sad Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Well, Here's A Characteristically Depressing Inning From The Reds Bullpen
It’s remarkable that Cincinnati’s bullpen didn’t finish last in any meaningful statistical category last year. They were terrible, of course, and they ended up in the bottom five for just about everything—ERA, FIP, strikeout-to-walk ratio, total saves, home runs allowed—but there was no one spot whe...
Scott Brooks Looked Like He Wanted To Die
Last night’s game between the Cavs and Wizards was a fun one, featuring LeBron James fully rounding in playoff form and orchestrating a 32-14 run to close out the last 7:48 of the game. The game also offered us a chance to see Wizards head coach Scott Brooks’s soul die, little by little....
Lionel Messi Did Not Have Fun At Spain's 6-1 Drubbing Of Argentina Today
Just a couple of months before June’s World Cup begins, a next-generation Spain squad incinerated a mostly full-strength Argentina in Madrid today, riding an Isco hat trick to a 6-1 laugher. It’s only a friendly, but still, it wasn’t good, and Argentina star Lionel Messi, missing the game with a ham...
UMBC Beats Virginia: A Schadenfreude Gallery<em></em>
We’re still recovering from the disbelief of last night’s historic 16-over-1 upset of Virginia at the hands of Maryland-Baltimore County. As is tradition, here is your gallery of sad Virginia fans....
Who Killed Pitt Basketball?
PITTSBURGH — I hadn’t even made it to my seat, and Pitt basketball was already living down to my expectations....
Lonzo Ball Lost A Shooting Contest To Bow Wow
If you are a professional basketball player there is one thing you have to understand: Even though losing a casual shooting contest to a non-professional basketball player is not an objectively big deal, it is something you absolutely cannot allow to happen. Why? Because when it does happen, you hav...
Poor Valparaiso Freshman Dunked Out Of Existence
Say a prayer for Valparaiso freshman Mileek McMillan, for surely he will never be seen again on earth after what happened to him Saturday night:...
Sadio Mané Really Fucked Up
Sadio Mané isn’t the sole reason Liverpool failed to beat Everton in a match they completely controlled everywhere except on the scoresheet. You could and probably should blame the referee for awarding Everton an exceptionally soft penalty from which the Toffees scored their only good chance of the ...
Greg Hardy Wins Farcical MMA Bout
Former NFL player Greg Hardy is trying his hand at MMA, and won his debut fight in 32 seconds on Nov. 4. On Friday, he won his second fight in 96 seconds, and the video footage indicates that it was the dumbest fight in history:...
Presenting The Al Pacino Matrix
In a lot of ways, getting old is fine. Your body starts doing a bunch of crazy new gross things, first little by little and then all at once, which is especially fun if you’re a fan of Franz Kafka or David Cronenberg. Old habits downshift into dorkier but less damaging obsessions, and you discover t...
I Saw The Buttfumble Live And It Fractured My Family<em></em>
Sometime in the winter of 2010, my dad sat my younger brother and me down for a talk....
Ned Yost Fell Out Of A Tree
Here’s some news about Royals manager Ned Yost:...
Spirit Of Lionel Messi Temporarily Departs Barça Star's Body To Inhabit That Of Valparaiso Player
This is literally the only sporting event on right now....
Markelle Fultz Is Shooting Left-Handed Jumpers, For Some Reason
No. 1 overall pick Markelle Fultz is currently unable to play for the Sixers due to an injury to his right shoulder. Since he’s right-handed, the injury has prevented him from shooting a basketball, and yet there he was today during a team practice, shooting jumpers ... with his left hand....
Brock's Back
Let’s do a quick rundown of what has happened to Brock Osweiler over the last two seasons: With Peyton Manning hurt for a good chunk of the 2015 season, Osweiler played in eight games for the Broncos and did Fine, leading the team to a 5-3 record and throwing 10 touchdowns. He was meant to be Mannin...
Barstool Sports Asked Potential Employee To Sign Away Her Right To Be Offended<em></em><em></em>
This afternoon, former Fox Sports college football host Elika Sadeghi told a story about how she recently walked away from a job offer from a sports media company because it asked her to sign an agreement acknowledging that she would willingly work in an environment where she might be exposed to “nu...
Giants Heroes Disgrace The Ceremonial First Pitch With Vile Prolate Spheroids
The Yankees today invited four members of the 2007 Super Bowl-winning New York Giants—David Tyree, Shaun O’Hara, Antonio Pearce, and Jeff Feagles—to throw out ceremonial first pitches at today’s home game against the Orioles. Guess what those four assholes didn’t do? They didn’t throw out first pitc...
Flames, NHL Claim Team May Move If Calgary Doesn't Give Rich Asshole Millions
The Calgary Flames announced today that they’re done trying to bilk hundreds of millions of dollars from the city to pay for a new arena, again suggesting that they’re ready and willing to relocate if that’s what it takes to get a new stadium that they don’t have to fund themselves—unless, that is, ...
Bad Thing Happens To Mets Player
This is going to come as a shock, but the Mets dealt with some terrible luck today....