Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

-The ESPY Awards went down last night. LeBron topped Kobe, Phelps topped everyone, and Samuel L. Jackson collected another easy paycheck.


-Yao Ming becomes sole owner of the Shanghai Sharks. Houston collectively craps its pants over the prospect of him making post-playing career plans.

-The world's longest golf course, stretching 850 miles across the Australian Outback, will open in October. John Daly has already promised to reach the green in two.

-Because no one told the feds that we're all kind of over this whole steroids thing, they subpoena the owner of Roger Clemens's gym.


-Islanders ink first overall pick John Tavares to a 3-year contract. To bad by the time the Nassau Coliseum lease expires in 2015, he'll have skipped town in 2012.

-Dana White says Shaq wants to fight Brock Lesnar. That would never happen. It's not like MMA is some kind of freak show or anything.

-Amazingly SFW video of the world's strongest vagina in action. It's like a Bond villain come to life.