What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

It’s here! It’s finally here! Every year it seems like the big day will never come, but it’s here. It’s the day to gather with your family and friends ‘round the hearth, warm beverages and sweet treats at the ready, and have a hearty chortle over the things America stuck inside itself and couldn’t remove without the help of trained medical personnel.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and none of those things belong in there.

As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

NECKLACE

“PLACED CRAYON IN EAR ON A DARE”

“WAS BORED AT SCHOOL, PUT PART OF A PEN IN EAR”

DRAIN PLUG

MATCH

END OF A COMB

“ALWAYS PUTS TOILET PAPER IN EAR WHEN SHOWERING. CAN’T REMOVE”

FLOAM

TAPIOCA BALL

TOY MOUSE

“POPCORN KERNELS IN BOTH EARS, ‘FEEDS HER EARS BECAUSE HER EARS ARE HUNGRY’”

LEAF

TAMPON

GOOGLY EYE

GLOW STICK

“PIECE OF GELATINOUS TOY THAT EXPANDS WITH WATER”

PEARL

PEARLS

CAR KEY

BUG

“PUT BLEACH ON A Q-TIP TO CLEAN EAR. CHEMICAL BURN”

“WAS CLEANING EAR WITH Q-TIP, ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO WALL, PUSHED Q-TIP INTO EAR”

RUBBER BAND

BUTTERFLY

PAINT

PINK VITAMIN

COTTON BALL

TREE NUT

“SNEEZED AND A COMPUTER KEYBOARD KEY CAME OUT RT. NOSTRIL, SNEEZED AGAIN & ANOTHER ONE ALMOST CAME OUT”

GUM

GUM WRAPPER

GUM IN WRAPPER

SEX TOY

POOL NOODLE

PIECE OF STEAK

BANANA

PLASTIC TOY BANANA

“HAD WIFE’S EARRING IN HIS MOUTH AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”

CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH

TOY HORN

SALT FROM SALT LAMP

MULCH

“DRINKING COFFEE OUT OF CHIP DIP CONTAINER THAT HAD SOME PLASTIC SEAL IN PLACE & FELT PIECE BREAK OFF WHILE DRINKING. STILL IN THROAT”

THROAT LOZENGE STILL IN BLISTER PACK

SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO

MOOD RING

STEEL WOOL

“SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE EATING PEANUTS”

PIPE CLEANER

STRAW

DOMINO

THIN ELECTRIFIED ROD

“PIECE OF HARD WHITE PLASTIC THAT HE BROKE OFF WHILE WORKING W/ CRAFTS”

BACK OF REMOTE CONTROL

METAL PAPER CLIP

FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS

TOILET PAPER

PEN CAP

6 TO 7 BB PELLETS

“PUT SOAP ON ELECTRICAL WIRE, INSERTED WIRE IN PENIS”

CRACK VIAL

CRAFTING STRING

“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”

CHAIN

PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGER

3M COMMAND STRIP PLASTIC HOOK

SMALL CHILD’S TOY

BATON

COLORED PENCIL

“INSERTED A CRAYON IN VAGINA, CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT CAME OUT”

MULTIPLE COTTON BALLS

CAP OF DEODORANT SPRAY

DOMINO

PIECES OF A PEN

GLASS PAPERWEIGHT

“HAD AN EGG VIBRATOR COME APART IN VAGINA LEAVING PART OF IT AND5 BATTERIES IN THE VAGINAL CANAL”

ARTIFICIAL FINGERNAIL

MAKEUP BRUSH

TOY PLASTIC BANANA

PENIS RING

“SLIPPED & FELL ON WET FLOOR AT HOME & ALSO HAS HAD SEX TOY STUCK IN VAGINA FOR 8 MONTHS”

CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT BALL

BILLIARD BALL

NAIL FILE

SHOT GLASS

“CRACK COCAINE WITH SEX OBJECTS”

SD CARD

“JUMPED ON BED - TOOTHBRUSH WAS ON BED AND WENT UP PATIENT’S RECTUM”

“SAT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND ACCIDENTALLY SAT ON A BALL POINT PEN, PEN LODGES IN RECTUM”

PLASTIC PENCIL CASE

MARKER

GREEN CRAYON

IPAD STYLUS

LUBE BOTTLE WITH CAP ON

LEG OF TELESCOPE

PLASTIC CIGAR HOLDER

“PUSHED DRUGS UP RECTUM USING A LIGHTER, WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DRUGS BAG YET BELIEVE LIGHTER GOT STUCK”

PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE

TRAVEL SIZED MOUTHWASH BOTTLE

SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE

FULL SIZED SHAMPOO BOTTLE

FULL SIZED AEROSOL CAN

GOLF BALL

TWO GOLF BALLS IN BAG

“TOOK A SODA BOTTLE WITH FIREBALL WHISKEY VIA HIS RECTUM, STUCK BOTTLE IN RECTUM AND SQUEEZED”

PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE

7 OZ BEER BOTTLE

BAR OF SOAP

CANDLE IN CONDOM

“SQUIRTED MIXTURE OF BLEACH AND WATER INTO RECTUM WANTING TO PREVENT AIDS”

LIGHT BULB

HANDLE OF BROOM

CELL PHONE

KEY CHAIN WITH FLASHLIGHT & BATTERY

“HAS VIBRATOR IN RECTUM AND TRIED TO REMOVE IT WITH SCREWDRIVER AND LACERATED RECTUM; OBJECT IN COLON NOW”

SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING