Tim Tebow Gets Tebown'd, Blaine Gabbert Has A Filthy Mouth and More: Your Sunday NFL Roundup

Well, the early slate of games wound up providing a lot more drama than we all anticipated, didn't it? Plus, there were also games on after that! We've got your recap of everything. Let's get to it.


Houston 24, Jacksonville 14: Blaine Gabbert was 10-30 for 97 yards. That is downright McNabbian. Not surprisingly, Houston was able to handle the Jaguars thanks to 112 yards and a touchdown from Arian Foster. Maurice Jones-Drew made things "interesting" with a touchdown run late in the fourth, but the Texans bled the clock on the ensuing possession, setting up a Neil Rackers 39 yard field goal.

Baltimore 30, Arizona 27: This was one of many early head-scratchers. Arizona jumped all over the Ravens as the offense remained lost. Then everyone remembered who they were and Baltimore rallied from a three touchdown deficit—the biggest comeback in franchise history. Ray Rice tallied three touchdowns and Billy Cundiff hit the game winning field goal as time expired.

St. Louis 31, New Orleans 21: This was the crazy one. Steven Jackson had two touchdowns in his first 100+ yard performance in three seasons. He ended up with 159 yards on 25 carries, almost exceeding his quarterback's passing yardage total. AJ Feeley threw for only 175 yards but he can at least tell his grand kids "I out-dueled Drew Brees once" and technically not be a liar. Probably won't stop their "cuckoo" noises and hand motions, though.

NY Giants 20, Miami 17: Eli threw for over 300 yards and two touchdowns as the Giants came back to beat the hapless Miami Dolphins. After the game, Tony Sparano, presumably in reference to his own team, said "that group in there has a lot of guts and a lot of courage." Yet no glory.

Minnesota 24, Carolina 21: This Cam Newton guy is pretty good, huh? They just keep losing, unfortunately. Adrian Peterson racked up 162 total yards and two touchdowns as Christian Ponder got his first win as an NFL quarterback. He may want to send over a nice wristwatch or something to Olindo Mare, who missed a 31 yard field goal to tie the game with 26 seconds. I'm just glad I got an opportunity to mention Olindo Mare, because I pronounce his name Oooolindo Marayyyy!. Both teams are now 2-6.

Tennessee 27, Indianapolis 10: Curtis Painter was sacked and intercepted twice by the Titans. Rob Bironas hit two field goals of at least 50 yards or more. The rest is history. My favorite quote from the recaps: "Already without Peyton Manning, who signed autographs in the end zone during warmups, the Colts trailed 20-0 by halftime coming off a 62-7 loss to the New Orleans Saints."


Mark Schlereth Reads An AP Style Game Recap: Steven. Jackson. Scored TWO. Touch. Downs. And had his FIRST. 100-yard. Rushing. Game. In three seasons. As the St. Louis. Rams. UPset. The New. Orleans. Saints. 31-21. For their FIRST. WIN [shoulda said victory!] on Sunday.

Illustration for article titled Tim Tebow Gets Tebown'd, Blaine Gabbert Has A Filthy Mouth and More: Your Sunday NFL Roundup

The win [dammit] for the Rams (1-6). Came Two. Days after the St. Louis Cardinals. Won. The World. Series. Of MAJOR. LEAGUE. BASEBALL. With manager Tony. La Russa. And several of his players showing [uh oh, here we go.] up. [keep calm, Stink-man.] To support. [argghghh] The. City's [mphmmph] football—NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE—team.

[Wipes brow.]

Drew. Brees. Kept. Alive. His TOUCH.DOWN. Pass. Streak. In the final. Seconds. A week after throwing five TDs. In a 62-7 ROUT. Of the Indianapolis. Colts. Brees was In.Ter.Cepted twice, with Darian. Stewart's pick and 27-yard return putting. The game. Away with 2:51 to go.


The [Oh god, what is that tingling?] NFC [phew, false alarm] South-leading Saints (5-3). Average an NFL-best 35—NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE—points. [loosens tie] But never. Got. Going against a defense ranked near the bottom. of. The—NA.SHUN.UL. FOOT.BALL. LEAGUE—league. The Rams had a season-high. Six. Sacks after entering the game. With just 11. Three by Chris. Long.
[Passes out]

Buffalo 23, Washington 0: The Bills had nine sacks in this game. Fred Jackson had 194 total yards and Ryan Fitzpatrick had two touchdowns, both to Scott Chandler. Most importantly, they got that winless-at-home-while-on-the-road-in-Toronto monkey off their back.


Detroit 45, Denver 10: Headlines everywhere tomorrow: "Lions Thoroughly Dismantle Inferior Opponent." Nah, just kidding. Tebow sucked. Balls. 117 yards passing at 2.5 yards a clip-balls.

Pittsburgh 25, New England 17: The Pats scored a touchdown late to bring the game within six and then—gasp!—failed to execute an on-side kick, effectively ending the game. Stock Bill Belichick/Tom Brady press conference quotes to come: "We got a lot of work to do. We gotta clean it up. We'll look at the film and learn and move on. I am a robot." Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger threw for over 360 yards, or put another way, for more than 100 yards than the Patriots offense had in total.


San Francisco 20, Cleveland 10: For the fourth straight game, Frank Gore ran for 125 yards and a touchdown. Amazingly, Frank Gore passed Roger Craig on the all-time franchise rushing list and now ranks second with 7,089 yards.

Cincinnati 34, Seattle 12: Marvin Lewis is now the winningest coach in Bengals history. He has 65 wins as Bengals head coach. Andy Dalton continues to lead the Bengals' "Carson who?" campaign, throwing for two touchdowns—one to rookie A.J. Green. Tarvaris Jackson got the start in this one and threw for over 300 yards, but no touchdowns. Cincinnati is 5-2.


Your I'm A Psychic And Already Know The Exciting Philadelphia Eagles Play Of The Day: