sadwhimsy Page 6 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Delmon Young Can Earn $600,000 In Bonus Money By Not Being A Fat Mess
On Tuesday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed Delmon Young, noted anti-semite and worst player to ever win the ALCS MVP, to a one-year, $750,000 contract. Today, we learned that Young's contract has one very peculiar stipulation. From the AP:...
Every Headline About Derrick Rose Is A Black Pit Of Sadness
Here’s a bunch of headlines—written during the past week—about Derrick Rose’s attempts to return to the basketball court that will make you really sad:...
Hammer-Wielding Yinzer Tries To Break Into Steelers Locker Room
A man wearing (only?) a Pittsburgh Pirates hat and gray sweatpants attempted to break into the Steelers locker room at Heinz Field Saturday with a hammer. Security at the stadium noted that he busted a lock at Gate B to gain entry to the stadium and then took his own personal tour of the playing fi...
American Hero Poses For Embarrassing Photo Opportunity
Part of the deal with big events like Bowl games is that due to the corporate-like nature of each these days, you've got to do a lot of glad-handing with a bunch of yutzes in suits. The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl is no different....
Georgia Woman Exposes Self, Molests Bar Patrons While Watching SEC Championship Game
Watching a big football game at a bar can be fun. You get to drink beer, cheer loudly, and share in the joy of victory or the pain of defeat with other like-minded fans. That experience is probably what patrons of El Jinete and Friends Sports Grill (!) in Dacula, Ga., were looking for when they set...
There Is Nowhere Else To Go But Up For The Washington Wizards
The Washington Wizards lost to the San Antonio Spurs tonight and are now 0-12 on the season. John Wall remains injured but it looks like he has a plan. Or he's falling asleep. Either way....
"Driver's License Belonging to David Petraeus's Lover Found By”: A Brief Index Of Recent Notable Events Involving Joggers
An occasional miscellany (with a head nod toward this great old post on Runner's World's website)....
"Gored To Death By Indian Bison": A Brief Index Of Recent Terrible Events Involving Joggers
An occasional miscellany (with a head nod toward this great old post on Runner's World's website)....
"They Represented Canada Well": Sad Things Said Yesterday By Managers Of Eliminated Little League Teams
The Little League World Series is going on, you realized over the weekend, as you scrolled through your digital cable guide. That means ESPN is lying about fastball velocities and kids' dreams are getting crushed. They will never become Chris Drury or Todd fucking Frazier. They'll just sit around, t...
This Is The Giant Tree Limb That Hospitalized A Woman In Oregon By Suddenly Falling On Her
Poor Melany Crocker. According to The Oregonian, the 21-year-old rising senior at Linfield (Ore.) College was running at a local park Wednesday evening when the Sweetgum tree branch you see above came crashing down on her. Crocker is a sprinter on the Linfield track team. She was pinned to the groun...
"Struck By Blow Dart": A Brief Index Of Recent Terrible Events Involving Joggers
An occasional miscellany (with a head nod toward this great old post on Runner's World's website)....
Important Note: This Was The <em>Worst</em> Olympic Cauldron-Lighting Ceremony Ever
Last night, our colleague Erik Malinowski posted a video of the torch-lighting at the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona. He called it the "greatest Olympic cauldron lighting ceremony ever."...
Read The Full Saga Of The Piggyback Bandit
Back in 2009, we wrote about the strange antics of Sherwin Shayegan, otherwise known as the Piggyback Bandit. Intrigued by Sherwin's story, the fine folks at Grantland sent Bryan Curtis on the bandit's trail in the hopes that some sense could be made of the man's obsession with piggyback rides....
Rufus The Pigeon-Scaring Hawk At Wimbledon Has Gone Missing, Foul Play Suspected
Disturbing news out of Wimbledon today: a hawk named Rufus, who has been used to scare away pigeons and other small, distracting birds from the courts at the All England Club, was stolen early Friday morning. He was in his cage, in a car parked on a private driveway in Wimbledon. The car's rear win...
Today In Michael Beasley Is An Enormous Weirdo: "I Like To Fart Sometimes And Keep It N A Bottle 2 Smell Later"
Tipster Tyler C. alerted us to this wonderfully vivid mental image tweeted (and since deleted) by Michael Beasley. Beasley has indicated that his account was hacked, but who knows for sure. I suppose it's possible some rapper really wants the word out that Michael Beasley is a big fan and doesn't m...
Former New York Yankee Great Jim Leyritz Will Be At A Penn Station Bookstore Next Thursday
Here's something: A bookstore in the commuter centrifuge that is Penn Station will host a Jim Leyritz book signing event for a book—Catching Heat—that came out almost a year ago....
Fox Sports Arizona Did A Text Poll Asking Who's The Best In The NL East, And They Listed Every Team Except The Mets
The above comes from the Diamondbacks-Braves game on Sunday afternoon, which Ian Kennedy and company wound up winning 6-4....
Half-Headed Guy From That One Mugshot Films "Drugness And Driving" PSA While Smoking A Blunt
We first told you about the half-headed man a little more than a year ago, when his bust in Miami for soliciting a prostitute produced the most bizarre mug shot of all time. The Miami New Times has been trying to track him down to tell his story ever since, and they've learned he's been arrested fo...
Matt Kemp Encapsulates McCourt Era In Well-Meaning 20-Second Video
"We want more fans." Also, money....
This Is The Saddest Image To Come Out Of The Sad WNBA Draft
The 2011 WNBA draft, held at 3 p.m. on a Monday, is now wrapping up. No shockers here: the Minnesota Lynx selected UConn's Maya Moore (projected during the draft to be the league MVP) with the first pick, 6'8" Australian Elizabeth Cambage was second overall and will play for Tulsa, and Courtney Vand...