Country X is planning to attack country Y, and country Y is anticipating the attack. Country X can either attack by land or by sea. Country Y can either prepare for a land defense or a sea defense. If X launches an attack by sea and Y prepares a defense by sea the probability of a successf— BAH! I'm horrible with this shit. Thankfully, today's playoff picture is pretty straightforward.

We'll start in the AFC. Here's what we know: the Pats and Colts have the two first-round byes, the Chargers are the West champs, the Steelers are the North champs, and the Jags have one of the wild-card spots and the No. 5 seed. So who gets that final spot? Well, Tennessee or Cleveland. If the Titans can beat Indy's B-team tonight, they're in. If they lose, then the Browns walk in the back door with their boots on, regardless of their outcome this afternoon. Easy peezie, lemon squeezy.

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As for the NFC, it's pretty easy, too. Again, here's what we know: Dallas and Green Bay have the first-round byes, Seattle is the third seed, Tampa Bay is the fourth, and the N.Y. Giants are No. 5 in your playoff brackets; and number one in your hearts. That leaves us with Washington, Minnesota and New Orleans. Of the bunch, it's the Redskins who are in control. If they can defeat a less-than-motivated Cowboys team today, they're in, no questions asked. On the other foot, if the Skins lose — and the Vikings beat the Broncos — then the Purple guys get to dance. Finally, the Saints have to beat the Bears AND pray that the Skins and Vikings both lose.

*Deep breath*

OK, I need a nap. But I hope that clears everything up. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm missing some weird technicality or tie-breaker or something, but meh — let's go watch some meaningless football!