James Rodriguez Defies The Laws Of Physics And Ruins Some American Scrubs

A squad of Team USA kids who are mostly less interesting than the American soccer boys who are currently injured—and also this guy who looks just like Michael Bradley oh God wait that’s actually somehow Michael Bradley—is getting wildly overmatched by a World Cup-caliber Colombian team in a Tampa friendly. Thirty-six…

Clint Dempsey Is An Intractable Asshole Who Never Backed Down From Anyone 

After playing professional soccer for 15 years, Clint Dempsey—celebrated striker and guy who broke John Terry’s face—is retiring at age 35 from both the Seattle Sounders and the United States national team. The Sounders posted a statement detailing Dempsey’s long and successful career; Deuce, characteristically, kept…

Americans Are Playing In The World Cup, Just Not For Our Shit-Ass National Team

This was always going to be a terrible World Cup for Americans, seeing as our boys choked like a bunch of chump-ass pissbabies and didn’t qualify for the tournament. However, the tournament hasn’t been completely devoid of American soccer excellence. It’s just that none of that American excellence actually plays for…

U.S. Soccer Tries To Fix Its Problems By Building A Bigger Bureaucracy

U.S. Soccer’s steady march through sclerotic mediocrity continued apace today when American soccer’s governing body announced the hiring of Earnie Stewart as the new USMNT general manager. What the position of “general manager” even entails for the national team and whether Stewart will be any good at it are anyone’s…

Jozy Altidore's Foot Surgery Could Put His World Cup In Dange—Oh Wait Goddammit

In a better world, the news that Toronto FC and USMNT striker Jozy Altidore’s underwent foot surgery yesterday would’ve been awful. Oh Christ, you would’ve thought to yourself after seeing the Altidore news in this hypothetical world where the weather’s a little nicer and your parent company is a little less of a …

Here Are The New Kits The USMNT Won't Wear At The World Cup This Year

U.S. Soccer unveiled the new uniforms for the men’s and women’s national teams in what amounted to a Friday afternoon news dump. The timing was strange, and almost made it seem like they didn’t want to remind everyone that the U.S. men’s national soccer team will not be wearing these sweet new kits at this year’s…