takes Page 5 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

It's Time To Spend A Few Weeks Telling Yourself You Like Fall<em></em>

The air is crisp and cool, the sky streaked with low, scuttling, ragged clouds, heading out of town in a hurry, like seasonal tourists. In quiet moments you can hear a crow. Somewhere in your immediate surroundings, should you care to look for it, is a spiderweb. They’re everywhere right now, spider...

Michael Jordan Has Bad Kobe-Versus-LeBron Take

Meme face and one-time basketball man Michael Jordan addressed youngsters at his 2017 Flight School basketball camp, offering the obviously wrong and bad opinion that Kobe Bryant ranks ahead of LeBron James as an all-timer:...

Midwestern Guy Wants You To Doubt Adrian Beltre Because He's Dominican

Fox Sports guy Doug Gottlieb has a big wet blanket for anyone excited about Adrian Beltre’s 3000th hit: Did you know that Beltre is Dominican??? Fucked up, but true....

Michael Vick Suggests That NFL Teams Are Put Off By Colin Kaepernick's Hair [Update]

Colin Kaepernick still doesn’t have a job in the NFL. Could that be because he’s no longer a star, only an average starting quarterback, and the league has thus deemed him more trouble than he’s worth? Or is it because he won’t cut his afro? Former NFL QB Michael Vick suggested on All Takes Matter...

What Is The Most Mentally Grueling Sport, And Why Is It Not Tennis?<em></em>

Last week our own Laura Wagner declared tennis to be the most mentally grueling of all sports, which greatly incensed the rest of us on staff who have borne witness to professional tennis players being tended to by an army of small child servants during matches. So what IS the most mentally grueling...

Ornery Columnist: Snacks In Youth Sports Are Making America Soft

Snacks: Are there too many of them? I don’t know—when I look in my pantry, I am often disappointed by how few snacks there are. If you ask me, there should be a lot more snacks around me at all times. Snacks are good is a broadly popular opinion, judging by the contents of aisles four thru six of my...

Civility Is Overrated

Earlier this week there was a phony report about the Golden State Warriors deciding not to go to the White House after winning their second title in three years. That prompted Washington Post columnist Sally Jenkins to write this column calling for all of the Warriors to go and shake Donald Trump’s ...

Keep The Olympics The Fuck Out Of Los Angeles

Last summer, Rio de Janeiro put on an Olympic Games that should serve as a blaring warning siren to any potential host city stupid enough to want to pay billions for the rights to the Games. Before the Games had been out of town four months, Rio de Janeiro had to declare bankruptcy because they were...

IMPORTANT: I Would Not Bone A Vampire

Recently, I got into an argument with a series of colleagues surrounding the very simple question: If vampires were real, would you have sex with one?...

Quit Horsin' Around, Bob

Have something you think we should know? Email us at [email protected], call our confidential tips hotline at (347) 746-8471, or contact our writers directly, or use our SecureDrop system. You can also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, and sign up for our newsletter!...

Tony Romo: A Career In Takes

If Tony Romo deserves to be remembered for anything, it’s that he managed to make nearly everyone look fucking stupid....

Actually, The Huskies Didn't Want Michael Porter Jr. Anyway, Says Local Columnist<em></em>

Washington Huskies head basketball coach Lorenzo Romar was fired shortly after finishing a soggy 9-22 campaign, the worst in his 14 years at the helm, despite having the likely No. 1 overall pick (Markelle Fultz) in the upcoming NBA Draft. This seemingly non-controversial decision was made much more...

And Now, A Formal Reading Of The Name Of The Year Bracket

The 2017 Name of the Year bracket has landed and, as always, the best way to properly judge entrants like Boats Botes is to say their names out loud for the world to hear. And that’s just what we’re doing in this FULLY ARMED AND OPERATIONAL return of the Deadcast....

The Worst Takes Of 2017

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. What does it have in store for us?...

Charles Barkley Doesn't Like How The Warriors Play "Little Girly Basketball"

Charles Barkley’s role on Inside the NBA is to spout unfiltered takes and tell viewers how the NBA is stupid now because nobody punches each other. Occasionally he lays down a good take but, more often than not, he grumbles out crotchety opinions about back in the day and straddles the border betwee...

Fox Sports Is Extremely Lazy

Several of you noted Fox used the bizarre image above—one of injured Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, but with current Minnesota QB Sam Bradford’s face pasted on—during this afternoon’s NFL broadcast, but that’s far from the first time we’ve seen the image pop up. In fact, it made its debut si...

Accused Serial Groper Arnold Schwarzenegger Denounces Confessed Groper Donald Trump

Now joining the parade of prominent Republicans who have declared that, as of yesterday, Donald Trump became insupportable: former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. In a statement posted to Twitter, the muscleman and action-movie hero wrote: ...

#Fraud. #Pathetic.

Mariners Catcher Barfs Out Some Thoughts About Protestors, Compares Them To Animals

Steve Clevenger is an oft-injured backup catcher for the Seattle Mariners, who is hitting .221 this season in 68 at-bats. This afternoon, he weighed in on the protests sweeping through Charlotte with all the subtlety of an elephant playing the piano....

Race-Baiting Troll Phil Mushnick Cooks His Spiciest Meatball Yet

We haven’t heard from race-baiting troll and New York Post sports columnist Phil Mushnick in a while. He had a Colin Kaepernick take this evening. It will absolutely not surprise you. It’s entitled “Why Colin Kaepernick Is Wrong: It’s Not A Black-And-White Issue.” Like, I said, no surprises to be fo...