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Dear Humans: Do Not Eat Pizza With Utensils
Hey, homo sapiens! Let us embark upon an expedition of the mind. A mindspedition! ...
How To Make A Cheesesteak, And Probably Get Crap From Pennsylvanians
Hey, let's make a goddamn cheesesteak. If we do it quickly, we can get finished before the city of Philadelphia declares war....
Let's Make A Really Good Bloody Mary, For Once
When I was a dirty young man working at a low-end marketing outfit, I scoffed at the tagline for the office-approved Dockers-rock station that played all day in any cube pod where the clip artisans outnumbered the conference callers. In between Lilith Fair dirges, furniture store ads, and the softer...
How To Make Steamed Pork Dumplings, Like My Great-Grandfather Did
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspin columnist today is KSK and SB Nation contributor Eric Sollenberger....
How To Eat The Raw Oyster, Goodness In Its Pure Form
No one has moderate feelings toward the raw oyster (except perhaps for the terminally indifferent, may they ride the Meh Bus straight to hell): Either you ohmigod love love loooooove them, or you think they are gross little brine-loogies and have bad taste in things....
How To Make A Ragù, Which Has Nothing To Do With Jars
By now you're likely well aware that the word ragù—although perhaps most frequently encountered with its accent symbol flipped over, emblazoned across ten thousand jars of tomato products in your local supermarket—has its own non-commercial definition, other than "bad-tasting Italian-themed ketchup....
How To Make A Fish Sandwich. (You're Not Too Good For A Fish Sandwich.)
Oh, what, so you think you're too "good" for a fish sandwich? Oh, so fish sandwiches are for "weird leathery shore-people" with "wiry fisherman physiques" and "hairdos from the mid-1970s" and "scars from old knife fights"? Oh, so you "didn't actually say any of that" and I am "having this argument w...
This Is How That Jonathan Martin "Pussy" Sign Made It On ESPN
If you want to get a sign on ESPN's College GameDay you have to make it through ESPN security. They screen the signs for religious and political messages and, more generally, anything that could be deemed offensive. One sign that fit the criteria for offensive—the "Pussy" sign with Jonathan Martin'...
How To Make Home Fries, The Breakfast Of Sluggards
The basic idea is that breakfast is supposed to supply your wretched, dead-eyed carcass with enough chemical energy to work itself up into a state vaguely similar to the authentic vitality of the functional, well-adjusted people edging away from you in half-concealed disgust on the bus. This is why...
Screw Your Pumpkin Flavors: How To Make Apple Crumble
Fun fact! Careful examination of the historical record reveals that, whatever the goddamn Starbucks menu may suggest to the contrary, the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs between Sept. 15 and Dec. 20 is not a capital crime. Whether the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs i...
How To Make Mashed Cauliflower, Because It Goddamn Tastes Great
The first thing to do is clear up any misconceptions that the reason to make mashed cauliflower, and not mashed potatoes, is that mashed cauliflower is the more calorically or nutritionally upstanding choice. If that is what you are thinking, stop thinking that, because that is stupid. You're stup...
What Do I Cook For All These Gluten-Free Types?
Welcome to the Feedbag, where all the dumb questions about food, drink, cooking, eating, and accidental finger removal you've been embarrassed to ask can finally receive the berating they goddamn deserve. Also: answers. Send all your even-vaguely-food-related questions to [email protected] wit...
How To Make A Lasagna And Prepare For Hibernation
Time was, as summer rounded into autumn, you kept an eye out for that first cool, dry weekend after the leaves started to turn, when the air remained genuinely chilly in the shade all day long, and then you tilted back your floppy coppola hat, hooked your thumbs into your suspenders, gazed thoughtfu...
The Sneaky Public Drinker's Guide To Impromptu Tailgating
Massachusetts has a lot going for it. First and foremost, it's a really fun word to say. We also have a lot of apples here, plus more peaches than you'd think. And I can't say for certain, but I assume we still have unparalleled access to the Funky Bunch....
What The Hell Do I Cook For My Tailgate?
Welcome to the Feedbag, where all the dumb questions about food, drink, cooking, eating, and accidental finger removal you've been embarrassed to ask can finally receive the berating they goddamn deserve. Also: answers. Send all your even-vaguely-food-related questions to [email protected] wit...
How To Make Corn Relish: A Guide For The Cheap And Tidy
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspin columnist today is clean person Jolie Kerr....
How To Make A Reuben Sandwich And Embrace Entropy
It's good to live a tidy, orderly life. Clean shirt, clean face, sensibly organized underwear drawer (I subcategorize alphabetically by superhero!), and so on. People like tidiness; they trust it. It makes things easier. Food, too, can be tidy: the neat, clean geometry of sushi; the artful towers of...
What The Hell Do I Do With These Frightening Ghost Peppers?
Welcome to the Feedbag, where all the dumb questions about food, drink, cooking, eating, and accidental finger removal you've been embarrassed to ask can finally receive the berating they goddamn deserve. Also: answers. Send all your even-vaguely-food-related questions to [email protected] wit...
How Do I Eat Less Meat?
Welcome to the Feedbag, where all the dumb questions about food, drink, cooking, eating, and accidental finger removal you've been embarrassed to ask can finally receive the berating they goddamn deserve. Also: answers. Send all your even-vaguely-food-related questions to [email protected] wit...
How To Craft A Caesar Salad And Not Settle For Less In Life
You order a Caesar salad at your humble local steakhouse, or crummy chain Italian joint, or nightmarish, kitsch-bedecked, "Signature Bourbonzola Glaze®"-slinging pan-American shithole—They hire cute bartenders! you're now insisting, not a little bit defensively, as if that is not even sadder than go...