The Worst Haircuts Of The World Cup, According To Me

The World Cup only comes around every four years. In that time, soccer fans wait in agony, sustained by the belief that their team will make it to the world stage, and then win big against its foes. That is the story of sports, but this is a story of hair. Or is it? Maybe it’s actually a story about decisions—bad ones, decisions that lead to really good soccer players looking really bad on the field, embarrassing everyone who roots for them by sporting frosted tips in the year 2018. Here are the many, many bad hairstyles that I have observed at the World Cup this year (so far).

First up, Dries Mertens from Belgium:

I’m really not sure what the deal is with the renaissance that frosted tips is enjoying at this World Cup, but I personally am not a huge fan. If Merten’s hair were half a shade lighter, he would look indistinguishable from an N*SYNC member in 1999. Orange, in general: not a good look.

Let’s move on. Oh wait, we can’t—there’s more.

It turns out blond can also be a not-great look, especially if along with bleaching your hair, you’ve pledged to never brush it again. Neymar was like, the hottest dude at the last World Cup, and one reason that many looked forward to this year’s. How can he steal hearts now, when he looks like a cockatoo?

Here we’ve got another one—another bad haircut—from Valon Behrami of Switzerland.

Hey, you. That’s a warning!

Keisuke Honda’s haircut doesn’t look so bad here, but it’s really short on the other side.

Here, let me show you. Two out of five stars:

Let’s check in on Germany.

Whoa boy. Mesut Özil’s haircut, not looking so good:

Perhaps we should retire the undercut, if no one can get the proportions right. Marco Reus, come on:

This is actually a different guy—this is Toni Kroos—but their haircuts are identical. Kroos went short on the sides, and then said, let’s go short on most of the top, too!

Jerome Boateng’s got the face of a man who knows he’s got a bad haircut:

Not a good haircut. What’s with the hairband, Croatia’s Luka Modric?

Watch out, Panama’s Anibal Godoy: Bad haircut incoming!

Ohhh, that’s gotta hurt. By that, I mean, Belgium’s Axel Witsel’s haircut has got to hurt the ones who love him.

Looking at this photo of Hector Herrera of Mexico, I can almost hear him going, “AHHHH!” which is exactly how I would sound if I had that haircut.

This guy—Mohamed Salah, the Egyptian national who also plays for Liverpool—is like, hey! I know! I’m working on it! My haircut.

Taking a selfie, Tunisia’s Saif-Eddine Khaoui? Might wanna get a haircut, too.

This other Tunisia player seem to be clapping, but I’d applaud if he got a different haircut.

As Ferjani Sassi, also of Tunisia, makes a heart after his team against England, his buddy comes in sideways for an embrace. If he were really his friend, though, he might recommend a different haircut—but the possibility of that seems unlikely given his own commitment to the severe hard part.

Thanks for playing, guys. Better luck next time—at the next World Cup, in four years.

If you see something (like a bad haircut at the World Cup), say something (to me, at the email address below).