ow Page 1141 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Buy The Nationals!
Wanted: Wealthy individual (white preferred. sorry!) willing to plunk down $400 million for franchise with limited television rights, decaying stadium and loyal (if a little too black) fan base. Must be open to making no decisions and following orders from former car salesmen and lawyers. Oh, and yo...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while seceretly meeting with Bob Woodward in a parking garage ......
To Watch Tonight ...
What to watch while loitering in the TV department at Circuit City ... Game 4: Miami Heat at Detroit Pistons: Larry Brown angrily denies report that his team is playing tonight. England, Beckham take on Colombia ... in New Jersey. Whose idea was this? Chicago Cubs at LA Dodgers. To save time we'll t...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while hopelessly entangled in the volleyball net ... Suns unnecessarily extend tedium. Frank Thomas returns from DL, sparking White Sox to ... no wait, he's hurt again. Men attack each other with large sticks for two hours. No one is arrested.—Rick Chandler...
To Watch Tonight ...
What To Watch While Searching For Your Pants ... Red Sox at Yankees: I'll have two beers, please ... one for drinkin', and one for throwin'. Gentlemen, start your Fandango. Unnecessary remake of Burt Reynolds classic The Longest Yard opens at a theater near you. Senior PGA Championship. Come watch t...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while your house was being trashed by that annoying Cat in the Hat... Alex Rodriguez hits 17th homer. Rest of American League enters therapy. Justin Leonard climbs to top of St. Jude leaderboard, threatens to jump. Ryan Newman's record lap wins Coca-Cola 600 pole. Did that sentence m...
To Watch Tonight ...
Elvis once shot his TV for less than this ... Tigers at Yankees. It's Alex Rodriguez Therapy Night; the first 5,000 therapists who have treated A-Rod get a free foam No. 1 finger. FedEx St. Jude PGA Classic, Round 1. Come play in a tournament named for the patron saint of impossible causes. French O...
Colin Powell Set To Be Marginalized Again
This is what President George Bush did to Colin Powell: He saw that he was an extremely popular public figure; gave him an initial high-ranking, visible position (Secretary of State); did all the real maneuvering behind his back (with Dick Cheney); waited until he needed his public persona the mos...
About Last Night ...
Things you missed after being cast adrift by the mutineers ... Heat evens series with Pistons 1-all: All you've been able to talk about at work today is Dwayne Wade, which is odd, since you were fired from that job in March. Liverpool wins Euro Club Championship. AC Milan loses when Scott Norwood pe...
To Watch Tonight ...
She left me! How can I go on? How can I ... oh, I remember: TV sports. Game 2: Detroit Pistons at Miami Heat. In the time it takes Shaq to run the length of the court, six million pounds of cocaine have been smuggled into the U.S by boat. Houston Astros at Chicago Cubs. Damn you, Red Sox! We were su...
About Last Night ...
What you missed due to the restraining order ... Spurs go up 2-0 on Suns: Our immunity to NBA Fever still has physicians baffled. Yankees clobber Tigers: A-Rod gets two homers. Or was that I-Rod? Jor-El? Ack, green kryptonite! Bucks win NBA Lottery: A 6.3 percent longshot comes through, giving hope ...
To Watch Tonight ...
Please welcome, making another appearance on our sofa — my ass. (Applause) Game 2: Spurs at Suns. Come see the franchise based solely on air conditioning. Dodgers at Giants: This used to be fun, back when Bonds and Beltre were juiced. NBA Draft Lottery: In which you are humiliated by a ping pong bal...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while dangling from a tree in your parachute ... Pistons go up 1-0 on Heat. As it turns out, Shaq still has some parts on back order.Anastasia Myskina ousted in French Open. The good news: You've never liked women's tennis. Danica Patrick on Letterman: Female Indy qualifier has cab c...
To Watch Tonight ...
What To Watch Tonight Instead Of Chuckling At Soldiers Glaring At Nick Lachey: Game 1: Pistons at Heat: Little men make Shaq mad! Shaq crush little men! White Sox at Angels: The game will be played somewhere in the Los Angeles area. We're not allowed to say exactly where. Pirates at Cardinals: If Bo...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while secretly watching Desperate Housewives ......
To Watch Tonight ...
Fever has reached 109 degrees. So weak. Must ... reach ... remote ... Game 6: Spurs at SuperSonics: With one more win, San Antonio's Manu Ginobili can totally buy whatever country it is he comes from. Diamondbacks at Astros: Just for laughs Clemens should come out wearing a Yankees cap. Game 6: Pist...
Steinbrenner Still Alive And, Apparently, Vaguely Alert
Like everyone, we were beginning to wonder if George Steinbrenner was stashed away in an old-folks home somewhere, terrorizing the arts and craft room and insisting that old ladies shave their facial hair. But alas: He's still around, giving an interview with the YES Network that will air Sunday...
About Last Night ...
What you missed while waiting in line for Star Wars tickets ... Suns go up 3-2 on Mavericks: Revenge of the Ewok as Nash goes for 34 against old team. Another setback for Bonds: He's attached to an IV in emergency attempt to distill some humility. M's end Yankees' win streak at 10: You may now resu...
To Watch Tonight ...
What to do tonight instead of feigning interest in your family. Game 5: Dallas Mavericks at Phoenix Suns: This game won't end until after 1 a.m. on the East Coast. ER doctors and 7-Eleven clerks will be talking about this one for days. Texas Rangers at Chicago White Sox: Until now we knew the White...
California Legislature Publicly Confesses Boredom
Angels owner Arte Moreno is the type of guy we like. In case you forgot, this guy got around the Angels' agreement with the city of Anaheim that he would keep their city in the team's name by calling them the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim," knowing full well that the name would just be shortened...