It’s fine to know nothing about football. It’s also fine to know everything about football. What I know about football is: nothing.

The camera is facing a toilet.

Michael Lopez is the Director of Data and Analytics for the NFL, and is a statistics professor at Skidmore College. He runs the site StatsbyLopez, and in a series of posts is breaking down the findings of a forthcoming paper he’s written with a couple of colleagues. And this, my friends, is the good stuff.

If you read about the French Open’s plan to change its dress code, all because Serena Williams wore a catsuit at the tournament this year, and thought, Hmm I wonder what former Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad thinks about this, well, now you know.

Rudolph “Blaze” Ingram is a 6-year-old with a bevy of accolades in his future, according to the Instagram account controlled by his father. He runs track, plays football, and does speed drills. That’s cool, but this child is too strong. He already has a damn six-pack, going on eight.

A good tweet from our deceased former colleague Cerebral Commie Aisle about the perils of leaving a game too early—

“Patriotic displays, they mean a lot more to me when they’re spontaneous. But to learn that these had been paid for—that corporate teams, teams owned by billionaires, basically, were collecting money from the military. Paid for, obviously, by you and me, by the American taxpayer. Well, it was sad.” Veterans speak…

Okay, team. This week was a rambunctious one, full of so many twists and turns that none of us could really follow the playbook. As the season goes on, the chaff will be cut and the roster will really start to gel. But in the meantime, as your stern but loving coach, I’m here to make clear what really went down on…

Well, here I am, team. Despite what I told myself about not being able to put my body through another season, what with the countless pep talks and endless late nights and the cold Gatorade showers, I’m back. Team, I don’t know how, I don’t know why (well, to be very frank, I do know why: that $$$ contract), but I’ve…

This devil magic is tearing the entire GMG newsroom apart, and now you have to deal with it too. What is this robot saying??? I hear “Laurel” and I can’t even hear the faintest shred of “Yanny,” so please tell me what you hear.

Sports genius Donald Trump has done the inevitable, again. This time, the big lad has put his close personal friend Bill Belichick on an official Presidential council. Shockingly, Belichick will not be in charge of any nuclear weaponry or an actual department of significance, which honestly would have made as much…

Today was Bring Your Child To Work Day. I brought my big little dude Cameron to the office, and he consented to a sit-down interview, on the condition that he not actually have to sit down on his own. I even managed to hold his attention for more than two minutes.

This golf ball’s trajectory will make your emotions soar, only to very quickly leave them afloat in mid-air, wondering where and how to land.

Life is a strange thing, isn’t it? I had no idea, for example, that after many years spent not playing or following sports, I would one day become the deputy editor of Deadspin following the untimely death of Barry Petchesky. And yet, here I am. The deputy editor of Deadspin.

In the grand metaphor of life, where the ocean is the world and we are the surfer getting battered against some rocks, it’s comforting to know that there are people like Australian Ross Clarke-Jones.

Newsflash: it’s cold in England. It’s also winter. And we’re not even talking about true cold, here: in the range of 32 degrees Fahrenheit, with overnight temperatures in the teens. Mehhhhhh. For point of reference, at the opening ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympics, in Pyeongchang, temperatures fell below zero. How…

I remember the moment well, save for all of the details. It was a bar with food, or maybe a restaurant with drinks. It was for sure on the North Side of Chicago. There was beautiful reclaimed wood everywhere, with tables to match. Big windows looking onto the street covered all of one wall. I was there with one, two,…

Our ovoid president took his first physical exam this morning, and you will not be surprised to learn that the natural athlete is in “excellent health.” Though his arteries may be as grease-occluded as any gout-afflicted Tudor monarch, and while he sleeps just four or five hours a night, the president clocked in at…

Here are the best times for tipoffs, kickoffs, first pitches, and whatever they do in soccer:

Oh, what’s that? Your dog can sled? That’s real cute. Now get the fuck out of here, because this one can also act as its own ski lift.