We asked you on Monday, after a particularly objectionable item ran in the New York Post, to write the dumbest story ever about Derek Jeter. You did not let us down.
Commenter Universal Enveloping Algebra had written this:
Jeter in Butt Land
the dumbest story about Derek Jeter
One day, Derek Jeter was walking around and farting in butt land. He farted so loud that like twenty people barfed, and it was super gross. Jeter laughed and said "OMG LOL noobs." Then he got his skateboard and ollied off this hot bitch's tits, and everyone clapped so hard they died.
And then he followed it up with this:
Jeter in Butt Land II: The Rebuttening
Our hero Derek Jeter looks at all the people his bodacious ollie killed. "Buncha noobs," he said, awesomely. "I'm not sorry. They were lucky to live even two seconds, or two weeks on the same planet as me." Jeter flipped the bird at a nearby cat and skateboarded off to Yankee Stadium, ollieing off countless titties on the way, and when he got to Yankee Stadium he hit like forty home runs with his hustle.
During the game against against the Boston Red Sux (lol), Jeter looked up and saw that the entire crowd was zombies. Furthermore, all the Red Sux were zombies too! Fart zombies. "Weaksauce," Jeter muttered heroically. "Guess I've gotta pwn these turds."
With that, Jeter unleashed the most hellacious beef ever. It burned a huge hole right through the ass of his pants and made the ground around him black with asssh (ass ash). It smelled like a thousand rotten eggs on top of a million rotting fish sitting out in a swimming pool full of the greasiest baby shit. Just as he would blast a pitcher's hot gas out of a stadium, he blasted hot gas out of his ass to save America.
At first, the zombies loved it. After all, we're dealing with fart zombies. "This is a good fart," said a zombie. "No, this is a great fart! The best fart ever!" said another zombie. "Oh no, guys! I think the fart is TOO good!" said a smart zombie.
It was true. The zombies were going crazy, killing each other so they could have more of the fart air for themselves. In the end, there was only one zombie left.
"My name is Zombie Boss," said Zombie Boss. "Your beef was so rank it made me hard as a fucken rock. Out of respect, I will grant you one wish... before I KILL YOU."
Jeter stared straight at the zombie. Was Jeter scared? Fuck no, you idiot. Jeter thought for one second and said, "Okay, Zombie Bust (lol). Here's my wish: That you get all my farts you want!" Jeter turned around, aimed his awesome fart cannon directly at Zombie Boss, and melted his whole fucking upper body with a white-hot assblast. The last thing Jeter saw was Zombie Boss's lips burning on the ground as they mouthed "Thank you."
"You're welcome," said Five Time World Series Champion Derek Jeter. Then he left Butt Land forever.
We do thank all the commenters for their submissions (this one, this one, and this one were our favorites) but nothing topped Universal Enveloping Algebra's two-parter. So, sir: email us to claim your prize.
Image by Jim Cooke.