yard-abandonment Page 2 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Alabama Football Player Found Dead; <em>ESPN Insider</em> Has The Story On Which Player Can Best Replace Him
The University of Alabama has confirmed that Aaron Douglas, an offensive lineman, was found dead in Florida this morning. There are no more details regarding the nature of his death, but ESPN Insider's Albert Lin is ahead of the news in some awful way: earlier this afternoon, the "Rumor Central" wri...
Why Yes, One Cleveland Writer Did Make Osama Bin Laden's Death About LeBron James
And it wasn't Scott Raab (yet)....
Bin Laden's Death Means Something Or Other For The NFL Lockout, According To Some Shit Mike Florio Threw At The Wall
Osama Bin Laden is dead, and people are happy, but if we don't have professional football on 9/11, people will be super-sad. This is Mike Florio's argument today. I am not joking, and neither, that I can tell, is Florio....
Jackass Columnist Blames Pitcher For Choosing Childbirth Over Pitching
I'm not a local, so I don't know how much of Dallas Observer columnist Richie Whitt's schtick might be part of his on-air radio personality, but I'm still going to bring your attention to this gem of a column:...
Comatose Giants Fan Shouldn't Have Been Wearing A Giants Jersey, Writes Dumbass
Bryan Stow is the 42-year-old Giants fan who was beaten outside Dodger Stadium and who now lies in a medically induced coma. Stow was wearing a Giants jersey at the time of the attack. I'll let John Steigerwald, a columnist for the Observer-Reporter in Washington, Pa., and a former television anch...
Keeping "Keeping Things In Perspective" In Perspective: Hacky Sportswriting In Response To The Japanese Disaster
Every time some awful tragedy happens—natural disaster, terrorist attack, swine flu—a handful of idea-starved sports hacks sprint to their keyboards or their microphones and unfurl some drivel about how "this really puts sports in perspective."...
Bleacher Report Uses Japan Earthquake As Excuse For Sports Slideshow
"Japan Earthquake and Tsunami: The Worst Natural Disasters in Sports History." Seriously....
Last Night's Winner: Thundersnow And Communist China
Let us call it "Thundersnow" — a Norwegian black metal band of a winter menace, which deposited 18-20 inches of drifting white stuff across the Northeast, canceled football in Philadelphia, and emasculated America....
Batshit Hall Of Fame Voter: "I Compare PED Users To Murderers"
And we compare Lowell Cohn to a cymbal-banging monkey toy. I'm beginning to suspect HOF voters really do fancy themselves an elite task force of karacter kops. Drugs make people crazy. A Hall of Fame ballot makes people crazier. [PressDemocrat.com, Business Insider]...
Last Night's Winner: The Brett Favre Miracle
The following comprises actual phrases from actual stories written about a quarterback who last night performed the miracle of transfiguring his old ass off the injured list. These are taken verbatim....
Cranky Old Man Chides Everyone For Enjoying YouTube Clip
Frank Deford on that whimsical middle school trick play: "It wasn't genius at all; rather, it was a form of child abuse."...
Philadelphia Inquirer Writer Compares Phillies Loss To 1906 San Francisco Earthquake
"When it was over, the town was a charred, smoldering mess—a blackened patch of scorched earth that left the survivors shocked and shattered as they tried to figure out what happened and how to move forward."...
God Gave Mark Dantonio A Heart Attack For Beating Notre Dame, Says Soon-To-Be-Suspended Radio Guy
We said it's time to let the MSU/ND game go. Matt Patrick, of a South Bend talk radio station, should probably have read us before he insinuated that God struck Dantonio down for cheating against the Catholics....
Oh Look, Someone Compared a South Carolina Win to 9/11 (Updated)
You gotta hand it to Doug Jolley of the illustrious GameCockAnthem.com. He captures what an early-season SEC loss must feel like....
Dwyane Wade's World Trade Center Reference And Other Great Moments In 9/11 Sports Analogies
Dwyane Wade's questionable World Trade Center reference he gave to Fanhouse briefly set off hyper-sensitivity alarms everywhere, but it wasn't even that awful compared to some of the other ones we've seen recently....
Tim McCarver: Yankees Front Office Takes After Nazi, Communist Propagandists
Tim McCarver apparently thinks there's a Yankees campaign to remove Joe Torre's Bronx contributions from the annals of history. So, in the fourth inning of Saturday's game against the Rays on Fox, he went all Tim Kampf on viewers....
Cavs Owner Channels Crazy Person: "Some People Think They Should Go To Heaven But NOT Have To Die To Get There"
Owner Dan Gilbert has written an open letter to Cavs fans in the sort of prose you normally find wrapped around a brick. Note the font: The guy makes Comic Sans seem sinister....
Spirit Airlines Graduates From Hornball Puns About Oral Sex To Hornball Puns About Catastrophic Oil Spills
The crappy budget carrier, known for its studiedly edgy marketing tailored to the Cocks-hats-and-Rohypnol crowd, is now cracking wise about the BP oil spill: "Check Out The Oil On Our Beaches." Seriously? Who besides Joe Hazelwood is this supposed to appeal to? [Sparty & Friends]...
How One Energy Company Will Prevent Catastrophic Oil Spills: Swivel-Chair Safety
What you are about to read sums up everything that's boneheaded about corporate America — and it all begins with a swivel chair. Read, weep, and learn....