owl Page 279 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
It's Furries Vs. Klingons For All The (Lost) Marbles
Man, oh man, how we wish we were in Atlanta this weekend. It's the Furries vs. Klingons bowl-off. If there's anybody out that way who wants to pop by and let us know how this goes, consider yourself officially encouraged. We only wish Bob Uecker were around for it; Furry conventions are never the s...
FIU Must Protect This House!
You might remember, during Miami announcer Lamar Thomas' insane rant during the Miami-Florida International fight last year, when he said something to the effect of, "you don't come into our house pulling that," or some similar nonsense. Well guess what, Lamar? Ned and his band of FIU faithful are a...
There Are Safeties Weaker Than Ryan Seacrest
You know, we didn't mean to come across as openly derisive toward Ryan Seacrest yesterday when we pointed out that he will be a co-host of the Super Bowl this year. In fact, we clearly underestimated the guy....
The Super Bowl Gets More SUPER
You might think that Richard Simmons hanging out with Howie Long and company is just an anomaly, a tiny bit of happenstance. But then again, you don't know who's hosting the pregame and halftime festivities for Fox at Super Bowl XLII....
The Report From The Arena Bowl
The man in this picture is Jay Gruden, the younger brother of Jon Gruden and the head coach of the AFL's Orlando Predators. He was one of the many luminaries at the Arena Bowl over the weekend, and the guys from It's Still Football were there. They filed a full report for us, which is after the jum...
Spike Is Here, Kids, And He's READY TO BALL
We've talked to you before about Spike, The Super Ball, the official mascot of Super Bowl XLII at the Pink Taco in Glendale next February. Well, now, Spike is making public appearances. We are all of sudden SO EXCITED about Super Bowl XLII, thanks to Spike's signature brand of crowd-pleasing banter...
One More Pittsburgh Pirates Fan Will Stake A Walkout
Earlier this year, Kevin McClatchy released the chair of Pittsburgh Pirates majority owner from his grasp. Since he was on a roll, yesterday he announced he will let go of another cherished title at the end of the year: CEO. Hey, if you love something, let it go. If it finally earns a winning season...
The Orem Owlz Medium Is The Message
For years, we have watched the totalitarian media/mind control tactics of the rookie-level Pioneer League team the Orem Owlz with a wary eye. They have sat there, in their megalomaniacal castle in Utah, acting as if they are the rulers of all the survey, wielding their power indiscriminately and wit...
If Nenad Krstic Wasn't Such A Sex Object, This Wouldn't Be Happening
The man just puts people in the mood for porno. And soon, Nets fans won't have to go far to satisfy their jones....
Surely, President Bush's Favorite Day Of The Year
Occasionally, when President Bush meets a sports team that has won a title, it means something. When the Red Sox visited after winning the World Series in 2004, not only was it a historic victory, but it also allowed Curt Schilling — who had campaigned heavily for Bush after the Red Sox won — to rec...
Kevin Durant Is Low On The Upper Body Strength
Among those who care more about silly workout statistics and the notion of watching young men in their underwear run, jump and lift things than simply watching how preternaturally blessed athletes dominate their sports, there was considerable concern this week about Kevin Durant's relatively weak sh...
The Return Of Tecmo Bowl
We don't know how we missed this piece of news yesterday, but The Fanhouse has the scoop: They're bringing back Tecmo Bowl!...
His Next Job Will Be To Take Over For Stu Jackson
This spry gentleman's name is Bill Hargrove — he's the round immobile object between the orange ball and the red ball — and he just bowled his age. You might not find this all that impressive, though we find it difficult to bowl our age, ourselves. (We are not a skilled bowler.) But readers, smile, ...
Temple's Inspired Obfuscation Falls Just Short
Considering the breathtaking amount of success Temple University sports have had over the last few years, it's no surprise that they were put on probation by the NCAA yesterday. We're so glad Temple's dominance was finally explained....
Bruce Willis Likes Him Some Jersey Beer
We are sad to report to Action Movie Star Bruce Willis that just because the television station interviewing you is Canadian doesn't mean you can't start throwing out your handy R-rated movie catchphrases, no matter how blasted you are....
A Slight Departure From Billy Packer
With the NCAA tournament gone, and CBS putting Billy Packer back in his cryogenic chamber for 11 months, I thought we were entitled to some commentators with more of a sense of joy....
He Has Risen, And Is Demanding Oats
You know, we mocked the Barbaro message boarders when they claimed that Big Boss Horse was appearing to them from the afterlife. Yeah, we had a good laugh over that. But then a reader got to looking closely at our Jesus bowling post from last week, and made a startling discovery. Just look at the im...
Spare Me, Oh Lord
To be absolutely truthful, this video really confuses us. Why is everyone laughing? Why would anyone think that Jesus would throw anything but a strike? Religion generally confuses us, but one thing we're pretty sure of: The Son of God has his own equipment ... Jesus does not rent bowling shoes. We'...
Hoot, There It Is
Look, you may say this has nothing to do with sports, but we don't care. Sometimes a story transcends compartmentalization ... You do not come into the owl's house talkin' trash!...
The First Rule Of The Super Bowl Is, You Do Not Talk About The Super Bowl... Or The Big Game
The NFL, of course, has the term "Super Bowl" trademarked, so you can't use those particular words to promote any kind of a party or gathering for the event. Not only is it illegal, but if you close your eyes and say "Super Bowl" three times, Ed Hochuli will appear in front of you and rip your godda...