screamer Page 38 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Liverpool Lose By Enough To Win Their Way Into The Champions League Final
Continuing this year’s Champions League tradition of first-leg beatdowns followed by second-leg borderline meltdowns, Liverpool lost to Roma today by a score of 4-2 but still won the tie. They will now meet Real Madrid in the final in Kiev on May 26th....
Ethiopian Soccer Coach Fired For Socking A Ref In The Face
Video replay in soccer sucks, but goal line technology is great. The biggest advocate for the introduction of this tech in Ethiopian soccer is probably the referee of this weekend’s Defence Force vs. Welwalo Adigrat match, since it probably would’ve saved him from getting fed this fist sandwich:...
Blame Bayern Munich, And All The Rest Of Them
If, after watching Bayern Munich’s appalling display of simultaneous superiority and ineptitude that granted the evil white empire of Real Madrid entry to the Champions League final, you found it a little difficult to maintain the furious, righteous anger in your belly once you saw the agonizing, te...
Historically Horrendous Boner By Bayern Munich's Keeper Gifts Real Madrid A Goal
If ever there were any doubt that Real Madrid are the luckiest team in the history of the world, this staggering gaffe by Bayern Munich’s Sven Ulreich that set up Karim Benzema for the easiest goal he’ll ever score in his life should remove all doubt:...
Aussie Teen Delivers Wicked Scorpion Goal
Nineteen-year-old Riley McGree, born in Gawler and currently on loan with the Newcastle Jets, earned himself a bonzer golazo against Melbourne City with an inspired scorpion-kick finish that had the whole crowd, and an announcer, marveling at its freakishness....
Father Of Future American Wonderteen Barron Trump Tries To Threaten His Way To A North American World Cup
The father of noted Arsenal fan and possible future of American soccer Barron Trump, Donald Trump, took a break from caring about a black person tonight and delivered a message about the U.S.’s joint World Cup bid that should be not-at-all off-putting to the voters in the countries it’s meant to add...
Arsenal Snatch Draw From The Jaws Of Victory
This afternoon in London, Arsenal put together the most fitting possible tribute to lame-duck manager Arsene Wenger by gagging up a result to Atlético Madrid in the Europa League semifinals in rather embarrassing fashion. Arsenal played almost all of the of the game up a man, thanks to some poor ref...
Soulless Avatars Of Late Capitalism Set Up Nicely To Acquire Another European Cup
European Soccer Market (ESM) analysts the world over are still abuzz about the big step Real Madrid (ESM:RMD) took on their path to consolidating their ownership of the European Cup for the third consecutive year....
Fox Sports Is Half-Assing The World Cup
Fox Sports, who paid an unprecedented $425 million for the TV rights to the 2018 and 2022 World Cups—before the U.S. team shockingly failed to qualify—announced today that it is essentially giving up on trying to make its World Cup broadcast as good as it could be. But, don’t worry, it will be a lo...
High-Kicking Madman Should Maybe Switch From Soccer To Taekwondo
Here we have yet another South American soccer player who apparently can’t differentiate between the kinds of kicks you use to score goals as Messi when playing FIFA and those you use to punt opponents’ heads off their bodies as Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat:...
Mohamed Salah Ate Roma Alive
Midway through the process of finding the precise Hannibal reference to throw into a headline about how thoroughly Mohamed Salah had obliterated the Roman forces sent to Liverpool in today’s fantastic Champions League semifinal, Roma stormed back from what was a 5-0 deficit to seal for themselves a ...
Liverpool Fans Get Rowdy, Hop On Police Vans
After the madness of the post-apocalyptic scenes from Liverpool’s Champions League quarterfinal home leg against Manchester City, it’s hard to act surprised when a European night at Anfield results in some dangerously intense fan behavior. Liverpool’s festivities ahead of their semifinal against Rom...
The Ballon d'Or Is Stupid, But Mohamed Salah Deserves To Win It Anyway
If there’s any justice in the world, Mohamed Salah will be rewarded for his jaw-dropping, record-making, goal-packed, unforgettably great season with the highest individual award in the land, the Ballon d’Or....
Oh My God, Arsène Wenger Is Finally Out
After 22 years at Arsenal’s helm, and less than a week after Arsenal’s latest embarrassing defeat—a 2-1 loss to Newcastle—beloved but increasingly beleaguered manager Arsène Wenger has announced he will leave the club at the end of the season, one year before his contract is set to expire. He said:...
Soccer Player Tries To Beat His Manager's Ass For Subbing Him Out Of Game
We’ve all seen players stomp off the pitch in barely suppressed anger after their manager has subbed them out of a game. A far less common sight is a player communicating his post-subbing displeasure by walking off the pitch and straight over to the coach and attempting to kick his ass:...
Idiot On The Pitch Tries To Tackle Ref, Fails
Oldham Athletic was playing a match against Rochdale AFC Tuesday when the referee signaled a penalty for Rochdale after a trip in the box. One Oldham fan did what any sensible person would in that situation: He ran onto the pitch and tried to tackle the referee....
Goalkeeper Gives Up Very Dumb Goal After Forgetting Where He Kicked The Ball
League One side Shrewsbury Town dropped a 2-0 match to Charlton Athletic this afternoon, with the clincher coming right at the end of the second half. Shrewsbury keeper Dean Henderson tried to clear the rock out of his half, but instead he punted it into the air, lost track of it, and served up a ta...
Enormous, Real-Life Bear Oversees Kickoff Of Russian Soccer Match
Mascots are a common sight at soccer matches. Traditionally, these take the form of cute little children who escort the players onto the pitch to start a match. Sometimes, as was the case before a game in Russia this weekend, the cute little children are swapped out in favor of a huge fucking bear:...
Referee Awards Penalty Kick During Halftime In Latest Video Replay Farce
If ever you needed evidence that even when video replay is right it can still be horribly wrong, yesterday’s Bundesliga match between Mainz and Freiburg should serve as just that....
Manchester City's Title Run Ends With A Wet Fart
As the determiner of an ultimate champion, the soccer system is great. The table never lies and every match matters and you always know that, come the end of the long, grueling season, the team that stacked up the most points will hoist the trophy above their heads in front of their adoring fans wit...