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Deadspin NFL Kickoff
Locked out? LOCKED IN! It's time for America's hardest-hatted working heroes to knock heads, only not to knock heads, because nobody wants Super Bowl MVP Aaron Rodgers to get knocked out of a game (again), right? Here's your Packers-Saints open thread, to go with our semi-cryptic gambling advice and...

Life Is Crap Without Something To Look Forward To. The Week 1 NFL Jamboroo
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed....

Here's The Dash Cam View Of Olympic Gymnast Paul Hamm's Drunken Arrest In Ohio Last Weekend
Paul Hamm, the gymnast who won a gold medal in the Athens Olympics back in 2004, was arrested in Ohio last weekend for allegedly assaulting a cab driver. Or, if you'd prefer the Daily News version of this story, he "vaulted into jail over Labor Day weekend after cops said he worked over an Ohio ca...

The Flying Squirrel, Like The Cleveland Indians' Playoff Hopes, Is Getting Away
Your morning roundup for Sept. 8, the day we learned we could buy Marty McFly's shoes. Photo via Big League Stew. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

Deadspin Hall Of Fame 2011: It's Time To Nominate The Worthiest
Greetings, sub-humans. It's that time of the year again, when some of the readership would like to recognize those sporty individuals in our small universe of the internet for their accomplishments off the field . Even though the winners will be announced during the SHOTY competition closer to the e...

You Are Not In A Happy Place: A Player's Farewell To The NFL Preseason
Preseason doesn't matter. For fans, training camp and exhibitions are patiently endured, on the way to the games that are real—games that count for standings, for fantasies, for anything, really. The stories of professional football ambitions go untold. What is interesting about interviewing Peyton ...

One Way To Get Coordinated Is To Stop Picking Your Nose
Your morning roundup for Sept. 7, the day we learned to see the positives in Tasers. H/T to Joe for the picky screen grab from NFL.com's fantasy home page. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

Plane Carrying KHL's Lokomotiv Yaroslavl Crashes In Russia, Leaving Just One Survivor; Former NHL Players Among Dead (UPDATE)
A Yak-42 passenger jet carrying members of the KHL's Lokomotiv Yaroslavl crashed on takeoff, the majority of players on board. (Early reports put the death toll at 36, or 44, or somewhere in between.) The survivor, Alexander Galimov, is said to have critical injuries....

This Evening: Ole Miss Hat Girl Has Creepy Online Suitors
Your p.m. roundup for Sept. 6, the day we discovered a huge-ass crocodile. Reader Ryan sent the above photo and wrote, "I lost a bill on this game but it was worth it when a camera caught this girl. I found out my future wife is in Oxford but I need your help. Can we get some intel on this young la...

Roger Goodell Enforces The Laws That Roger Goodell Came Up With Just Now
Jim Tressel followed in the footsteps of his protégé Terrelle Pryor by jumping to the NFL, and he's going to suffer silently on the sidelines along with him. Yesterday the Colts announced Tressel will sit out the first six weeks, a penalty that was self-imposed because the Commissioner's office was ...

Steve Carlton Really Was A One-Man Team In 1972
Joe Posnanski presents a backhanded defense of the old-fashioned statistic of baseball pitchers' wins today. True, the "winning pitcher" depends on his teammates playing defense and scoring runs for him; yes, great pitchers in bad circumstances can produce feeble win totals, and bad pitchers for gre...

Maryland's Play-Calling Last Night Was Even More Unsightly Than Its Uniforms
Your morning roundup for Sept. 6, the day heroin mills went corporate. Photo courtesy of Mocksession. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

I-Team: Who's The "Totally Single Virgin" Who Advertised Her Phone Number At Fenway Park Today?
Sometimes, investigative subjects make tracking them down an easy task for Deadspin's I-Team. Take Blonde with a Nearly Empty Beer and Dark Nail Polish, for instance. If you read the sign closely, you can see she was going for "Call me, I've never seen the Red Sox play before today." So don't read ...

Fox Sports Apologizes To "The Entire USC Community" For Segment That Singled Out USC's Asian Students
Yesterday, Fox Sports aired a segment that featured Bob Oschack giving USC students a "good, old-fashioned All-American welcome" to Colorado and Utah, the newest members of the Pac-1012. The gimmick: Oshack only interviewed Asian USC students—because in the world of misguided network television humo...

Never Teach Your Kids About Lightning
I have a 5-year-old kid. One of my jobs as a parent is to read books to the kid so that the kid can be smart and make lots of money and eventually buy me a big fucking house that I can drunkenly vomit all over, Gloria James-style. One of the things every parent should do before reading a book to a c...

Fred Taylor Retires A Jaguar, But How Much Does His One-Day Contract Pay?
"There are no dumb questions." That was a promising way for the Jaguars' representative to open the conversation when he returns my call regarding what I presumed was a dumb, dumb question....

Is This Wisconsin OC Paul Chryst Drinking And Dipping His Way Through A 51 Point Outburst?
We saw Twitter buzz about this last night, but this morning a tipster who shall remain nameless ("College football fans are crazy. I don't need people tracking down my Facebook account or anything.") sent along two screengrabs of Wisconsin offensive coordinator Paul Chryst appearing to spit tobacco ...

Matt Cassel's Burden Is Heavier Than Anyone Imagined
Your morning roundup for Sept. 2, the day after we didn't have any change to toss into Bruce Springsteen's guitar case. Photo courtesy @IndianPacker, via @Sportsfeeder1. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

Deadspin Kicks Off The College Football Season
We love college football so much, we will spend the season ranking the sport according to its own logic, even where that logic might seem demented or self-contradictory. What matters: winning. Tradition. A tradition of winning. Crushing your rivals. Sportsmanship. Running up the score. Class. Swagge...
