lessons Page 4 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Karl-Anthony Towns Dunks On Child Who Must Now Embark On Lifelong Vengeance Plot
Most NBA players are content to lightly humiliate young basketball camp attendees with an emphatic block or two, but Karl-Anthony Towns just set a new standard for player-on-camper aggression:...
How To Get A Piano (Like For Your Spouse, Say)
So you’ve decided to get a piano! For yourself, or for, say, the piano-loving Target worker who gave up her lifelong piano access when she moved to Mississippi to live with you as your wife. I think this is a fine choice! Pianos are lovely. Let’s talk about some good and bad practices for acquiring ...
Donald Trump Doesn't Know Shit About The Bay Area
Vulgar olive loaf Donald Trump is hitting the campaign trail in California in advance of the state’s June 7 primary. A good way to appeal to your constituents is to show that you’re “one of them” by feigning nominal interest in their sports teams. If you do this, though, you should have a working se...
Who Sends Dick Pics? (Lunatics, Apparently)
As an Old Person (and possibly a prude, although I hope not), I’m baffled by the dick pic. As a behavior, first of all—What is it intended to accomplish? Is it meant as an act of sexual hostility? A sincere come-on? Do straight men genuinely believe women are turned on by crappy smartphone snapshots...
Thinkfluence Man Pretends To Think Empathy Is Bad
“Against Empathy” makes a hell of a title for a video. It’s bold and spicy! Empathy is bad is quite a strong take, after all, given that empathy—broadly speaking, the capacity to relate to and share the feelings and perspectives of others—is a core, defining trait of humanity, which will tend to be ...
Raw Milk Is For Idiots
Some very stupid lawmakers in West Virginia are sick, presumably with the shits. They lifted the state’s ban on raw, unpasteurized milk a few weeks ago, then drank some raw, unpasteurized milk to celebrate, and, well, they are feeling bad lately. This seems an opportune moment to point out that actu...
Do's And Don'ts Of Blizzard Survival, From A Snowed-In Dumbass
The thing to know is, we are still snowed in. The first flakes came down around lunchtime on Friday; the last, late on Saturday night. It’s Tuesday now, and we’re still snowed in. My kids can’t even remember what it’s like to interact with other humans....
A Brief But Amusing Math Lesson From Kyle Lowry And DeMar DeRozan
The Toronto Raptors played in London last week. During a post-practice media scrum, shooting guard DeMar DeRozan was asked asked about his strong offensive performances in the previous two games he’d played in London. That’s when a hum-drum interview suddenly became very entertaining....
How Wile E. Coyote Explains The World
A joke has structure. It has a central rule. Setup, punchline. The setup produces a tensed, expectant state; the punchline resolves the tension with a surprise. If the elements of the joke are not arranged into a setup and a punchline, it is not a joke. It is just a statement....
The Xbox One Is Garbage And The Future Is Bullshit
Here is an embarrassing story about a bad purchase....
How To Hold Elected Office: A Civics Lesson For Meat Suits
Congratulations on your election to public office! Surely this inauspicious-seeming moment marks the beginning of a dramatic rise through the political ranks, a high-minded and principled siege upon the levers of power, a triumph for the little guy, and so on. Before you set off on your journey, tho...
Cats: They're Bad
You walk into a cat house and you know it right away: A crazy person lives here. No amount of vacuuming, air-freshening, laundering, or outright bleaching will banish the insidious juniper reek of feline; a cat house smells like a cat house, and for this we can be grateful, because it lets us know n...
Angry Softball Man Leaves Insane Voicemail After Being Moved To Outfield
This voicemail recording comes to us from a reader who got himself involved in some drama at a recreational softball game. According to our tipster, he received this voicemail from a teammate after asking said teammate to move from third base to outfield after committing a bunch of errors....
And Now, Your Worst Spelling Bee Horror Stories
In case you missed it last night, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in spectacular fashion with 14-year-old Gokul Venkatachalam ensuring a tie with 13-year-old Vanya Shivashankar by throwing down “nunatak,” without asking for a definition. The boy had BALLS OF STEEL....
No, But Seriously, Dove Soap Is Bad
So yesterday, BuzzFeed's editors, in a super duper blatant breach of the tenets of their Editorial Standards And Ethics Guide, deleted a post in which staff writer Arabelle Sicardi criticized toiletries brand Dove for its sleazy, exploitative advertising. Dove, you see, is owned by Unilever—the m...
How To Attend A Sporting Event Like A Functional Adult
First, a story of bad fan behavior....
They're Gonna Crucify Me: A Heathen's Guide To Easter
Life gets more complicated and demanding as you become an adult. Children are not expected to know much of anything—or to understand the meaning and significance of stuff, or to buy their own beer—so long as they interact with the world sweetly and cutely, and from time to time throw in an unprom...
Failure To Pay Office Pool Winnings Leads To Sad, Overwrought Email
This overwrought email, sent by the winner of a March Madness office pool to the irresponsible pool administrator who was dragging his or her feet with payouts, comes to us from a tipster who tells us that he dusts it off every March for a good chuckle. We don't blame him....
Whiny Harvard Student Gets Skewered In Devastating Email
In the old days, disputes between Harvard students were settled one of three ways: pistols at dawn, a scullerman's joust, or trial by mayonnaise. Things have changed, though, and now the distinguished men of Harvard engage in combat like most millennials do: by sending unbearably long emails to ea...
How To Tell If You're Being A Crank On The Internet, And How To Stop
Man, you sure are het up! Agitated. Can you believe these goddamn coddled athletes/P.C. Police/Now Finaglin' Cheatriots/Twitter-celebrated pop stars of possibly dubious talent/people talking about the colors on a dress when we haven't even solved all The Problems yet? I mean, cheese and rice! ...