It’s that time of year again. College football is less than two weeks away, and that means we’re due for a whole new round of PURE COUNTRY HATIN’.
I love watching college football. If it had a playoff, it would be the perfect sport. It has everything you need: asshole coaches, shady boosters, drunken girls with big cans, and HATE. Tons and tons and tons of unbridled hate. Schools hating schools. States hating states. Towns hating towns. They don’t even know why they hate each other so much, but they do! And that’s what makes it such good hate. If you knew why you hated something, that means you’d have more trouble justifying it to yourself. And I don’t like the idea of that at all. I like that hate to go unquestioned, free roam and burn as it pleases.
Best of all, many college football fans are college age men between the ages of 18 and 22. And lemme tell you something, there are no better haters out there than men that age. You talk about a worthless and vile segment of humanity. Guys that age are fucking DICKS. They get drunk. They yell. They start fights. They bite women. They’re spectacularly awful human beings. And every Saturday, they huddle up at Delta Fuckface Douchilon at 7AM to drink Popov and paddle each other on the ass, specifically so that they can be as drunk and obnoxious as humanly possible once game time hits. They say some of the meanest, dumbest, most horrible shit you can imagine. And that’s what makes college football so pantshittingly kickass.
So, with that in mind, let’s run down the Top 25 and say hateful, awful things about every team and state involved. Keep in mind, I know next to NOTHING about most of these teams. But that’s precisely the point. Ignorance is hate’s most precious asset. It’s your chance to work up a good hate lather before the season gets into full swing. As always, I use the AP poll, because the coaches poll is retarded. Let’s go.
1. Alabama: Oh hey, look who’s numero uno. It’s Orange Satan and his little fiefdom of tardbilly mouthbreathers. I liked the Tide much better back in the old days, when Mike DuBose was bending receptionists over his desk. I don’t need the state of Alabama to have any pride whatsoever. They should never be allowed to feel good about themselves. What the fuck do you half-human mongoloid overall-wearing chimps have to be proud of? Congrats, your team finally won another title last year. That means you are now one year closer to Nick Saban bolting for Michigan and leaving you to pick up the pieces of your pathetic, awful, and empty lives, the kind of pointless existence that makes membership in the Aryan Nation all but an inevitability. And you know Bear Bryant? He’s still fucking DEAD. Super dead. Forever. Alabama is America’s ass hair.
2. Ohio State: Oh, sweet fucking Jesus, you people again? Haven’t you people pissed away enough titles? Shouldn’t you be banished to NAIA so that we don’t have to see you lose the national title by 47 points to an SEC team? It’s because of YOU that people from the South are actually starting to feel good about themselves again. That is crap.
I’ve been to Columbus. It’s the kind of place no one would ever live voluntarily. You either live there because you can’t afford to live anywhere else, or because the judge put a travel restriction on your DUI probation. Tear the roof off a fucking Houlihan’s, expand the size of it to 50 square miles, and that’s Columbus. Just one big generic pile of shit. They should have just named it “City.”
3. Boise State: America’s Sweethearts, my ass. I’ll be damned if I’m cheering from some dipshit team from the middle of Idaho. Let me ask you something: If everyone in Idaho died tomorrow, would you care? I mean, just DIED. A virus sweeps across the state and wipes out every last man, woman, and baby. Every Idahoan, dead in a puddle of their own shit and liquefied organs. Would you really give a crap? I say no. Oh, I’d turn on the news and say, “Oh, shit! All the Idaho people are dead. That sucks.” Then I’d turn off the TV and eat a box of Teddy Grahams. I’d pretend to care in my mind, so that I wouldn’t feel like the really shitty person that I am. But deep down? I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t even care if I had relatives living there. If they were living in Idaho, they were probably relatives of mine that were all fucking weird and creepy and lived in a compound. Or they were insufferable outdoorsy assholes. Or they were rich fuckers who skied. Either way, Idaho is pointless.
4. Florida: I actually bear no ill will to you, Florida. I hope you have a fine season, until October comes around and it’s the fourth quarter of a tight game and Urban Meyer’s head fucking BLOWS UP all over the sideline. Just a massive explosion that shatters his whole head, sending out little globs of brain and blood all over the Dazzlers. Then the replay gets on the web and they have to interview Tebow at Denver Bronco headquarters and he’s all crying and shit because Urban was like a Dad to him and he’s saying it’s okay because he’s home with Jesus now and GAHHH HE SHOULD HAVE JUST QUIT! BUT NOW HE’S DEAD! WHAT WILL HIS KIDS DO NOW? GAHHHHHH!
So I’m looking forward to that. Also, you are pussies.
5. Texas: Oh, you Austinites. So goddamn pleased with yourselves. Ooh, loogit us! We have indie movies and indie music and indie food carts and indie pencils! You know what? I don’t like indie things. I don’t like Animal Collective. I saw Half Nelson, and it was a piece of shit. I like movies and songs that look and sound like they cost more than four dollars to make. And if they come hipster-free, then all the better. You people are the fucking Williamsburg of Texas, and that isn’t a compliment. Though I do like that Sam Acho. It’s like his last name is a suffix for all good Latino things: macho, nacho, muchacho, Comacho, borracho… Great name. But you are still ASS.
6. TCU: Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. Oooh! Hold me back! YOU TALK ABOUT A RIVALRY! I can’t wait to see which uptight Christian Texas asshole school this year gets to lay claim to a T-Fal nonstick pan. WHO WILL FRY THE FIRST EGG OF SWEET VICTORY? Count me in!
7. Oklahoma, 8. Nebraska: I don’t even know why we bother to differentiate states like Oklahoma from Kansas or Nebraska. Shouldn’t these all just be lumped into one giant, shitty state? We don’t even have to call it a state. We can just call the US Central Territories. It could appear on maps as a giant black block. Just ignore this section, world. Mind our appearance while we renovate so that it doesn’t look like the arid, man-zombie landscape it currently is. We’ll replace it with a Michael Kors outlet store by 2015.
9. Iowa: Oh, look! It’s the Big Ten’s rapiest team! No wonder Christian Peter’s alma mater wanted to join this conference so very badly. Iowa is the number one producer of corn among all American states. Many of its farmers are heavily subsidized to grow corn, turn that corn into syrup, and then rape every other foodstuff in the grocery store with that syrup so that you and your kids get fatter and fatter and fatter until you look just like everyone who lives in Iowa. Want to know why you can’t resist that Mr. Pibb, tubby? FARMER BOB IS YOUR MAN. I also blame Iowa for Field of Dreams, and all the losers who tell me I don’t have a heart if I don’t like Field of Dreams. Well, fuck THAT. That movie was gay.
10. Virginia Tech: I’m really tired of this team being a “dark horse” national title contender. Pencil them in for 10 boring-as-fuck wins and a forgettable bowl victory and let’s never speak of them again. Know why every analyst creams his jeans watching your special teams? Because watching your offense is like trying to watch two fat people buttfuck without lubricant.
And now, we fly through the rest.
11. Oregon: I had a bunch of nice things to say about this team, but Jeremiah Masoli stole my laptop. But I look forward to another year of this team wearing unis that give Japanese children Parkinson’s disease. Also, the people of Oregon are Beaver-toothed, bike-riding fuckfaces.
12. Wisconsin: Fatties. THIS GUIDE IS NOT FOR PRINTING AND THEN SLATHERING WITH WISPRIDE AND THEN EATING.
13. Miami (FL): Just a reminder of the delightful folks who cheer on the Hurricanes, i.e., Jewish people from Long Island who believe rooting for the Hurricanes somehow makes them black gangsters. From reader Torch Ramrod:
Yep, he’s a Cane through and through. Thirty bucks says that guy has never seen the inside of the Orange Bowl.
14. USC: Oh, what an enjoyable downfall this will be. It’s like the Larry Smith Era is about to happen all over again! And what a joy that was. I can’t think of a more vacant, inane, self-involved, VD-ridden, dipshit Land Rover-driving student body for it all to happen to. I fucking hate the disaffected, stuck-up attitude of these pricks. So unimpressed with everything but themselves. The tombstone of every USC student should read: “Here lies Tyler Taylor. MEH.”
15. Pittsburgh: Doesn’t this town have the Steelers? No one fucking cares about the college team. No wonder Wannstedt is still your head coach. A fucking moose in a trenchcoat could walk the sidelines for your team and no one would notice.
16. Georgia Tech: Don’t care. Jesus, remember when the ACC added Miami and Virginia Tech and it would supposed to be this big superconference? That all went to shit, didn’t it? It’s like someone decided to expand the NFC West to 12 teams.
17. Arkansas: Good Lord, Bobby Petrino is the sleaziest bag of shit to ever walk the Earth. He’s like the white Isiah Thomas.
18. North Carolina: Why don’t you and Duke go in the closet and make ugly children together already?
19. Penn State: Listen, I don’t wanna say mean things about Joe Paterno. He’s a national treasure and a sweet old man. But he’s gonna poop himself on the sidelines this year. He is. Someone will ask him over the headset if he’s happy with the defensive formation and he’s not gonna hear them because he’ll be too busy unloading into the cheesecloth he wrapped around his Jockeys. Then he’ll have to stay still the entire half so that no one will know, with poop running down his gimpy old leg the whole time. Then he’s gonna go into the locker room and be like, URRGH I SHIT MYSELF AGAIN, BOYS! Then they’ll have to wipe him off and wheel him back out. I don’t want that to happen. It’s not right. Let the man go out with dignity. Cut his oxygen tank tube.
20. Florida State: Well, well, well. Look who’s in charge now. They finally pushed out Bobby Bowden and replaced him with… Jimbo Fisher. Really? You entrusted a storied program to a dude named Jimbo? Did he promise you a free fried possum in exchange for the job? Enjoy the cellar of a forgotten conference, East Alabama.
21. LSU: We should revoke their 2007 title. I know they beat Ohio State, but that shouldn’t even count. That is the shittiest national title team ever. Oh, and YOU ARE RAYCESSSSS.
22. Auburn: No one cares. Bama will plow you like Charlie Sheen’s third escort of the evening.
23. Georgia: I drove through Georgia this spring, and that whole state looks like a backyard some asshole left unattended.
24. Oregon State: Ah, Eastern Oregon. Harboring America’s fugitive serial killers since 1909! THE BROWN RIVER KILLER IS AMONG YOU. (NOTE: To those of you bitching that Corvallis isn’t actually in Eastern Oregon, STOP RUINING THE IGNORANCE FOR EVERYONE.)
25. West Virginia: WHO’S UP FOR SOME COUCH BURNIN’ AND UNCLE-BONIN’?
And there’s your 2010 Hater’s Guide to the Top 25. Need to vent on a ranked or unranked team of your choice (NOTREDAMENOTREDAMENOTREDAME), by all means do so in the comments. And get ready for another season of glorious rancor.