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As recovering horse Barbaro continues to rake in the get-well cards and well-wishes from somewhat bewildering "fans," we take a moment to look at what being "put out to stud" really means. If Barbaro does survive all this, we all have an image of Barbaro spending his golden years humping around, basically picking a different mare for every day of the week. We imagine him like a horse Hefner. But the reality, a reader writes, is often very different.

I have to point out that should Barbaro survive, he will not be retiring to a life of non-stop mare-fucking, contrary to popular thinking. As a Kentucky Derby winner, I am almost positive that his sperm will be too valuable to be deposited into only one-horse per "mating." Chances are, he will only be "teased" by mares, made to mount a "phantom" mare (a fake horse) and manipulated with a fake vagina to orgasm. The ejaculate would then be divided into "Straws" and sold for several grand a pop.


In case you're confused about this "fake vagina" business, we encourage you to check out Equimount, a product specifically designed for capturing horse semen. Particularly unnerving are the horse fluffing required before the process begins. Some kind of product right here; we hope Mike Cooper knows about this.


Equimount [Official Site]

(UPDATE: Several readers have pointed out that in the big dawg world of top thoroughbred breeding, artificial insemination is not allowed. As one reader put it, "No love doll for him!" So now we all know.)