Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Brawl at Concert 2012." Tonight's commentator: Rodney Anonymous, frontman of The Dead Milkman and semi-regular TNF review artist.
"Dad, who's Kenny Chesney?"
It's a question a child might ask, but it's not a childish question. According to infallible source Wikipedia, Kenny Chesney is a Country Western sing with 14 gold albums under his belt – which we can safely assume is a adorned with an tasteful buckle depicting the "Rebel" flag above the words "No Fat Chicks".
Now that we know who or what Kenny Chesney is, we may thoroughly enjoy the Budweiser-fueled fisticuffs without being distracted by the nagging question of why there are no Monster Trucks present. OK, let's get ready to tumble!
While it's difficult to decipher the soundtrack, it would appear that Shades-Guy is insisting that President Obama was born in Kenya, while Visiting-Professor-of-Applied-Economics-in-a-Stupid-Hat demands that Shades-Guy retract the word "President" because there's only one true President, and that's Charlie Daniels – Yee haw!
At this point, the crowd begins to chant either "Asshole" of "Vidal": in honor of the late Gore Vidal, in whose memory this memorial concert was being performed. This is then followed by roughly 20 seconds of the dullest Redneck negations since Michele Bachmann asked the banjo-playing kid from Deliverance to help her form a Domestic Policy. Things don't really begin to heat up until Visiting-Professor almost exposes Shades-Guy's secret identity to the world by lifting his cheap sunglasses (This might, in actuality, be a Hillybilly mating ritual. The jury of Cultural Anthropologists is still out. ). Fortunately for Shades-Guy, the pointy nature his skull prevents the glasses from clearing his head.
As what can only be described as "The soundtrack to incest" plays in the background, we make it three quarters of the way through the video witnessing only implied violence, and most of that geared towards Kenny Chesney by us . Then, suddenly, as if someone shouted "Hey, it's dem Communist Dixie Chicks!" all Hell breaks loose and we are treated to a close-up of a shirt that was clearly cut out of a table cloth.
While charges were never filed, the participants in this brawl, having been filmed interrupting a Kenny Chesney concert, have been banned from Wal-Mart for thirty days.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• We can't speak for Ass Dan, since he's dead and all, but if he were to be Ouija'd, chances are, he'd love seeing people fight for free merchandise at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Side note: a Randall Cunningham jersey? Respeck. (Start of Violence, 0:20) Bonus, Unrelated Coverage: ICP Seminar; WOLFPAC.
• Pregnant crack-cocaine use seems to be at the heart of this street confrontation. Pregnant crack-cocaine use is a legitimate worry. (SoV, 0:26)
• Introducing Matt Fors. He has a challenge for all the ladies out there. (SoV, none ... yet)
• A Very Special "Get On Your Knees, Cracker," Entirely NAudiblySFW Battle From The Streets Of Philadelphia:
• And now, a Twofer Tuesday from TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Realtors In Beijing Stage Massive, Possibly Turf-Related Brawl" (SoV, instantly). "What Starts As A Tour Guide Beating Turns Into Full-On Brawl" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: "Get out of our Diaoyu Islands!!!"
• Frommer's Poland Travel Guide Tip No. Jeden: Noś swój aparat w każdym czasie w przypadku walka uliczna wybucha. (SoV, instantly).
• "¡Pelea callejera de dos hombres peliando por una menor!" (eIdvV, 0:10)
• "Who Is The Queen Of The Herald Square Burger King?" Interlude:
• Low center of gravity, FT(moral)W. (SoV, 0:12)
• The whole horrible-camerawork angle of "French Street Fight Sucker Punch" video kind of dissipates like the French Street Fight Sucker Punchee's ability to remain on his feet. (SoV, 0:03)
• Get the sense that this street-brawl cinematographer wants to secure an airing of his footage from outside Miami Beach's Mansion Nightclub on the preeminent web purveyor of such footage. (SoV, instantly)
• East Modesto. REPRESENT! (SoV, 0:14)
• Your How Not To Lose A Bra During A Street Fight (With Kinda Racist Inset Graphic) One To Grow On:
• This is kind of nasty in a head-bouncing-off-concrete kind of way. (SoV, 0:04)
• This one's for mall cops everywhere! (SoV, instantly)
• Another day, another group of people let pre-K bros brawl. (SoV, instantly)
• Another day, more girls gone wild. (SoV, 0:08)
• Others: "Skinny black man vs bigger white dude." "Skilled Fighter Knocks Young Thug Down In 10 Seconds." "TONGAN STREET FIGHT (action at 1:50)." "Fight on the Big Island." "Ya Boosie Boo." "albert street road rage." "Girls and Violence - The Shire's stars involved in a fight." "Road Rage Fight Night Club in NYC." "Pelea Callejera." "What to Do After a Car Accident? just FIGHT!!!" "Denny's Fight Youngstown Ohio 8/18/12." "Knocked out and Stomped on!"
• Your West Palm Beach Stripper Fight Over Facebook Smack Talk Coda: