The internet wins again. In this round of “Things you never knew you needed,” we have a notable sports agent, a snorkel, an NFL star, a boat, the Atlantic Ocean, and a half-dead Dusky shark. If you can get past the animal cruelty — and Drew Rosenhaus tweeted the clip hoping you would — it’s kind of funny.
In the 30-second video, Rosenhaus tells the boat to “take a picture,” and later someone on board asks Tyreek Hill if he’d like to jump in, but the Miami Dolphins replies “Hell nah” as he prefers his (alleged) physical altercations of the humankind.
Who knows where these PETA violators found the dazed beast, or whether they clubbed mini Meg themselves, but it feels like Rosenhaus fully vetted the situation before engaging as if the animal was a prospect with a dicey physical. You know those stories that go viral where a group of people pass around a baby dolphin for selfies until it dies because it’s out of the water, and wonder what kind of sociopaths would do that sort of thing, of course, it’s an agent.
And even less shocking it’s the agent who refers to himself as a “shark that never sleeps.”
My initial criticism (of many) was Rosenhaus’ feat was neither daring nor brave. The stunt was akin to fighting a toothless alligator, or slaying Puff the Magic Dragon. Marine biologist Dr. Chris Lowe told USA Today that if the creature was healthy, the close encounter likely would’ve ended with the fake shark getting bit by the real shark.
“The fact that that shark just kind of slowly ambled towards the boat. Kind of banged into the boat, kind of rolled upside down,” Lowe said. “Those are the behaviors we see from a shark that’s either been caught and exhausted from the fight and then released, and they’re kind of groggy. …
“When you grab a shark by the tail that way, they can literally do a circle, come back around, and that’s how most fishermen are bit.”
Hopefully, the Dusky shark is alright. We know Rosenhaus is physically OK — anyone’s guess as to his mental stability — but I couldn’t give a shit about either. The sleaziest of agents looked at the behavior, and were off put. It’s Sid Phillips level of torment, only if you replace inanimate toys with a barely cognizant and visibly helpless animal.
Wait, should this go in the “Internet wins” bin? I mean I laughed because of the absurdity of the whole ordeal, but it was more of a “Look at this fucking idiot” thing than the slapstick aesthetic. However, that was pretty good, too. Jesus, I’m a horrible person.