It's October, which means it's time for St. Louis Cardinals fans like Will Leitch to go skipping out of the five-and-dime wearing their propeller beanies and poisoning America with their phony brand of trumped-up goody-goodyism.
The other day, the Wall Street Journal accurately noted that the Cardinals are the most loathsome team in this year's playoffs. Well, Mayor Francis Slay (NOTE: quality lead singer name) wasn't about to take that shit lying down. He took time off from arming the police with rail guns yesterday to pen an op-ed in the WSJ, defending the Cardinals and then doing that thing all politicians do where they trump up their voting district like they're listing their own personal résumé. Let's get into this pile of garbage.
St. Louis to America: Don't Be Jealous
That's the headline. We're already off to a bad start here, because I can assure you that NO ONE in the contiguous 48 states is jealous of St. Louis. No one sitting in Miami right now is like, "Damn, if only I lived in SAINT LOUIS. Then I could have a gun pointed at me every day!" This headline is an announcement that the mayor of a somewhat-major American city is about to accuse the rest of the country of being BUTTHURT, like a standard dipshit on Twitter.
You see, while you might think of St. Louis as flyover country and not pay us much due … we're kind of a big deal come October on Major League Baseball diamonds.
Oh God, fuck you. Anchorman came out a full decade ago. It's just like a politician to throw that reference out there and still think it's gold. DON'T HAVE A COW ABOUT US, AMERICA. (pumps fist)
And the whole "flyover" country thing reeks of Midwestern reverse snobbery. It sneers at the imaginary coastal elites who ignore St. Louis for perfectly viable reasons, and it suggests that St. Louis is some kind of hidden gem of an American city that only REAL FOLK know about. All lies. St. Louis is a boxcar on fire. I like how Slay thinks he can get away with acting all humble while openly bragging about his stupid baseball team.
In fact, we're kind of a big deal for a number of reasons.
Here we go. Are you ready for St. Louis to blow your skull, America? You asked for it.
Thus, I feel compelled to deliver a simple message to America: We're sorry. Sure, we're sorry the Cardinals have won 11 World Series championships, two since 2006.
This is bragging. This is standard asshole bragging. This whole column is "Sorry not sorry." Even Stevie Wonder can see this, because Stevie Wonder can see.
But there's much, much more for which we owe all of you a heartfelt apology.
This is true, but check it out—Slay is going to apologize for other stuff!
Indeed, we're sorry that New York and San Francisco are 2.3 times and 1.7 times respectively more expensive to live in than the St. Louis metro area.
Oh, so your real estate market is horribly depressed because people would much rather live in New York and San Francisco? Well, that's quite a feather in your cap! By the way, I don't even think those numbers are right. I would pay 10 times as much to live in San Francisco.
We're sorry for producing one of the world's best-selling batteries (Energizer) …
OOOOH ENERGIZERS! I was all ready to ignore your argument before you threw down the Drumming Bunny Card.
… and two of the 10 best-selling beers in the world—Budweiser and Bud Light.
Which are actually owned by InBev, which is based out of São Paolo, Brazil. So, congratulations on letting Brazil buy all your shitty-ass beer.
We're sorry that the four largest metro areas in the nation lost nearly 25,000 financial-service jobs between January 2007 and September 2012, while St. Louis added more than 5,500 in the sector.
Jesus, you sure seem happy that a bunch of other people are now unemployed. What a cock. "Sorry you lost your job. GO CARDS."
That guy Jon Hamm? Yeah, we're sorry for raising him here and sending him out into the world for your entertainment delight.
He doesn't even live in your stupid city anymore! He lives in Los Angeles because Los Angeles is fucking paradise compared to St. Louis. It's not like there is something inherently St. Louisan that made Jon Hamm successful. People don't watch Mad Men and go, "Boy, that Don Draper sure is a magnetic screen presence. That guy playing him must be from St. Louis."
OK, now. Are you ready for the hammer? Because Slay is about to drop the hammer…
We're sorry for our diverse community in that more Bosnians—over 60,000—call St. Louis home than anywhere outside of Bosnia.
OH MY FUCKING GOD. That's amazing. Hey guys, look at how diverse our white people are! Sure, we may tear gas our blacks into oblivion … but how about these Bosnians?! You don't see New Orleans rocking as many Bosnians. No tarhana soup for those poor jobless fuckers! You should see Bosnians roll up a battery by hand. They have a gift.
We're sorry for Forest Park, our beautiful 1,300-acre urban park comprises an award-winning zoo, science center, art and history museums, golf courses, ice rink and green space.
Oh, you have a park? Guess which other city has a park: ALL OF THEM. No lie. They all have parks, and zoos, and museums, and fucking golf courses. We're sorry for our buildings, guys.
We're sorry for not only being home to 18 Fortune 1000 companies…
You only have 18 of them? JESUS. You couldn't even cook up tax break to bring in a few more? Guys, we're so sorry we're an economic powerhouse that has a piddly shit 1.8% of the Fortune 1000. Better luck next time, New York!
… but for developing one of the most promising and fastest-growing ecosystems for startups and entrepreneurs, delivering innovations that are being used by businesses and consumers world-wide. You know, like that pesky social-media platform Twitter (St. Louisan Jack Dorsey) …
(Twitter is not based in St. Louis.)
… or credit-card processing device Square (St. Louisan Jim McKelvey).
(Square is also not based in St. Louis.)
We're sorry that at the 1904 World's Fair in St. Louis …
… Richard Blechynden served tea with ice, thus inventing iced tea (although not the rapper/actor Ice-T).
Oh well, consider my ass served. ICED TEA WAS THE ORIGINAL STARTUP. Please note that there is no patent for iced tea. You owe nothing to St. Louis when you buy a Snapple (which is not made in St. Louis). I'm glad Slay is here to basically list out all the facts from the St. Louis Wikipedia page. He really did his homework.
The point is that we here in the Midwest are not a boastful people.
YOU JUST SPENT THE WHOLE GODDAMN ARTICLE BOASTING, YOU RED PENIS. You probably invented boasting at the 1904 World's Fair.
We're humble and quietly go about our business …
… inventing the things you use every day …
And then selling those things from a corporate base in San Francisco.
… entertaining you …
By letting Jon Hamm leave your dump of a town.
…finding employment for your citizens…
What citizens of ours? You just said you had all the jobs and we were losing ours because you're a dick.
… and handing you losses on the baseball field regularly.
(We're especially sorry to Chicago.)
INFINITELY BETTER CITY.
Don't hate us because we're beautiful here in St. Louis.
But if you do, just know that we're sorry.
No you aren't. You are all dicks and you do a shit job of hiding it.
I hope you get swept.
Photo via Getty