champions Page 79 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
America's Beautiful Wonderteen, Christian Pulisic, Just Ran Through Real Madrid<em></em>
Borussia Dortmund, one of the world’s very best soccer teams, found themselves down against Real Madrid, the most famous sports team on the planet, in a Champions League match today. Looking to change the game, they turned to a goddamn American child, 18-year-old Christian Pulisic, to save the day. ...
Known Man-Eating Fish Strikes England, Devours Goalkeeping Coach On Pitch
A tragedy was narrowly avoided this weekend when a gigantic, basketball jersey-clad fish, presumably hired as the halftime entertainment for the day’s Derby County-Blackburn match, attacked a poor goalkeeping coach in the middle of its act. Luckily, the man was not seriously harmed....
Leicester City Aren't Done Yet
Leicester City won the Premier League last season, so this year they’re in the Champions League. Let me repeat that: Leicester City, a team that three seasons ago was happily dashing about in England’s second tier, somehow plucked up more points than Manchester United and Arsenal and Liverpool and C...
Edinson Cavani Is A Hero
Maybe we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe Edinson Cavani—the once world-bestriding striker who now seems trapped in his own private purgatory, one where his intelligent movement and powerful runs allow him to crash through defenses at will, only for all semblance of confidence and skill and ...
Here's Barcelona, Literally Walking The Ball Into The Net
Great goals come in all shapes and sizes. A particularly satisfying kind of wondergoal is the one where the players tip-tap the ball between each other, snaking their way through the entire defense with technique and quickness rather than brute physicality, and only sliding the ball over the goal li...
Here's Why Yaya Touré Was Left Off Manchester City's Champions League Roster
When last we heard talk of Yaya Touré, it involved Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola extolling the virtues of the star midfielder he nevertheless had repeatedly refused to include in City’s matchday squads. Guardiola remarked that the Ivorian was “training amazing,” but because the manager expec...
Here Is Your Champions League Group Stage Draw
The Champions League playoff round finished up yesterday—Roma losing on aggregate 4-1 to Porto and Ajax losing 5-2 to Rostov were the most consequential results—which means we are on to the group stage! Here are the groups that were drawn today:...
No, Club Soccer's Greatest Tournament Is Not Being Ruined Right Before Our Eyes<em></em>
If you haven’t been paying attention for the last couple decades, European soccer—the premier stage for the world’s most popular sport, where the clubs keep getting bigger and richer as more and more people around the globe get access to the best leagues and competitions, funneling even more money i...
These Two Roma Dudes Damn Near Broke A Couple Porto Players' Legs
Check out the above horror-tackle Roma’s Emerson put on Porto’s Jesús Corona in today’s Champions League playoff, and know that it was only one of two near leg-breakers the Italian team inflicted on their opponents....
Panel of Droids Discuss Liverpool and Barcelona's Prospects
Towards the end of the halftime break in Liverpool-Barcelona on Saturday, ESPN’s Ian Darke sent viewers from Wembley Stadium back to the studio, which sometime during the commercial break had moved to the Mos Eisley Cantina....
Twitter Prankster Fools Sky Sports Into Reading Made Up Facts About Team From Gibraltar
Yesterday afternoon, Celtic lost a 1-0 stunner in Champions League qualifying to the Lincoln Red Imps, who are a semi-professional team from Gibraltar. A police officer scored the lone goal, and Celtic now have to win at home to avoid getting bounced by the best team from a country of 30,000....
Mighty Celtic FC Lose Champions League Qualifier To Lincoln Red Imps, Who We Swear Are A Real Team
Celtic FC’s annual European humiliation came early this year, as they lost today in the Champions League second qualifying round against a team of semi-professionals from Gibraltar. A police officer scored the only goal in the 1-0 victory. ...
Sprinter's Reaction To Learning He Won Euro Championship Gold Is Priceless
Spanish sprinter Bruno Hortelano placed second in the 200m at this week’s European Championships in Amsterdam, setting a new national record for Spain in the process—but a post-race inquiry revealed the runner who placed first in the final, Dutchman Churandy Martina, would be disqualified for leavin...
UFC Throws Reporter Out Of Event, Bans Him For Life For Reporting News
Imagine the NBA having Adrian Wojnarowski escorted out of a game in the third quarter and banning him for life for having reported a trade rumor. Ridiculous as it seems, a scenario exactly like this just happened at a UFC show....
So What If Real Madrid Got Lucky?
Depending on your prejudices and proclivities, there are two ways you can view Real Madrid overcoming Atlético Madrid on penalties in this weekend’s tense but unspectacular Champions League final. One’s perhaps a little too cynical, the other a touch too positive, but both are mostly fair and accura...
Yannick Carrasco Celebrates Champions League Final Equalizer By Making Out With His Girlfriend
Yannick Carrasco brightened up a lackluster UEFA Champions League final by equalizing for Atlético Madrid, then brightened things even more by joining his girlfriend for some passionate celebration....
Dominant Nigerian Scrabble Players Find That Shorter Is Better
There’s no reason to believe that success in a sport should correlate with aesthetic appeal. You don’t always win by being the Warriors with Steph breezily trotting the other way before ball touches net; sometimes you get the grit-and-grind Grizzlies with Tony Allen smacking the hardwood and shoutin...
Will Wilcox Sinks Hole-In-One, Goes On Extended High-Five Spree
Will Wilcox nailed a hole-in-one on the par-3 17th hole at the Players Championship today. The former UAB golfer celebrated accordingly....
Liverpool Can Make Liverpool Great Again With Just One More Win
Over the past decade, Liverpool have slid from Europe’s elite into the second tier. But with a comfortable 3-0 victory over Villarreal in the second leg of their Europa League semifinals match-up, they’re just one victory away from next season’s Champions League. It’s only fitting, then, that they’r...