Screenshot: @tigers

It was 54 degrees and cloudy in Detroit when the Marlins and the Tigers wrapped up their series opener at 10:39 p.m on Tuesday. In a contest between the two teams with the lowest position player WAR in all of MLB, the Marlins won 5-4 in eleven innings, which is a baseball-watching experience in 2019 that I would not wish on my own worst enemy.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t just a few thousand diehards sticking it out through the dregs of these two teams’ bad-faith “rebuilding projects.” It was also Bark at the Park night in Detroit, which means these poor, adorable pups had to sit and endure the tedious, pointless baseball game as well.

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It’s tragic, really, to see all this beautiful canine joy wasted on such a bad team. But on the bright side, the melancholy I feel when I see the old English D this year can be dramatically offset when it’s sported by the right dog. In fact, I admire the marketing strategy—it’s hard to feel confronted by the cold, hard realities of a pathetic losing franchise when, OMG, puppies! So here are some facts about the Tigers, and let’s see how much the dogs can help. All stats are via Fangraphs, and come from before this night’s loss.

The Tigers have hit 36 home runs this year, worst in the American League.

Screenshot: @tigers

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Gordon Beckham, the 32-year-old castoff who’s barely been able to stay in the Majors and hasn’t played 100 games in a season since 2015, is the Tigers’ second-best hitter by OPS and wRC+.

Screenshot: @tigers

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The Tigers have struck out on 26.2 percent of their plate appearances, most in the AL.

Screenshot: @tigers

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It appears increasingly likely that Miguel Cabrera will not get to 500 dingers, even though he’s at 466 right now.

Screenshot: @tigers

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Feel any better? Man, I sure don’t.