Waiting on those Eagles sausages and the Carson Wentz trade … so let’s figure out where he should go

Waiting on those Eagles sausages and the Carson Wentz trade … so let’s figure out where he should go

Bet he’d like to know too, already.
Bet he’d like to know too, already.
Image: Getty Images

Have you ever seen the movie “Snatch”? No, really. The 2000 Guy Ritchie crime/comedy movie starred Benecio Del Toro, Brad Pitt, Jason Statham, Dennis Farina, Vinnie Jones, and a slew of other notable faces.

If so, or even if not (just go with it), at one point, Statham’s character (Turkish) turns to Charlie, who is working on the grill and asks, “What’s happening with those sausages, Charlie?” Charlie responds, “Two minutes, Turkish.” A few minutes pass. Turkish again asks “What’s happening with those sausages, Charlie?” Charlie responds, “five minutes, Turkish.” Turkish looks confused. He answers “it was ‘two minutes’ five minutes ago.”

OK, stay with me now: Sausage Charlie is the Eagles general manager Howie Roseman, Turkish is all of us, and the sausages are Carson Wentz.

The Carson Wentz saga has been brewing for months, ever since rookie Jalen Hurts was handed the keys to the quarterback car with his first career start on Dec. 13 against New Orleans. He started the remainder of the season. We’ve all known the Eagles would be wise to move on from Carson Wentz and his insanely bloated contract (he’s a $59.2 million dead cap hit in 2021), but finding a suitor didn’t always seem to be possible. Now, we’ve heard for the better part of a week that things are ramping up, and that trade talks are ongoing. It’s now being reported that the sausages – I mean, Wentz – will be ready – I mean, traded – in 2 minutes – I mean, in the coming days.

If the Eagles can get out of their own way and stop asking for multiple first round picks, they might just pull this off. And by “pull this off,” I mean throw a little bit of water out of the already-sinking ship. So, let’s speculate, shall we? Who would be the most ideal trade partners to give Carson Wentz a fresh start?

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1. Indianapolis Colts

1. Indianapolis Colts

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The Colts are my favorite spot for Wentz, and it makes too much sense. Frank Reich is the Colts’ head coach, and was the offensive coordinator for Wentz during his MVP-caliber 2017 season during his rookie season. They have plenty of cap room, a glaring need at quarterback, a solid offensive line, a great run game (Jonathan Taylor is bae), and a very solid defense. It’s the perfect environment for Wentz to regain his form. If the Colts think Wentz still has the top-tier upside that he showed early in his career, they could be a good suitor.

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2.Chicago Bears (apparently)

2.Chicago Bears (apparently)

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I hate this so much, but apparently the Bears might be involved in this mess. I can’t find any credible source indicating specifically that the two sides have talked, so maybe it’s just speculation, but if there’s any pair of general managers that would get together and do something idiotic, it would be Howie Roseman and Ryan Pace. Both teams are currently in quarterback hell with no way out, and both teams are unrealistic in their valuations. It’s stupidly perfect. Personally, the theater of Wentz having to be on the same team as Nick Foles again would be entertaining as hell, and I kinda hope this dumpster fire scenario happens.

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3. Carolina Panthers

3. Carolina Panthers

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This one actually makes sense for “football reasons.” The Panthers were involved heavily in the Matthew Stafford sweepstakes, including sending an offer that packaged the 2021 8th overall pick with a late round pick as well. They clearly are in the market for a quarterback upgrade over their current starter Teddy Bridgewater, who has one year left on the deal they signed him to before the 2020 season. This all depends on if the Panthers think Wentz is a notable upgrade, but objectively, he does have better arm talent than Bridgewater. It all comes down to what these teams see in terms of long term value in Carson Wentz, but if they like him, he could fill their need for a quarterback.

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4. San Francisco 49ers

4. San Francisco 49ers

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The Niners seem to be looking for a quarterback upgrade over Jimmy Garappolo, who is only a $2.8 mil dead cap hit to their roster if they cut him this offseason. With a team that made it to the Super Bowl in 2019, only to have a season derailed by injuries in 2020, they will be looking to be competitive again in 2021. They have George Kittle, one of the best tight ends in the game, and Wentz has thrived in the past in an offense that featured the tight end position. Both Zach Ertz and Dallas Goedert were heavily targeted in the Eagles offense. Give him an offensive-minded genius of a coach in Kyle Shanahan, and I think Wentz could thrive in the Bay area.

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5. New England Patriots

5. New England Patriots

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The Evil Empire still looms large, and Bill Belichick has a clear and urgent need at the quarterback position. The Cam Newton experiment seems to have run its course (even though I think COVID played a huge role in his late-season struggles, but I digress), and Belichick is the kind of mastermind that seemingly can get deals done below the market cost. I don’t know what evil Jedi mind tricks he uses, but if he can get Wentz, and potentially even convince Phlly to eat some of the salary, he might be able to revitalize Wentz’s career in Foxborough.

Honestly, Eagles, if you have someone willing to eat his salary, trade him somewhere – anywhere – and let’s move on.

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