owns Page 39 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Damon Sheehy-Guiseppi, Who Lied His Way Into A Browns Tryout, Scored A Return Touchdown In His NFL Debut
Late in Cleveland’s preseason win over Washington last night, rookie return specialist Damon Sheehy-Guiseppi fielded a punt and zipped mostly untouched, 86 yards, all the way to the opposite end zone. Despite the inherent meaninglessness of the game and the already gaudy scoreline, Sheehy-Guiseppi’s...
Mark Davis, Incredibly, Calls Another Professional Sports Franchise "Fucking Totally Dysfunctional"
The acrimonious and not-all-that-beneficial cohabitation of Mark Davis’s Raiders and the Oakland Athletics should come to a definitive end following this upcoming football season. Construction of the Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas is tentatively on schedule to wrap up next July; barring any huge ...
Freddie Kitchens Says He'll Fire Anyone Who Speaks Anonymously To The Press
Head coach Freddie Kitchens wishes to make it known that under no circumstances will any sensitive or inside information be leaked from the Cleveland Browns organization under his watch, period. Or, at the very least, there will be hell to pay for anyone who passes such information along to the pres...
At Least Three Paying Customers Have Been Kicked Out Of James Dolan's Recent Concerts
Knicks owner and dedicated crooner James Dolan seemingly has an allergy toward playing his music in front of anyone who might be inclined to bring actual attention to it. Over the past month, at least three paying customers have been booted from three separate venues during Dolan’s shows. Two of tho...
Moroccan Soccer Player Tries To Quit In The Middle Of A Preseason Ass-Kicking
Turkish side Fenerbahce took on German giants Bayern Munich in a preseason friendly yesterday. Things did not go well for the Fenerbahce players, who were dominated throughout the game and lost 6-1. That performance earned them plenty of boos from the home fans, which were enough to drive team capta...
Tennis Player Cramps, Pukes, Perseveres, Cramps Again, Withdraws Due To All Of The Above
Alex Lebedev, a successful college tennis player at Notre Dame, is now working his way into the pro ranks by competing in ITF and ATP Challenger events. This week the 22-year-old was attempting to qualify for the Challenger in Lexington, Kentucky, which broiled at a high of 89 degrees on Monday. It ...
Pau Gasol's Arrival To Trail Blazers Made Much Creepier With Heavy Breather On Conference Call
It’s strangely a bit reassuring to know that, no matter where you work, there will always be somebody who doesn’t understand or refuses to honor the basics of conference call etiquette. Whether it’s a distracting echo or the clack clack of keys typing or the slightly more adorable sound of a cat meo...
Impish Messi Fan Delights In Beer-Soaked Chaos His Trolling Inspires
Soccer fans in the U.S. aren’t usually the most rambunctious sort. As one Lionel Messi stan found out during last Friday’s Real Madrid-Atlético Madrid friendly match in New Jersey, though, even American fans will resort to chucking beer and debris at you if properly provoked:...
Mike Francesa And Trevor Bauer Get Into An Argument With No Winners And Two Losers
Cleveland Indians pitcher and online edgelord Trevor Bauer is one of the big names to watch ahead of next week’s MLB trade deadline. The team’s on a nice little surge at the moment and is only two games behind the AL Central-leading Twins, but if it shifts into asset collection mode, Bauer is probab...
Taylor Lewan Issues Weird, Tearful Apology After Testing Positive For PEDs
Have you ever had the experience of having to watch someone deliver a long and weepy statement on a topic you truly do not care about? If not, Tennessee Titans left tackle Taylor Lewan is here to provide you with that experience:...
Christen Press On Her Ill-Conceived Partnership With Barstool Sports: "I Wasn't Familiar With The Site"
After a week of ducking questions about the origins of her regrettable World Cup victory parade partnership with the racist and misogynist clown show that is Barstool Sports, Christen Press finally responded last night. It will surprise no one that Barstool’s version of events was misleading....
Aaron Boone Melts All The Way Down, Torches Umpire With Incredible Rant
Aaron Boone did not make it very far into in this afternoon’s Rays-Yankees game. In just the second inning, umpire Brennan Miller had apparently been a bad enough job calling balls and strikes by Boone’s measure that he stormed out of his dugout and absolutely ripped into Miller. Brett Gardner had j...
Miscounted Chips Lead To World Series Of Poker Drama
The World Series of Poker, the favorite sporting event of kids who are home all day for summer break and can’t find anything good to watch, is currently underway, and folks, we got some drama....
USWNT Press Officer On Christen Press's Barstool Sports Partnership: "Something Seems Amiss!"
During Wednesday’s victory parade for the USWNT, Christen Press briefly took over the Barstool Sports Instagram account, where she posted videos of her and her teammates celebrating. Later that day, Barstool Sports published a post under the headline “Confirmed: The USWNT Loves Barstool Sports,” in ...
The AHL App Melted Down And Demanded $6,000 From A Guy Named Stewart
The American Hockey League’s long-awaited schedule announcement for the 2019–20 season hit a minor road block on Wednesday, when the code behind the official app of the NHL’s top minor league became self-aware and demanded money from Stewart Zimmel. At least, that’s one way to interpret these confus...
Until There's A Contract, There's No Contract
Here is some weapons-grade stoogery, from The Athletic’s Jared Weiss:...
Officials Respond To Public Records Request On Bengals' New Stadium Deal With 275 Pages Of Redactions
It is not exaggeration to say that the Cincinnati Bengals’ revised stadium lease with Hamilton County, agreed in November 2018, is still largely secret. Among the many figures that weren’t released at the time the agreement was announced was how much the county—and thus, taxpayers—will be spending t...
Messi On Copa América: "I Think The Cup Is Fixed For Brazil"
Despite the absence of Lionel Messi, and being down to 10 men on the field, Argentina were able to hold off Chile in the Copa América third place game with a 2-1 victory to take home bronze in the tournament. However, the Argentinian superstar was noticeably absent from the ensuing medal ceremony, d...
Angry, Pinwheeling Joe Maddon Gets Tossed From Cubs-Pirates Game
A steady stream of high and inside pitches from Pirates starter Jordan Lyles set off Cubs manager Joe Maddon yesterday, causing him to hop out of his dugout, to angrily shout at the Pirates’ dugout, and to even uncork a nifty little spin move in his efforts to break free of the umpire’s grip. Maddon...
Egyptian Soccer Player Kicked Off National Team After Getting Exposed As A Sex Pest On Social Media
The Egyptian national soccer team, currently competing in the African Cup of Nations, announced today that they have booted midfielder Amr Warda out of their AFCON squad after several women revealed evidence of Warda being a DM-sliding, unsolicited dick pic-sending creep....