Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• The Old World got its decorative bedpan back, winning the Ryder Cup by a point. Rory McIlroy — who a year ago called the Ryder "an exhibition" and was promptly scolded for not properly honoring "one of the oldest and more significant titles in the game" — celebrated with his teammates by doing Jägerbombs out of the cup.
• The Twins' Justin Morneau won't return for the playoffs.
• The Patriots played about a quarter of football and still blew the Dolphins out of Miami Gardens. Just a warning: In the game's waning moments, Tom Brady did some manful exulting for the NFL Films cameras, a sort of white guy's Haka that I believe we will see approximately 5,817 times before the week's out.
• Dr. Lovie Smith diagnoses the concussed Jay Cutler: "He seems like he's OK."
• The always-WADA-friendly crime dogs at The New York Times really want you to care that Alberto Contador flunked another drug test. Tour riders have now been doping for more than a century; at this stage, the surprise would be if a cyclist's piss didn't glow like the suitcase in Kiss Me Deadly.
• Pro Basketball Prospectus, now available for purchase.
The above photo was taken Sept. 12 by the Orlando Sentinel's Joshua C. Cruey. Apologies for the old picture, but c'mon. H/T Josh L.
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Good morning. It's Tuesday.