ump Page 89 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Grand Valley State Mascot Really Loves His Job
OK, I’ve checked the rulebook, and nowhere in there does it say that you can’t hump the goalpost after your team has achieved an important first down. This round goes to you, Grand Valley State mascot. But someday your reign of Div. II goal post-sexual assault will end. Mark my words. ...
How To Bring Your Car Back From The Pound
Not much is worse than having your car towed. We once had our old Toyota Camry towed in St. Louis, and we had to take a cab to a lot in which — and we don't want to overstate this — Beezlebub himself required us to give him 200 bucks in cash. Our keys were covered in sulfur. It's not a fun place to ...
It's Open Season On Charlie Weis
The Charlie Weis / Notre Dame pile-on continues, gloriously. Some of it is justified, like criticism of how the school has handled the Demetrius Jones situation. (They're making him pay for school at Northern Illinois this year by not releasing him from his scholarship.) And some of it is really jus...
Is It Wrong To Do It With An Opposing Team's Fan?
To this day, our favorite ESPN commercial remains the one where the male Ohio State fan and the female Michigan fans make out with each other. There's something primal about our reaction to it; it seems grotesque, somehow, like cousins French kissing, or a dog doing it with a sheep. Sleeping with yo...
It's Time for Sunday Night Football in U.S. America (This Time on Sunday!)
After getting through Thursday night's season kick-off with John Madden only drawing one penis on the screen, Eli Manning is hoping he'll pick up the slack for this evening's tilt, as Manning's Giants travel to Texas Stadium to wage battle in a manner most NFC East with the Cowboys....
About That "Racist Umpire" Study
You remember that NBA refs-are-racists study from a few months ago? Well, if you thought baseball — a sport that's never had any racism, ever — was immune from that, wrong wrong wrong, you....
The Night Time Is The Right Time
It's been confirmed that David Beckham will not start tonight in his debut with the LA Galaxy, however he has indicated that he will suit up and play. The questions remaining are at what point will he enter the game, and how long will his tender pussy ankle allow him to go on. Blah blah blah. The re...
To Watch Tonight
What to watch as the father, son and the holy ghost catch the last train for the coast ... • Cycling: Tour de France, stage 9, Val-d'Isere to Briancon, France. Can you deal with Enhanced Prime? [Versus] • WNBA: Minnesota at Connecticut; Seattle at Phoenix. The excitement is palpable. [ESPN2] • MLB: ...
Kicking Pepperoni On The Ump
There are so many ways to express your displeasure with an umpire. You can boo; some do this quite effectively. You can send him angry letters. You can say nasty things about him on a message board. Or you can throw pizza at him....
Sometimes, Minor League Teams Try Too Hard
I'm not sure it makes me any more anxious to get out and see the Greenville Drive, but ... it is, unquestionably, the best Black Eyes Peas parody video I've seen by a minor league baseball team this year. In fact, it's right up there with Alanis Morissette and Will Ferrell....
The USFL Lives On Through Golf Scrambles
The Wizard Of Odds tips us off to quite the reunion this weekend: It's the 25th anniversary of the USFL! Yes, the football league in which the most powerful person was Donald Trump — never a good sign....
Cubans Treat Their Female Umpires Much Better Than We Do
In the United States, when there's a female umpire, she's mocked, particularly if her name is Violet Palmer and she's, uh, not a particularly great referee. But in Cuba, umpire Yanet Moreno is the talk of communist baseball....
Like Mark Cuban Didn't Have Enough Problems
Donald Trump, in his quest to antagonize every celebrity on the planet, has chosen Mark Cuban as his next target. It is ON:...
Do Not Judge Trump Until You've Walked A Mile In His Hair
Donald Trump's hair is back in the news, this time putting its very existence on the line in some sort of bet with not-crazy-in-the-least WWE frontman Vince McMahon. It's actually a pretty boring proposition; if McMahon's chosen wrestler wins the match, The Donald must shave his head. If Trump's goo...
My Mother The Ump
Keith Hernandez has been curiously silent about Ria Cortesio, who on Thursday will become the first female umpire to work a Major League baseball game since 1989. Likewise, Cornbread Maxwell could not be reached for comment, as Cortesio, 30, will work the bases for an exhibition game between the Dia...
The Minooka School System Throws Down The Beat
Note to grade school physical education teachers: If you're putting together a mix CD of upbeat songs for your annual fifth grade jump rope fundraiser, make sure that "I'm in Love With a Stripper," by Gangsta Grillz isn't one of them....
Cultural Oddsmaker: Who'll Be The Least Popular During ESPN The Weekend?
AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him and let him know what you think....
Finally, A Worthwhile Video Moment In Ice Jumping
From With Leather comes this brutal video of ski jumper — who will surely be beaten for his poor performance — Jan Mazoch having a little difficult with his jump over the weekend. He's currently in stable condition, which seems like too facile a word for what happens in this video....
Ice Jumping Seems To Be Rather Important In Norway
As you might have suspected, we do not speak Norwegian; we're not even that fluent in Swedish Chef. So we're going from a rough translation here, but apparently a Norwegian women's ski jumping team is in trouble for punishing poor jumps by punching the offender in the face....