Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
-SI launching Swimsuit Issue iPhone app. Hey, it'll cut down on the rustling of magazine pages when you have to rub one out in the bathroom stall at work.
-Jays GM says he's unlikely to trade Roy Halladay, after being unimpressed with offers. Translation: teams have been offering the moon for him. Now let's see if we can bluff them into offering more.
-The commish plans to give Michael Vick a "conditional reinstatement," which means if a team wants him, and he doesn't kill anything, he'll be back for opening day.
-It took this long? After his team loses on an unreviewable blown call, Ron Gardenhire calls for an NFL-like system of challenge flags in baseball. In related news, average game time still hovering around 3 hours.
-Kimo Leopoldo: Not dead! Though life's probably not going so well when you have to hold a press conference announcing that.
-For all the babies he ate and puppies he kicked, Jim Rice saved this guy's life.
-Figures that Hedo Turkoglu is a marketing dream in Turkey, but nothing will prepare you for his Roald Dahlian nightmare of a world that they call a cell phone commercial.
-With Tim Wakefield on the DL, Clay Buchholz is back up. Smoltz and Penny should probably just fight to the death, because one of them's gone when Wakefield's back.