Hey, sponsors: Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? We think of us that way sometimes and we live here.

Can we confess something? We tell you this as artists, so we think you'll understand. Sometimes when we're driving ... on the road at night ... we see two headlights coming toward us. Fast. We have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. We can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The ... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.

If you want to make sure we don't have a dead shark on our hands, click here to become a Deadspin advertiser.

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