family Page 7 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
How To Keep The Family Together On A Long Distance Move
People are meant to move. We’ve been doing it for tens of thousands of years. Chasing mammoths across the tundra, chasing shiny pebbles down frigid mountain streams, chasing native people out of their homelands. Somewhere in all that traveling we learned to grow plants in rows and gather cattle into...
What Will Trumpcare Mean For My Disabled Brother?
My older brother Sean has cerebral palsy. He also listens to bebop and enjoys teaching our nephew Oliver about the virtues of counting from one to ten in the voice of The Count and was angered when the Bruins fired Claude Julien. He makes a pot of coffee each morning when he wakes up, reads his news...
Aaron Rodgers's Dad Confirms They Are Not On Speaking Terms<em></em>
In a New York Times story published ahead of today’s Packers-Cowboys NFC Divisional playoff game, Aaron Rodgers’s father confirms he and his son are not on speaking terms, and appears to blame the rift on Rodgers’s fame....
How To Talk To Your Shithead Liberal Nephew Over The Holidays<em></em>
Congratulations! You won the election. Not you, specifically—unless you’re reading this, Mr. Trump, which, now that your name is in it, you probably are—but your people: Real American Men, where “real” means over 45 and white, “American” means suburban- or rural-residing, and “men” means what it use...
Anti-Hillary Ads From Cubs Ownership Funded Super PAC Air During NLCS
The Chicago Cubs are National League Champions for the first time since 1945, and during the decisive Game 6 that booked their ticket to the World Series, multiple anti–Hillary Clinton ads aired on the national FOX Sports 1 broadcast....
I Killed My Own Book Proposal By Blogging About A Sad Flopsweaty Douchebag Clown
Sometimes people ask me why no Foodspin book exists. I have never told them why. The answer is very embarrassing!...
<i>Suicide Squad</i> Is The Summer's Best Movie About Divorce
I consider my life to consist of two parts: one before I saw Suicide Squad, the other after. ...
What You're Doing When You Call My Brother "Retarded"
I have never been a violent person, at least not instinctively. Whenever I was teased as a child—I struggled to read for much of elementary school and wore a lot of white jeans, so I was teased a lot—I’d opt for silence or a quick joke, usually at my own expense. I’d level my aggressor with my appar...
Finland's Brilliant Baby Boxes Are Finally Coming To Countries That Need Them, Like Ours
Having a new baby sounds, to put it lightly, terrifying. I imagine this is especially true at first, when particularly helpless infants are sent home with necessarily inexperienced parents. Baby-wise friends and family members can help, but it’s still pretty dangerous to put a total neophyte—like yo...
I'm Getting Married, And I Don't Know What My Name Will Be
Shortly after I got engaged a coworker told me a story about a friend of his. Or maybe it was a friend of a friend, or a cousin, or an allegory. Point is, there was this lady and she was marrying a man with the same last name as hers. While it’s somewhat common and even encouraged in other cultures,...
How Many Plumlee Siblings Can You Name?
The thing about the Plumlees is that there are so many of them, and the other thing about them is that all their names start with the letter “M.” A Plumlee who will remain unnamed right now is taking on Yale today, so, to get you ready, we prepared a quiz. How many of these M names are true Plumlee ...
Fancy Toothpicks Are My Cleanest Vice
The summer I was nine, I learned how to brush my teeth with a twig. My grandpa handed me a small piece broken off what’s called a neem tree, and told me to chew on it. I was hit by a very vegetal bitterness, the kind that puckers your mouth by sheer force of personality, crowding out all the other f...
The Only Valentine's Day Message I Need
This Sunday morning, as I do on every Valentine’s Day, I will wake up to a message from my mother. Last year, it was a long email sent at an ungodly early hour, carrying all of her usual, heartfelt, holiday-appropriate sentiments: “Today is not only about boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives but...
The Worst Man On Facebook Ruined <i>Star Wars</i>
Penn Holderness, professional, uh, person who makes his family help him ruin pop music tracks on YouTube, is bad. His videos are bad. His hair is bad. “All About That Baste” is the absolute worst thing I have ever seen in my life. Everything about him is bad. Bad bad bad. Also, he (allegedly) big-ti...
How To Tell Your Folks You're Not Coming Home For The Holidays
No matter how old you get, there’s some news that’s hard to break to your parents. Nobody ever wants to trigger another “we’re not mad, we’re just disappointed” situation. The holidays especially hold a lot of emotional weight, so making plans can get complicated, especially when you’ve got ... othe...
VOTE MARV BUSH 2016
It has been a lousy month for Jeb Bush, gang. He’s running out of cash. His polls numbers are in the shitter. He spends a lot of time now tending to his email. And he appears to be publicly melting into a puddle of tepid lip-sweat before our very eyes, if this tweet is to be believed....
The Gambling Cop Who Outshined Basketball Royalty
Editors’ note: On initial publication, this post consisted of a reprint of Pete Axthelm’s 1967 Sports Illustrated story “When The Real McGuire Stood Up.” After publication, we were made aware that a permission given by Axthelm’s family to reprint his work did not extend to this article, as we had mi...
Jim Tomsula's Life Has Been Extraordinarily Depressing
You know Jim Tomsula. You just do. He’s the guy with life lessons to impart to you from his time as a Fuller Brush salesman, opinions on what makes a particular highway overpass a good sleeping one, recommendations on how to cook with Sterno, and reasons why you should shop at the dented-can store, ...
Gronks Appear On Family Feud, Immediately Lose
Patriots tight end and erotica protagonist Rob Gronkowski appeared last night on ABC’s Family Feud with three of his brothers and his dad, facing off against Holly Robinson Peete’s family. It did not go well for the Gronks....
It's Good To Embarrass Your Kids
What good is having kids if you can’t embarrass them? This great mom, who did the same dance at 32 places across Disneyland, totally gets it. Her kids are over it, and she’s loving it, and so am I....