, EPO, cocaine, wine,…

Sports!

We had fun looking at Jay Cutler’s bare vacation ass yesterday, but I’m not sure if anyone had a more joyful reaction to it than Cutler’s former teammate, Brandon Marshall.

Colon cancer is a serious issue, and the American Cancer Society recommends everyone over the age of 50 should be getting a colonoscopy every 10 years. If that applies to you but you are feeling squicky about a doctor putting stuff in your butt, please draw inspiration from Jim Harbaugh:

Being a professional is about always showing up to work and being prepared to get naked if the job calls for it, which it occasionally does. Shawn Stefani hit into a water hazard fully clothed and got out of it in just his briefs.

Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

A tipster at the World Series sent us the following photo of a man operating in the men’s room with maximum mobility and minimum shame. As you can see, his fellow fans appreciated the entertainment and distraction from their team’s gloomy performance.

A man in a LeSean McCoy jersey drank some alcohol through a pair of buttcheeks at today’s tailgate. Who needs an ice luge when you can use a butt luge?

The New York Post just published a cool update on how Tom Brady’s been spending his Ballghazi suspension: tanning his large white ass in Italy.

Squawka is a very popular soccer statistics website, boasting some 370K Facebook fans and 592K Twitter followers. Most readers expect geeky soccer analysis and statistical breakdowns of, say, how the Bayern Munich midfield passed to each other. What they didn’t expect was an extreme close up of a butthole, which the…

Right in the butt!

Today, Miami Marlins outfielder Christian Yelich tweeted, then deleted the following:

Golf is, allegedly, a gentleman’s game. Some may make the argument that thinly veiled ass is gentlemanly, and I’m in no position to debate them, especially considering that Gary Woodland’s trousers were white. Is showing your butt (but just a little bit) more noble than getting your pants all muddy?

It’s Christmas Day, and you know what that means: time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. We’re looking for the weirdest, least explicable, and most awkward objects that America has shoved inside its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

The Bills played in Philadelphia on Sunday, but Buffalo’s horde travels well. Here’s a pair of them halting a vehicle’s path with their butts, accompanied by “Fly Eagles Fly.”

Cambridge United beat Notts County 3-1 in League Two yesterday, thanks in part to Ben Williamson’s butt, which scored the go-ahead goal. The butt in question is the second-highest scoring ass of League Two, after Josh Windass, who has 10.

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering cereal, punt returns, bread prices, pooping, and more.

This Bills fan, spotted at a tailgate around 9:30 a.m. by a tipster, needed to heed the call of nature. He did so with his hands on his hips, clad in a Jim Kelly jersey, pantsless.