cia Page 194 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
This Weird Camera Tracks What Makes Your Pet Happy
I’m not going to tell you that your dog doesn’t care about social media because his sense of animalistic wonder about the world is more compelling and pure than your obsession with likes and retweets. Let’s be honest—dogs are needy attention hounds who are shameless in their quest for constant atten...
Stop Interrupting People
When you move to a big city, and your social life largely migrates to cramped apartment parties and music-blaring bars, you may find yourself becoming your own worst enemy: an interruptor. Unless you have rare-bird bodily charisma or a god-voice booming enough (or shrill enough) to cut through any d...
Your Last-Minute, Pants-Shitting Guide To Taxes
Oh holy living fuck, Tax Day is Monday! Have you filed yet? Do you owe penalties? SHIT YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING JAIL. You better run. I know a place in Mexico where you can lie low for a bit while the Feds go searching for you. It’ll buy you the time you need, and then you can jump a shipping freight...
Facebook Is All Sad Because No One Wants To Share With Them Anymore
You’re bored, so you stagger out onto a virtual stage under a searingly bright virtual spotlight, look out at your virtual audience, and see an alienating stew of every social group you’ve ever belonged to, with plenty of friends’ dads, former authority figures, ex-enemies, fleeting acquaintances, a...
How To Live Confidently With A Name No One Can Pronounce
I would like to announce that I am not a girl-blogger seeking anonymity, as many of our commenters suspect....
Finland's Brilliant Baby Boxes Are Finally Coming To Countries That Need Them, Like Ours
Having a new baby sounds, to put it lightly, terrifying. I imagine this is especially true at first, when particularly helpless infants are sent home with necessarily inexperienced parents. Baby-wise friends and family members can help, but it’s still pretty dangerous to put a total neophyte—like yo...
D'Angelo Russell Apologized To Nick Young, Who May Or May Not Have Accepted It
D’Angelo Russell and Nick Young spoke to the media before tonight’s game against the Heat, and addressed a number of issues surrounding the video Russell shot of Young talking about hooking up with a girl at a club, that later leaked to a celebrity gossip website....
Goal-Scorer Crushed
Drake Caggiula opened the scoring of tonight’s NCAA tournament game between Michigan and North Dakota, and his reward was getting drilled by an official. That’s two minutes for roughing....
How To React To A Bad Person's Death
People die every day; famous people die over the course of many days. Those left behind watch as the internet floods with earnest RIPs and dewy-eyed takes and angry ripostes toward anyone with the gall to joke or critique At a Time Like This. In some instances, some otherwise empathetic people cut s...
The Best Places To Urinate Outside, Ranked
Before we get deep into the bowels of the Funbag, one quick note: I’m out next week on Spring Break with my kids. This will not be like your Spring Break. Your Spring Break will be in Lake Havasu surrounded by fruity drinks and horny twentysomethings. I, on the other hand, will be stuck in Virginia ...
Happy 10th Birthday To Twitter; Here Is The Single Best Tweet Of All Time
Ten years! It’s true. And it’s equally true that Yung Washcloth has never been topped. Let this give you all something to aspire to in Twitter’s second decade. ...
Russell Wilson: She Said Yes (To Eventually Fucking)
Seahawks quarterback and outspoken non-fucker Russell Wilson is one step closer to fucking. He posted a video showing an ecstatic Ciara reacting to his proposal. Congratulations to the couple that will someday have sex....
When Is It Acceptable To Take The Elevator?
Let’s say that you live in a place where you’ve got to walk a mile or so, then take a train, and climb up and down a maze of stairs in the stations that house those trains, in order to get to work every day. Let’s say that you work on the third floor of an office building that has 18 occupied floors...
Radio Announcer Ejected From College Basketball Game For Vigorous Gesturing
On Monday the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay knocked off Valparaiso 99-92 in overtime to advance to the final of the Horizon League tournament. (They beat Wright State tonight, so they’ll be dancing.) Even more astonishing than Valparaiso’s full-court pass to send the game to overtime was the fac...
The Caucasian's Guide To Talking About Race
A few months ago, I was honored to be invited to the October Secret Global White People Meeting to speak to their constituents about wearing blackface on Halloween. Apparently, I made such an impact that they recently requested a return engagement to address a less holiday-oriented topic. The follow...
How To Party Without Drinking
About two years ago, I quit drinking. Initially, I didn’t attempt to “mask” my teetotalism at social gatherings: I’d meet a group at a bar, never order anything, and give long-winded answers to anyone who asked why. As my friends and coworkers can attest, it can be awkward as hell being stone-cold s...
Look At This Goalkeeper Just Punch The Ball Into His Own Net
Málaga goalkeeper Carlos Kameni is usually really good. Yesterday, when trying to deal with a pretty straightforward Valencia cross, he did something really bad:...
Stupid Little Piece Of Metal Bounces Valencia Youth Team From Tournament
Valencia and Chelsea met today in the UEFA Youth League, which is basically the Kiddie Champions League. The Round of 16 match came down to penalties, and Chelsea were declared winners after scoring all five of their spot kicks. Problem is, Valencia never actually missed any of their penalties, eith...
Don Mattingly's Marlins Take A Lesson From Mr. Burns And Ban Facial Hair
Let’s all go back to 1992, when The Simpsons’ “Homer At The Bat” first aired. Mr. Burns recruits a bunch of ballplayers as ringers for his softball team, including Don Mattingly. Here’s a very good, long piece on the episode, and how it got made....
Hell Yeah, Boban Marjanovic Got Himself In A Local TV Commercial
If Timofey Mozgov has taught us one thing, it’s that big, oafish centers are a perfect fit for low-budget local commercials. So we’re very pleased to see that Spurs center Boban “Not Some Sort Of Odd Thing” Marjanovic has gotten himself into the game....