This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

-Cardinals revoke newspaper's credential after they publish the home address of a number of players, including a furious Albert Pujols. Perhaps unsurprisingly, none of them actually live in St. Louis.

-The Yankees thought they signed 16-year-old Damian Arredondo. Turns out he's not 16. Also, he's not Damian Arredondo.

-Of the 75 players in the Lake Tahoe Celebrity Golf Championship, Charles Barkley is the 75th favorite, at 499-to-1 odds. Chuck immediately put down 50 Gs on himself.

- Brian Ching tweets about ref's blown call, gets fined $500 by MLS. They're not messing around; that's like 10% of his annual salary.

- Graham Harrell takes his gunslingin' to the Saskatchewan Roughriders, not to be confused with the Ottawa Rough Riders. Also not to be confused with professional football.

-Delusional (or self-promotional) poker player buys Barack Obama a $10,000 seat at the WSOP. Will the President take him up on his offer? No. No, he won't.

-U.S. Ski Team member Cody Marshall critically injured after falling off an escalator, though doctors are optimistic. I thought this terror ended when they knocked down Shea Stadium.