Senior Producer: Kiran Chitanvis; Creative Producers: Anders Kapur, Jorge Corona; Editor: Anders Kapur

The Deadspin Idiots were slightly salty that our friends at Jezebel told the internet, and us, to “cool it on the bivalves this summer.” Bullshit! Bivalves are the salty mucoid fruit of the sea, and we love them very much.

And so, out of spite, we ate a bunch of oysters slowly and sensually for you guys. This was meant to be a “competition,” at least as originally conceived, but it really just devolved into a leisurely dinner for all parties involved. We really should’ve gotten a martini or two.

Please enjoy this slurpy, ASMR-adjacent, sensory overload of a video with a squeeze of lemon, or some mignonette.