hell Page 24 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
A <i>Fortnite </i>Epidemic Would Only Help The Knicks' Cause At This Point<em></em>
The Knicks, currently a half-game “behind” the Suns for the worst record in the NBA, also sport one of the league’s youngest squads. Eight players on the 15-man roster have yet to turn 24. Rotation staples like Kevin Knox, Mitchell Robinson, and Mario Hezonja are 19, 20, and 23 respectively. It com...
The NBA Rising Stars Challenge Featured A Strong Collection Of Apathetic Highlight Attempts
The 2019 NBA Rising Stars Challenge on Friday saw Team USA defeat Team World 161-144 in a game was about as half-assed defensively as one would expect with that scoreline. But despite this crop of young NBA talent getting some of the best looks they’ve gotten all season, it didn’t prevent some of th...
The Knicks Do The Unthinkable And Win A Basketball Game
For just the second time since the calendar flipped over to 2019, the Knicks have won a regular season NBA basketball game, topping the lowly Hawks—and in Atlanta, no less—by the score of 106–91. It’s been 41 days since the team last tasted victory, a span covering a franchise-record 18 consecutive ...
The Hawks And Knicks Recreate The Basketball Equivalent Of Throwing Up In Your Mouth
The Hawks and Knicks are both currently engaged in a mad dash to the bottom of the barrel as the worst team in the league and, boy, are they doing a terrible job of not making it obvious....
Do Not Watch The Knicks For Any Reason Besides A Flying Mitchell Robinson
In the middle of an 18-game losing streak, with the tank reaching levels deleterious to the mental health of players and viewers alike, there aren’t a whole lot of reasons to subject yourself to the Knicks. The only one I can offer you with a straight face is Mitchell Robinson, an ent with hops. Ro...
Tennis Player Tells Himself To "Focus," Is Dinged For Audible Obscenity
Two years ago, tennis player Bryden Klein earned an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for calling tennis player Bryden Klein a “stupid person.” Even though the remark was self-directed, he was tagged with a game penalty and immediately lost the match. A worthy sequel arrived today at the ATP Challenge...
Isn't The Super Bowl Supposed To Be Fun?
The Patriots are, in all likelihood, going to win again, and it’s going to be awful. The question now is: What is the worst possible way they could win? A 52-6 blowout? A three-TD lead for L.A. followed by yet another miraculous comeback by everyone’s least-favorite fancy dog? Aaron Donald breaking ...
13-Year-Old Alysa Liu Becomes Youngest U.S. Senior Ladies Figure Skating National Champion
Alysa Liu became the youngest senior ladies figure skating national champion in U.S. history by defeating defending champion Bradie Tennell at the championships in Detroit on Friday....
Let's Just Keep Doing This Shit Forever!
There’s no sense in waiting for it at this point. The New England Patriots, who have been shitting up the mid-winter for sports fans throughout this entire terrible millennium, are not remotely close to going away, not any more than, say, measles or famine are close to going away. They’re a problem,...
Fuck This Fucking Shit
The Patriots beat the Chiefs 37-31 in an overtime instant classic at Kansas City, clinching the AFC title and a Super Bowl berth against the Rams. Tom Brady engineered long drives down the field at the end of regulation and in overtime—both of which ended with rushing touchdowns by Rex Burkhead....
The Time A Guy Punctuated The Worst Shooting Performance Of All Time By Declaring War On Bill Laimbeer
Russell Westbrook scored 26 points in Oklahoma City’s loss to the Lakers on Thursday night, including the three clutch free throws that sent the game to overtime. Start there and work backwards across the box score, and you will go from feeling pretty good about Russ’s contributions—hey, 26 points, ...
This Dude Really Served Clemson Boxed-Up Fast Food On A Bunch Of Fancy Trays
Earlier today, President Donald Trump boasted about getting a bunch of fast food for the college football national champions, who were visiting the White House tonight, and he really did it! Take a gander at those carefully arranged sauce packets in a dish on top of a tray, for no reason....
Ben Simmons Keeps Dunking On Jazz Fans Over His Rookie Of The Year Win
Ben Simmons might not be able to shoot basketballs into hoops with any sort of consistency, but the Sixers point guard can still make life a living hell for his opponents. Just ask the hostile Utah crowd that attended Thursday night’s Sixers-Jazz game, which spent the majority of the game booing Sim...
I Can't Stop Thinking About Jim Nantz Calling Tom Brady "Mr. Cool"
Jim Nantz is too fundamentally bland as a human for a conflict of interest to be concerning, but what fresh hell was this? During Sunday’s Patriots-Steelers game, the CBS broadcaster betrayed his WASPy exterior with an ejaculated moment of unrestrained happiness for his good chum Tom Brady. “Mr. Coo...
High School Football Coach And Catholic Priest Derail Funeral Of Teen Who Killed Himself
University of Toledo freshman Maison Hullibarger killed himself on Dec. 4. He was 18. Hullibarger’s Dec. 8 funeral in Michigan was spoiled by not only the Catholic priest overseeing the service, but his former high school football coach who wasn’t invited. Quite a team effort....
The Browns Are Respectable, And That's Already A Major Achievement
The Cleveland Browns have not had a winning season since 2007. The closest they’ve been to .500 was a 7-9 campaign in 2014, and that becomes even sadder with the reminder that those Browns, under then-head coach Mike Pettine, had squandered a 7-4 start to get there. (He was fired after his second se...
This Is All Donald Trump Has Left
President Donald Trump often stands near a helicopter on the White House’s South Lawn while reporters shout questions at him. Certain elements of this ritual are the same every time. The wheedling honk of Trump’s voice and the uneasy tilt of his standing-on-a-hoverboard-for-the-first-time posture ar...
What Will It Take To Get Jim Jordan Out Of Congress?
LIMA, Ohio — Within five minutes of meeting Janet Garrett’s campaign team for the first time, I’m asked to help with their speaker set-up. The laptop audio playing the Spotify playlist is coming out of the projector, and they don’t know how to hook it up to the main speaker, where it would be louder...
Mitchell Robinson Is A Quiet Gem
It’s the third week of the least accursed Knicks season in quite some time. Kristaps Porzingis is getting accustomed to his new ACL and hamming it up the sideline with no timetable in sight; the tank seems to at least be deliberate this time around; there is belief in coach David Fizdale; and there ...
Donovan Mitchell Woke Up And Lit Up The Rockets
Donovan Mitchell had still been kneading the sleep out of his eyes during the first week of his sophomore season. Coming into last night’s game against the Rockets, he’d been unable to get any offense going—not from any region of the court, not off-the-dribble, not catch-and-shoot, not getting to th...