Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

An unfortunate reality of being a sports fan is watching strangers in whom you have an emotional investment for some reason get pummeled, concussed, have their knees blown out, and have their appendages bend in ways that make you scream. Remember Teddy Bridgewater? He somehow shredded his knee so badly that his teammates were puking on the practice field.

Fortunately, not all sports injuries are so grave. Every year there are handful of doofuses who wind up missing games over something that makes you think, dude, seriously? 


Here are this year’s wackiest sports injuries. It’s OK to laugh.

Photo via AP

Brewers Pitcher Will Smith Tore His Knee While Trying To Take Off His Shoes

Pitcher Will Smith, whose Twitter handle @White_Willy13 is either clever or curious (I can’t decide), missed the first two months of the MLB season after messing up his knee while trying to yank a shoe off his foot during spring training. Baseball always seems to be a magnet for the most dumbass injuries you can imagine, so thanks to White Willy for adding to the canon.

Photo credit: Mark Zaleski/AP Images

Vikings Backup QB Out Three Months After Reportedly Trying To Kick His Friend’s Locked Door In 

Let’s just quote from the original blog on this one:

Two weeks ago, Heinicke was returning home to his friend’s house near Atlanta after seeing The Conjuring 2 (his review: “Pretty good”), only to find that he was locked out. So his solution was to try and budge the door open with his foot. Instead, his foot slipped and went through his window.

Photo: AP

Braves’ Erick Aybar Taken To Doctor After Swallowing Chicken Bone

We wouldn’t have included this one if Aybar were seriously harmed, as swallowing a chicken bone can be really, really harmful. Honestly, with this one Aybar should have become a cult hero for those of us who can’t pace ourselves at lunchtime.


MASN via @FlyByKnite

Hunter Pence Fouls Ball Off His Own Eye, Finishes The At-Bat

Hunter Pence is just out of his damn mind all the time, and this just adds to his reputation. While watching this one, my primary thought was just why? why? why?

Why does he look so crazy during every single at-bat? Why did the baseball hit him hard enough to leave imprints from the fucking seams around his eye? Why did he finish the goddamn at-bat? Why??


Laremy Tunsil Hurt Himself Getting Out Of The Shower

Laremy Tunsil had a truly unenviable start to his NFL career after getting hacked on draft night by someone who posted a video of Tunsil apparently smoking week. For most college players, this is probably their nightmare.

A more common nightmare, however, is slipping upon getting out of the shower. That’s exactly what happened to Tunsil, who missed the Dolphins’ Week 5 game against the Titans after hurting his ankle.



Juan Uribe Carted Off After Taking A Ground Ball To His Testicles

This blog often functions as a dick joke blog that sometimes covers sports, but this hit to the balls was particularly bad. Beloved personality guy Juan Uribe found a way to turn his, um, lemons into lemonade though, by making it known to the general public that he thinks his dick is too big for a cup.


Photo credit: Steven Senne/AP Images

Tom Brady Reportedly Sliced His Thumb Open Trying To Clean His Cleats

Tom Brady, who was the biggest narrative of the preseason (and last like, two years) thanks to Deflategate, managed to make headlines by puncturing yet another tool essential to the game of football: his frickin’ thumb.

Our man Tommy used scissors to try to get something out of the bottom of his cleat, and wound up slicing his thumb. Maybe he would have missed some early season games—who knows—but he was already suspended for those so we’ll never know.


Coach Pulls Hammy Trying To Run Away From Celebratory Beer Shower

Leipzig manager Ralf Rangnick appeared to be enjoying his sprint away from his hooligan players after a win until he dropped to the ground and held his leg in agony. Fortunately, his apparent injury didn’t distract his players from their ultimate goal.


Trevor Bauer Exits Game 3 After His Finger Liquefies On The Mound

Starting pitcher Trevor Bauer had an ALCS start pushed back after he tore up his pinky something nasty while trying to fix a drone. While your team is in the middle of a playoff run seems like an obviously inappropriate time to mix your hand up in some little gadget, but not to Trevor Bauer, apparently.

The Indians decided to send him out to start Game 3, and his finger truly dripped all over the mound, much to the horror of, oh, everyone watching; his teammates; the Toronto Blue Jays.

Bauer was pulled in the first inning because that shit was nasty as hell.


Blake Griffin Broke His Hand After Striking A Member Of The Equipment Staff Multiple Times

Blake Griffin is an oafish dunce who plays basketball good, all of which was further confirmed after he fractured his hand punching a friend and member of the team equipment staff outside a restaurant in late January. Griffin had been set to return from a quadriceps injury that had kept him off the court for a month around the same time he punched his pal.


All in all, Griffin was out from December 26 to April 3, missing 45 games due to the two injuries and a brief suspension. I’m sure the Clippers appreciated the situation Griffin’s lack of impulse control put them in.

Staff writer at Deadspin.

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