usmnt Page 3 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
American Soccer Is Fine
Zack Steffen, an American soccer player who currently plies his trade on U.S. soil, is set to join the English Premier League’s reigning champions. The Columbus Crew have announced that the MLS Goalkeeper of the Year will be moved to Manchester City Football Club next summer for an undisclosed trans...
Josh Sargent Makes Strong Case For Wonderteenhood By Scoring On His Bundesliga Debut<em></em>
Redheaded American forward Josh Sargent—probably the first- or second-most likely American teenager to inherit the mantle of “Wonderteen” from Christian Pulisic—has been behind in the pecking order for striker-rich Bundesliga squad Werder Bremen for most of the season. However, this afternoon, the 1...
Tortured Hiring Process For USMNT Coaching Job Finally Ends The Way Everyone Knew It Would
U.S. Soccer finally made it official: Gregg Berhalter, who has spent the past five years coaching the Columbus Crew, will be the new coach of the U.S. men’s national team, as has been evident for months. Before falling in line behind a coach, who, by nearly all accounts, is respected and capable, le...
The Next USMNT Coach Will Be Gregg Berhalter, Apparently
It is looking increasingly likely that Gregg Berhalter, former national team player and current Columbus Crew coach, will be named the next coach of the USMNT. It has looked increasingly likely for the better part of a year, but it appears to be actually happening now, so everyone try to look surpri...
The American Outlaws Still Care About U.S. Soccer
On Oct. 10, 2017, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team suffered the most crushing defeat of its modern era: a 2-1 away loss to the tiny island nation Trinidad & Tobago which—coupled with simultaneous wins for Honduras and Panama—assured that in 2018 they’d be watching the World Cup from home for the ...
Let Us Now Enjoy Two Thrilling USMNT Goals, Truly The Only Meaningful Events In The Colombia Friendly
The fresh and interesting Americans—also Michael Bradley was there—responded to Colombia’s first-half onslaught with a couple of goals early in the second half to take a by-God lead! And that was all that happened!...
James Rodriguez Defies The Laws Of Physics And Ruins Some American Scrubs
A squad of Team USA kids who are mostly less interesting than the American soccer boys who are currently injured—and also this guy who looks just like Michael Bradley oh God wait that’s actually somehow Michael Bradley—is getting wildly overmatched by a World Cup-caliber Colombian team in a Tampa fr...
Happy One-Year Anniversary To This Bullshit
Has it already been a year? It seems like just yesterday I was watching wonderteen Christian Pulisic, now a wonderman, sob tears of abject despair and humiliation on a ratty old pitch after being knocked out of the World Cup qualifying rounds by Trinidad and Tobago. Let us take a trip down memory la...
Matt Miazga Adds Insult To Injury By Mocking Diego Lainez's Height In USMNT Victory
The USMNT beat Mexico in an international friendly Tuesday night, 1–0, on a second-half goal from teenager Tyler Adams. You want to see the goal. Fine. Here is the goal, you demanding jerk:...
Clint Dempsey Is An Intractable Asshole Who Never Backed Down From Anyone
After playing professional soccer for 15 years, Clint Dempsey—celebrated striker and guy who broke John Terry’s face—is retiring at age 35 from both the Seattle Sounders and the United States national team. The Sounders posted a statement detailing Dempsey’s long and successful career; Deuce, chara...
European Soccer Is Loaded With American Kids Ready To Tear Shit Up<em></em>
American wonderteen Christian Pulisic will begin his march to the 2019 Ballon d’Or this weekend when Borussia Dortmund open their Bundesliga season against RB Leipzig. It’s hard to believe that Pulisic is still only 19, since he’s already got two stellar seasons at Dortmund under his belt and is the...
Liverpool's B-Team Came To America To Get Smacked Around By Christian Pulisic
Wonderteen Christian Pulisic willed Borussia Dortmund to a 3-1 victory over Liverpool in the International Champions Cup on Sunday, in front of 55,447 of his countrymen in Charlotte. The 19-year-old subbed in at halftime with his team down 1-0 and promptly took the game over. ...
Americans Are Playing In The World Cup, Just Not For Our Shit-Ass National Team
This was always going to be a terrible World Cup for Americans, seeing as our boys choked like a bunch of chump-ass pissbabies and didn’t qualify for the tournament. However, the tournament hasn’t been completely devoid of American soccer excellence. It’s just that none of that American excellence a...
Landon Donovan Wins Biggest Asshole Award In Dumb Soccer Fandom Controversy
If you want to learn about a completely mind-numbing “controversy” about who is and is not allowed to root for which national team at the World Cup, and in the process become more convinced that there isn’t much brain behind that enormous forehead of Landon Donovan’s, then you’ve come to the right p...
Olivier Giroud, Matt<em></em> Miazga Bloodied In Pre-World Cup Friendly<em></em>
As if the French didn’t have enough to worry about—seeing their national team down after one half to the U.S. in its last tune-up before the World Cup—now superstar Olivier Giroud has left the match alongside Matt Miazga after the two clashed heads on a corner kick....
U.S. Soccer Tries To Fix Its Problems By Building A Bigger Bureaucracy
U.S. Soccer’s steady march through sclerotic mediocrity continued apace today when American soccer’s governing body announced the hiring of Earnie Stewart as the new USMNT general manager. What the position of “general manager” even entails for the national team and whether Stewart will be any good ...
Jozy Altidore's Foot Surgery Could Put His World Cup In Dange—Oh Wait Goddammit
In a better world, the news that Toronto FC and USMNT striker Jozy Altidore’s underwent foot surgery yesterday would’ve been awful. Oh Christ, you would’ve thought to yourself after seeing the Altidore news in this hypothetical world where the weather’s a little nicer and your parent company is a li...
Here Are The New Kits The USMNT Won't Wear At The World Cup This Year
U.S. Soccer unveiled the new uniforms for the men’s and women’s national teams in what amounted to a Friday afternoon news dump. The timing was strange, and almost made it seem like they didn’t want to remind everyone that the U.S. men’s national soccer team will not be wearing these sweet new kits ...
U.S. Soccer Blew It
After many months of ardent campaigning and intense pressure from those inside and especially outside the American soccer system for the implementation of serious, fundamental change at all levels of the sport following the USMNT’s horrifying World Cup qualification disaster, voters in the U.S. Socc...
Geoff Cameron Rips Bruce Arena And U.S. Soccer A New Asshole
Anyone with half a brain could recognize that Bruce Arena’s second tenure as USMNT coach was a monumental failure of historic proportions for which he deserved to be exiled to Soccer Siberia and never heard from again. Ditto for U.S. Soccer’s broader complicity in allowing the men’s national team to...