Goodbye, cruel internet. Again.

Hi everyone! Did you guys say you wanted us to write another thing about Derek Jeter? Okay! Your funeral!!!

Sure, we don't know our football all that well. But that's actually part of the reason we feel pretty justified calling bullshit on Tom Curran's list of "Five Players Ready to Become NFL Superstars."

(via JayBusbee)

One of our favorite gambits here at FJM is the old "use the exception that proves the rule to yell at someone for not thinking the exception is the rule" gambit.

Steroids steroids steroids, you crazy son of a bitch. What have you gone and done now? You've made Gene Wojciechowski write this little bit of insanity.

This is a weekly feature in which I (and maybe you, too, readers) detail the various reasons for hating your ballpark. This week: La Scala Opera House.

What would an FJM reunion be without the mocking of an ancient, stat-hating, online weblog writer who insists that his online weblog is not a blog?

(GolfTippin via Shane Bacon)

He's good at what he does (for Jeter, it's baseball; for Jesus, it's healing the sick or whatever). People love him. He says and does the right things at all the right times.

"In the Boston cookbook, most of its tasty concoctions based on defensive ingredients, Kessel is viewed as that little sprig of parsley that makes the plate look better but really doesn't factor into whether the meal is a true success."

Earlier this summer, as you already know, pop culture icons Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died on the same day in a tragic and unexpected murder suicide.

Let's get one thing straight: I'm not going to break any new ground here. I'm not going to teach you anything new about baseball. I'm not going to cause you to reassess how you think about sports journalism.

Awwww shit, y'all – get out your slide rules and hide your daughters, because the bad boys of the internet are back! FJM in the motherhumping hizzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy!

Because we are. Yes, dear angry readers, tomorrow is the day you've all been waiting for: Fire Joe Morgan, in all of its food metaphorical glory, reunites and takes over Deadspin for the day.

This week's Deadcast guest is the guy who RUINED Deadspin, your editor AJ Daulerio. (Listen here, iTunes here.) And he brings news with him. That news? YOU'RE ALL BANNED AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHY.