You know when you have an exceptionally annoying fly or bee in your house/apartment, and it’s by the window but it just seems to bump into every spot of it but the opening? You’re just a mere moment from relief of being stung or just annoyed in your own house, if only this fucking creature could just find the gateway out of your house and to freedom for both of you. Of course, you’re not going to go over there and risk making it worse. You just have to sit and wait until finally this fucking thing miraculously escapes out your open window to find its destiny on a windshield somewhere.
That’s what it’s been like watching the Chargers’ uniforms over the years. Clearly, the height of any NFL, and really all football unis at any level, is the baby blue with the white helmets. There is nothing better. And yet there they were, butting their heads into the screen or sill with those dark blue things. It’s right there, dipshits! Just get there!
Finally, today, they did.
Everything about these is wonderful, especially the yellow pants. I don’t want to be Homer Simpson and say NFL uniforms achieved perfection in the mid-1970s … but they kinda did? The more pronounced bolt on the pants is just so delightfully tacky I can’t even stand it. They’re the Chargers, don’t you know? More teams need to learn that in this HD/4K era the simpler you go the more your colors pop. Imagine the sun bouncing off the thousands of empty seats at SoFi Stadium in 2023 and making these gleam in the Southern California sun. It’s almost poetic.
And numbers on the helmets! Perfect, understated use of what had been blank space. Because that’s something I definitely understand.
I’ll even excuse the color-rush looks here, because likely they’ll just be on Thursdays when I’m not watching them drunkenly dry-hump their way to a 13-10 loss to the Broncos.
Miranda rating: Two nods, bordering on a smile
On the other side of the spectrum, remember when the Patriots came out to “Crazy Train” as a unit in whichever Super Bowl it was? And we all laughed at just how lame that was (and some of us cried that Randy Rhoads had been reduced to this) and how utterly conventional it seemed? Yeah, the Patriots new duds are the uniform version of that.
Look people, monochromatic looks in football don’t work unless it’s all white. All black uniforms make you look like plaque. These all-blue numbers lack any personality, which I guess is the point. I’m sure every Pats fan in my life will be screaming at me soon that they are a team, not individuals, and that’s what these mean, before punching themselves in the arm and spitting on their daughters.
The silver helmets don’t match anything. The stripes make this look like something off of a Super Nintendo game that didn’t get the licensing and just named the team “Boston” or “Massachusetts.”
Hopefully the new threads represent the unis being as much of an afterthought as the team will turn into post-Brady. But considering how 2020 is going so far, it’s likely we’re getting an undefeated Pats season in these boring-ass uniforms before they meet Brady in the Super Bowl, which will be played on a soundstage somewhere.
Miranda rating: Shake of the head