The NFL Playoff Picture Explained

Country X is planning to attack country Y, and country Y is anticipating the attack. Country X can either attack by land or by sea. Country Y can either prepare for a land defense or a sea defense. If X launches an attack by sea and Y prepares a defense by sea the probability of a successf— BAH! I'm horrible with this shit. Thankfully, today's playoff picture is pretty straightforward.

We'll start in the AFC. Here's what we know: the Pats and Colts have the two first-round byes, the Chargers are the West champs, the Steelers are the North champs, and the Jags have one of the wild-card spots and the No. 5 seed. So who gets that final spot? Well, Tennessee or Cleveland. If the Titans can beat Indy's B-team tonight, they're in. If they lose, then the Browns walk in the back door with their boots on, regardless of their outcome this afternoon. Easy peezie, lemon squeezy.

As for the NFC, it's pretty easy, too. Again, here's what we know: Dallas and Green Bay have the first-round byes, Seattle is the third seed, Tampa Bay is the fourth, and the N.Y. Giants are No. 5 in your playoff brackets; and number one in your hearts. That leaves us with Washington, Minnesota and New Orleans. Of the bunch, it's the Redskins who are in control. If they can defeat a less-than-motivated Cowboys team today, they're in, no questions asked. On the other foot, if the Skins lose — and the Vikings beat the Broncos — then the Purple guys get to dance. Finally, the Saints have to beat the Bears AND pray that the Skins and Vikings both lose.

*Deep breath*

OK, I need a nap. But I hope that clears everything up. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm missing some weird technicality or tie-breaker or something, but meh — let's go watch some meaningless football!