Here Are 10 Minutes Of The Finest Soccer Passes From Last Season
The Premier League season starts this goddamn weekend. It’s been like four seconds since the World Cup ended. Regardless, that’s exciting news.
Gianluigi Buffon Ends 17-Year Juventus Career With Win, Serie A Title
Legendary Juventus keeper Gianluigi Buffon was substituted out at about the hour mark of today’s match against Verona. The appearance will be the last in Buffon’s incredible 17-year run at Juventus. As you can imagine, it was an emotional moment:
Stadium Steward Has Organ Removed After Wayward Free Kick Murders His Spleen
In a Serie A match on Sunday, Inter winger Antonio Candreva tried to send the ball screaming into the upper corner of Torino’s goal. Instead, he sent a stadium steward screaming into the hospital when his errant shot flew over the crossbar, smashed into the unsuspecting steward’s back, and ruptured his spleen.
Fiorentina Captain Davide Astori Dies Suddenly At 31
31-year-old Fiorentina captain Davide Astori died suddenly at the team hotel in Udine ahead of the team’s match at Udinese Sunday.
Sad, Rich Teen Gianluigi Donnarumma Has Pissed Off AC Milan Fans Again
Gianluigi Donnarumma is a teenaged, homegrown superstar-in-the-making who plays for one of the biggest clubs in the world, AC Milan. In terms of fan adoration, these facts should put him somewhere on the spectrum between “Spurs fans who’d let Harry Kane make love to their mothers if it would make him just a little bit…
Serie A Keeper Scores Ridiculous Stoppage Time Goal On Flying Header
AC Milan had a 2-1 lead on last place Benevento in the 95th minute today, with Benevento setting up for a free kick deep in Milan territory. You know what that means: the underdogs pulled keeper Alberto Brignoli forward to load up the box. And is there any way I would be showing you this video if Brignoli hadn’t done…
This Big Slovak Kid Straight Up Wrecked The Famed Stars Of Napoli's Attack
Highlight reels in soccer often cull together the best moves of attacking players, and for good reason. Scoring is the most important thing you can do in the sport, dribbles and passes and shots are just more aesthetically pleasing than smart defensive positioning, etc. etc. That doesn’t mean the big lads at the back…
AC Milan Are Back From The Grave
AC Milan have spent this decade in free fall. Despite being seven-time European champions and 18-time Italian champs, Milan haven’t won Serie A since 2011, and have struggled for relevancy since Zlatan Ibrahimović left in 2012. In the past four seasons, Milan has finished between sixth and tenth—an unacceptable new…
Horny Italian Soccer Official Wants New Stadiums To Have Lap Dancing
Italian FA president Carlo Tavecchio doesn’t like to see Serie A’s soccer stadiums lag behind others in Europe. Like the modern-day Jerry Worlds of America, or new Wembley in London, he wants Italy’s new pitches to be hubs of community and commerce. At an Anti-Mafia Commission hearing, Tavecchio made clear exactly…
Gerard Deulofeu Returns To Barcelona, Which Is Just The Stupidest Idea
Goddammit. You were so close to making it, Gerard, and then you had to go and do this.
Juventus Teen's Dad Demands Club Pay Him In Farming Equipment Like They Promised
After becoming the first player born this millennium to appear in a match in one of Europe’s big five leagues last season, 17-year-old Juventus forward Moise Kean is already making hay in Serie A. Moise’s father, however, is upset at Juve for hampering his ability to make rice and corn back in Ivory Coast by not yet…
Milan Fans Are So Disgusted With Their Goalkeeping Prodigy They're Throwing Fake Money At Him
Gianluigi Donnarumma, aside from having an incredible name, is also the most promising young goalkeeper in the world. The prodigy they call “Gigio” is only 18 years old, and yet he’s already played two seasons as AC Milan’s starting keeper. On the international level, Donnarumma is the clear successor to all-time…
Andrea Belotti, Young Italian Soccer Man, Is Having Himself A Hell Of A Season
Andrea Belotti ... that famous Italian singer guy? Nope, that’s Andrea Bocelli, but good try.
Finally, Someone Appears Ready To Unleash The Full Powers Of Gerard Deulofeu
It’s been an up-and-down year in an up-and-down career for the magnificently gifted, maddeningly daft, infinitely enamoring young winger Gerard Deulofeu.
Italian Guy Tries To Scheme His Way Into Hospital To Watch Soccer Game From Window, Fails
Most of the time when someone pretends to be sick so as to gain admission to a hospital, it’s to finagle their way into a prescription for drugs to slake an addiction. Yesterday, one Italian man tried something similar, though his addiction is to soccer and his satisfaction could be found right there outside the…
Lazio Player Slams Opponent In Racist Post-Game Remarks
Following this weekend’s Rome Derby between Lazio and Roma, Lazio player Senad Lulić hit out at Roma’s German defender of African descent, Antonio Rüdiger, with racially inflammatory comments. Lulić is quoted as saying “Two years ago [Rüdiger] was selling socks and belts in Stuttgart, now he acts like he’s a…
Juventus's Ungodly Fee For Gonzalo Higuaín Is Well Worth It
Okay, sure. When you first saw the name Gonzalo Higuaín—one part veteran, world-class, goalscoring bulldozer, one part habitual choke artist—associated with a transfer fee teetering dangerously close to the €100 million mark, you probably had to clench your eyes closed and press the palms of your hands against them so…
Silvio Berlusconi To AC Milan's Players: Stop Sucking Or I Won't Pay You
Libidinous tangerine peel, AC Milan owner, and proto-Trump Silvio Berlusconi is mad. The media magnate has owned Milan for a few decades now, but never before has he had to suffer through such a drab spell of mediocrity. Talking to the players ahead of the biggest match of the season, Berlusconi made clear that if…
Here Are All 36 Goals From Gonzalo Higuaín's Amazing, Record-Breaking Season
As inarguably great as Gonzalo Higuaín has been for the better part of a decade now, he tends to be overlooked when it comes time to rhapsodize about the great pure strikers in the world. But after the season he just put together at Napoli, scoring 36 goals in 35 matches and thus breaking Serie A’s single-season…
Francesco Totti Starred In Front Of Roma Fans, For Perhaps The Final Time
Francesco Totti might be the most beloved athlete by his team’s fans in the world. At 39 he still plays for hometown club Roma, who he signed with as a 12-year-old in 1989. He is Roma’s captain—he was first named in 1998, 18 goddamn years ago—and holds numerous club and Serie A records.
