Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
No time for tiddlywinks. We’re going right to the matchups…
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Packers at Vikings: In case you missed it last week, someone screamed out “MUSLIMS SUCK” during the moment of silence before last week’s Packers game, and that got Aaron Rodgers pretty pissed. I wonder if that threw him off all game long. I wonder if Rodgers was so distracted by the evils of the world that he couldn’t focus on beating the shittyass Lions. Social justice is his Achilles heel!
If that’s the case… well then I think I have the blueprint for stopping Rodgers FOREVER! All my team needs to do to is print out a bunch of Yahoo comments and give them to everyone attending Sunday’s game. Then Vikings fans can yell them at Rodgers when he’s on the sidelines and stuff: horrible shit like OBUMMER IS HITLER and PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS MATTER. Good luck reading the double-A gap blitz with all that on your mind, Aaron! THE DIVISION IS OURS.
By the way, my team is 7-2 and they play just two losing teams to round out the schedule, and even those matchups—against the resurgent Bears and the very angry Seahawks—are deeply unpleasant. So I’m gonna enjoy this moment, right now, when Minnesota is on a roll and looking good and enjoying a moment in the national spotlight and drawing the No. 1 announcing team. For reasons that escape me, it’s awesome when national press starts paying attention to my team, as if they aren’t a heartless zillion-dollar enterprise. No no, I have to act as if my six-year-old just got his soccer trophy displayed in a local Applebee’s. MY BOYS ARE FINALLY GETTING THEIR DUE. I’m gonna savor that moment right before it all goes completely to SHIT. I know what’s coming. This ain’t my first rodeo.
Bengals at Cardinals: I refuse to believe that Andy Dalton was legitimately offended by J.J. Watt’s breathtakingly gentle trash talk. If that really shook him, then it explains four years worth of playoff failure. Your average defender goes MUCH further when insulting and degrading you. Half of them have your street addressed memorized specifically so that, during gameplay, they can threaten to break into your house and murder your family. Andy Dalton needs thicker ginger skin.
By the way, I hope you’re as excited as I am for THE WIZ, LIVE! It’s just like the regular Wiz, only with mistakes! I wonder how they pitched this to the actors involved. “You see, everyone will ridicule you for three hours as you sweat to death on a remote soundstage, and your confidence will end up shattered for the next two decades. BUT YOU GET TO DANCE.” I bet you can sell an actor on anything so long as they get to extend their range.
Skins at Panthers: Ugh, the Skins are somehow the most functional team in their division right now. Look at how happy they are with their 4-5 record and their coach’s bouncing boobies. It’s sickening. What if they beat Carolina? These people will break open the trophy case and pull a Joe Lacob on all three of their rusting Lombardis if that happens. All the white Panther fans will demand to trade for Kirk Cousins on the spot. I’m gonna have to move. This is quickly growing intolerable.
Bills at Patriots: Really hoping “Odell caught the ball” usurps “Dez caught in the ball” in all of Adam Schefter’s Twitter replies. It’ll go nicely with “My wife left me” and “Bush did 9/11”.
By the way, take a look at the AFC standings and you will find the Patriots on top, followed by the Bengals (who are inevitably doing Bengal things already), the Broncos (who just saw their QB die on the field), the Steelers (Big Ben isdue to step in a bear trap and then fall down a well any day now), and a shitpile of seven teams all with four or five wins (Bills, Jets, Dolphins, Colts, Texans, Chiefs, Raiders). Two of those garbage teams will get into the postseason, and that will constitute your AFC playoff field. Jesus. I wish the CFB playoff committee could leave New England out based on schedule alone. PATS AIN’T PLAYED NOBODY! New England can get to the Super Bowl blindfolded, for shit’s sake. What if they end up playing the SKINS?! We’re gonna need a Mars colony.
Bucs at Eagles: It’s jewelry ad season. I had no idea until just now that Kay Jewelers and Zales and Jared were all owned by the same diamond buyer, but it makes perfect sense. BIG BLOOD DIAMOND has a stranglehold on every shitty mall outlet, which is how they can push a stupid “Ever Us” ring through all three retailers. “You see, one diamond is to signify your love, and the other your friendship!” You listen to me, you bastards: No one is falling for this. We already have one artificially manufactured diamond racket thanks to the advent of the engagement ring. No one shelled out $2,000 for that Jane Seymour butt ring, and they aren’t shelling out $2,000 more for this garbage, either. Your failure to grow the child-slave mining industry is my last, lingering scrap of faith in humanity. People are dumb, but not THAT dumb.
Broncos at Bears: FUN FACT: Brock Osweiler is roughly thirteen feet tall. If he can take over for Peyton and guide the Broncos to a Super Bowl victory, he’ll be the first giraffe quarterback in history to win a title. I’m pulling for him.
Cowboys at Dolphins: I think Jason Garrett desperately wants to get rid of Greg Hardy but Jerry Jones won’t let him because A) Romo is coming back this week and B) The Cowboys are somehow only two and half games back. Once Dallas gets mathematically eliminated, THEN Garrett might finally get his wish, provided Hardy hasn’t already set fire to the stadium or something. I just picture Jerry running around Jerryworld with a flask in his hand screaming, “ONCE MY BOY ROMO GETS BACK EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT YOU’LL SEE YEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!” (Fires guns in the air)
Colts at Falcons: It’s been two weeks but I’m still flabbergasted that Dan Quinn opted to kick a field goal down four with 2:56 to go against San Francisco. That’s a permanent coaching stain. That never washes off. If he’s still coaching this team five years from now and they’re in a two-minute drill, I’ll be like, “They’ll fuck this up. Remember when he kicked that one field goal?”
Rams at Ravens: Okay, now I’m convinced that the refs have secretly colluded to fuck over John Harbaugh at every opportunity. I approve. There should be more legitimate referee conspiracies. I would rather choose to believe that they’re evil geniuses hellbent on catering to their own biases than to believe they’re merely incompetent. Evil is more fun.
Raiders at Lions: I changed a scooter battery last week by cutting the wires and stripping them and then re-attaching them with special battery disconnects (I don’t know why they’re called disconnects when you use them to connect things). This was a 10-minute electrical job, but I celebrated as if I had just built the Empire State Building with my bare hands. You should have seen me exult when the thing turned on. I was like Ron Swanson on steroids. IT WORKS! MY GOD IT WORKS! I HAVE GIVEN THIS SCOOTER THE GIFT OF A SECOND LIFE! I have marked the Scooter Resurrection in my calendar, so that we might commemorate it with every passing year.
Chiefs at Chargers
Titans at Jaguars: Shouldn’t the victory formation be in shotgun? I know it seems more secure to take the snap from under center with the running backs acting as bodyguards next to the QB, but that always ends up being a testy scrum that Greg Schiano can bum rush. Plus, you have to kneel down right away to protect the QB, which means that the play clock and the game clock have to be perfectly aligned. If you snap it in shotgun, that gives the QB a few extra seconds to run around if you need him to. And there no defenders nearby to take a cheap shot or anything like that. Also, if there’s a bad snap, you have to room to locate the ball and dive on it before the defense gets there. When a QB fumbles from under center, the d-line pounces right away with brass knuckles and hidden knives and everything. I demand more shotgun victory formations.
Jets at Texans: Apparently, eight percent of all males suffer from the kind of color blindness that ruined last week’s Jets-Bills game. Eight percent is a LOT! That’s nearly three hundred million men! I had no idea. I’m shocked that stoplights work now. What if a colorblind guy comes to a stoplight that runs horizontal? Does he just use his gut? Where does put his foot during a game of Twister? This is terrifying.
By the way, those Christmassy Bills and Jets uniforms were designed by Nike as part of a series of designated COLOR RUSH games scheduled all season long. I want to meet the Nike marketing team that proposed this. I bet they thought it was REVOLUTIONARY. You can just see them in a conference room, all rocking Nike formalwear, telling the NFL, “We’re going to RUSH the game with COLOR. Our plan is to hack the spectrum and completely disrupt the ROYGBIV paradigm,” with NFL execs silently nodding in approval. Like, it’s just a shitty monochrome uniform. You didn’t invent the light bulb.
Niners at Seahawks: I was watching Fargo the other night in my basement and there was a scene where Rachel Keller was lying on a bed stark naked, and THAT is the exact moment when my oldest kid chose to sneak down into the room from bed (it was 9 p.m.) to see what I was watching. Now I’m worried the child is scarred for life, like when I snuck into the TV room when I was a kid and saw my folks watching Blue Thunder, and it was the scene where two helicopter pilots are staring at a lady’s boobs through a window (in the ‘80s, this was acceptable behavior for helicopter pilots). I TOTALLY remember that, three decades later! I feel awful. Children should have to discover Rachel Keller’s butt on their own.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Lydia,” by Highly Suspect, as submitted by reader Luke:
The girl in the video is a world class freediver so she can hold her breath for over 6 minutes, but forget about that if you want to get the full effect of freaking the fuck out while watching. It was shot in ONE TAKE and ONE BREATH. Fucking Christ!
Oh man, I can’t watch that. She starts thrashing around like she’s drowning and everything. Who insured this video?! I have many distressing questions. Good song tho.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide picks of Green Bay, Philly and Cincy went 0-3. WOOHOO! That makes me 16-14 on the season, picking with NO spread. Pretty impressive, if you ask me.
Again, we now pick three teams for your suicide pool, along with one thing that makes me want to commit suicide. This week, the picks are Seattle, Atlanta, Jacksonville, and fast foods joints getting in on the sriracha craze. I do NOT trust Papa John to use that sauce appropriately. You’re not supposed to bathe a slice of pizza in it. That drowns out the legendary subtle flavoring of a Papa John’s Sicilian tuna melt pie.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Say hello to Syracuse Post-Standard columnist Bud Poliquin, who looks exactly like someone named Bud Poliquin. Not only that, his BIO also looks exactly like the bio of someone named Bud Poliquin:
He is the co-host of the daily radio sports-talk show, ‘Bud & The Manchild.’
I bet he is. Anyway, reader Patrick sent in this fantastic Ronda Rousey take from ol’ Bud:
Not every little girl, of course, needs to aspire to be a latter-day Grace Kelly.
“Who is Grace Kelly? Is that the name of our neighbor?” –my daughter
In fact, it would probably be a good idea if girls of all ages had at least of smidge of Brienne of Tarth to them.
Say this for Bud: He got a GoT reference in there. That’s a strong signifier that he’s hip to what the TEENS like these days. Can’t believe Ronda suffered a Ned Stark in the ring!
HEAVENS TO PETE!
It’s sorry enough that men have this need to crawl through ropes or into cages to disfigure each other in the name of entertainment. But now women, long considered the more civilized sex, feel the need to join us louts in our crass ways?
What will they do next? Drink? Argue in court? HAVE SEX?! Best to leave those base pursuits to men, for the sake of the ladyfolk. The manchild over here agrees with me.
Which inspires the question: If women are into mixed martial arts today, what’ll be their male-like misbehavior tomorrow? Scratching themselves with their salad forks?
KABOOM. There it is. My buds and I love to hang out all day getting at each other with salad utensils. IT FREES THE BEAST WITHIN. After a hearty fork scratch, we like to retire to the study to swill Wite-Out and then hurl urine bags at one another. REAL GUY SHIT.
Look, anybody who’s been paying attention understands that women are better than men.
No, they’re not. You think I’m falling for that line of thirsty bullshit to support your argument? Men are awesome. And you know why? FORK WRESTLING, that’s why. Beats high tea with the ladies.
They’re more reasonable, more compassionate, more warmhearted.
That is, unless you’ve met my ex! THANK YOU FOLKS I’LL BE IN SYRACUSE ALL WEEK AT THE LAFF PIT.
Nicer, they are.
Sexy, I feel.
Just plain nicer. And they don’t belch at the table nearly as often.
It’s important to remember that everything Bud knows he apparently learned by watching The Honeymooners. It is the totality of his worldview.
Gruesome, it was.
FOR REAL WHAT’S WITH THE YODA SHIT
But loudly-applauded, just like a cockfight, too. As to which was worse — the mutual assault between two women or the happy response to it by, mostly, men — well, that’s a choice between bad cheese and old meat.
Are you ready for the kicker? Because Bud has a kicker and he’s delivering it right to your skull…
Oh, and here comes the sandwich tray.
BAM. Here is your sandwich tray of war and ugliness, America. Take a bite and experience the bitter flavor of double standards! Be sure to use your hands. I stole all the forks for scratching my balls.
Emmitt Smith’s Lock Of The Week!
“This week, I like the Chicano Bears (+1) to win at home against the Dinner Broncos! So sad to see Payton Manly go out like this. First he hurts his rims. Now he’s got Planter Facism in his foot! Can you believe that? I would not want Facism of the foot. As a rummy back, that would infect my ability to hit the fatback lanes!”
2014 Emmitt Smith record: 7-6
Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Julian Edelman. What the fuck, Edelman? You can play through getting your skull fractured in the Super Bowl, but a broken foot ruins your shit? You’re supposed to be scrappy, you dick. SCRAPPY. Stupidly playing through injury is supposed to be your thing! I LOST SIX BUCKS IN DFS BECAUSE YOU WERE SOFT, YOU NINNY. Now I’m under the $20 withdrawal limit for PoopDuel! FUCK. They’re gonna shut this joint down before I can pull out my massive winnings! THIS IS THE WEAKEST SAUCE, BRO.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2015 chopping block:
Joe Philbin - FIRED!
Ken Whisenhunt – FIRED!
And so we bid farewell to Rob Ryan, who probably won’t get the chance to coordinate an NFL defense ever again, unless his brother hires him (and we all pray he does). It’s a shame, really. Rob Ryan was a TERRIBLE defensive coordinator. Of the 12 defenses he has coached, only one finished in the top 10 scoring-wise. This is because Rob Ryan’s playbook consists of 12 stick figures stabbing a quarterback to death. But at least the man had a PHILOSOPHY, dammit.
I hope he never returns to the NFL. I hope Rob spends the rest of his days down in Cabo Wabo, swilling tequila and taking divorcees out on his boat. The man deserves to be forever in his element.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Sean sends in this story I call POOPYSHACK:
My parents were members at a country club at a small course in the south that was not fancy by any means. It was the middle of December and everyone was out of school. I decided I wanted to play 9 holes and my grandpa dropped me off.
I played 6 holes without problem then it hit me on the 7th hole. After I hit my tee shot on the par 5 7th I felt a strong rumbling in my gut. I decided that I would be able to finish the hole and go to the clubhouse, which was at the time a trailer due to construction, and drop my load.
About 100 yards down the hole I realized that I would not be able to make it to the clubhouse. I walked into the woods and squatted on a tree that had fallen. I sat on that tree for several minutes and nothing was coming out. I decided that I could make it to the makeshift clubhouse. I kept walking and the rumbling started again. This time i chose to just squat in the woods and nothing happened. At this point I decided to make a dash for it. Over the last 200 yards of the hole I sprinted with my bag (that weighed about as much as me) until I got 20 yards from the clubhouse/trailer. Standing in front of the clubhouse I unloaded into my poorly fitting khakis. Shit was just running down my legs.
Standing outside of the clubhouse with pants full of shit I had limited options. Luckily because the clubhouse was under construction I found a portapotty to hide out in. I found safety in the outhouse and used my Nokia brick to call my mom. I told her I had an emergency and I was in the portapotty by the 9th green. I waited for what felt like 10 hours but was probably around 10 minutes. My mom called me to tell me she was there and I emerged from the portapotty. I got into my mom’s van and there was my younger sister and her friend. My mom couldn’t leave them alone so I had to ride home in a van with pants full of shit and plenty of witnesses.
Golf courses are such fertile ground (literally!) for pooping mishaps. I bet every golf course in the world has been graced with human feces at some point.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Cake pops! It’s a lollipop, but it’s cake! I’m a big fan of this innovation in the confectionery arts, because it means my children will be able to finish and dispose of a lollipop in one tenth of the time. You know how annoying it is to watch a kid milk a lollipop? They’ll nurse a Tootise Pop for AGES, or they’ll bite down on it and crack a tooth. Then you got lollipop shards stuck to the minivan floor mat, and the kid throws the spit-covered lollipop stick right at your eye. Total mess. With a cake pop, it’s done before I’ve even paid at the register. It’s worth the 500 percent markup.
Gametime Malt Beverage Of The Week
FOUR LOKO SIGNATURE COCKTAILS! Oh yes. Nothing says classy like a hip cocktail pre-made by the gifted mixologists at Four Loko. Reader James explains:
Picked this up one night after work at a local gas station, it was gone the next day. Probably the work of some shady President Putin sanctions.
It tastes like gnawing on a ginger root that has been pickled in asbestos. The $1.59 rubles price was acceptable. 9.5% is also diseased potato vodka levels of intoxication. Apparently it’s “Ready to Drink” too. Which is a ringing endorsement.
That it is. Why pay $15 for some fancypants Moscow Mule in a hotel lounge when you can buy the kind of murderous cheap alcohol that most Russians likely prefer? Boris in the steam house isn’t sipping on a fucking mojito. He wants to get right down to business.
Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“You can make tampons. I know that’s lady business and I don’t want to get too mixed up in the lady business, but you can buy bulk cotton, string, and plastic tubing at the Hammer Shack for a LOT less than those big tampon companies charge. That kind of savings can be the difference between eating chicken for dinner instead of Chicken of the Sea. And it’s a thoughtful thing to make ‘em for the wife, you know? Shows you’re sensitive to that sort of thing.”
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans
Furious 7. True story: I have never seen any Fast & Furious movie. This isn’t some deliberate effort on my part, or me being a fucking snob. I just never had the chance for whatever reason. But I’m gonna remedy that soon enough. I got a DVD of No. 7 sitting at home and I’m gonna watch that shit cold. I only hope I can understand the byzantine mythology of the series. What if they make an allusion to Tokyo Drift? WILL I BE HOPELESSLY LOST?
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog... they’ve been living in sin!”
Enjoy the games, everyone.