What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Consider this the crotch-clenching companion piece to our annual look at American insertion: a collection of the worst penis-related mishaps to befall our great nation last year.

All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

DANCING & GRINDING WHILE AT CLUB, WEARING BRIEFS & JEANS, DEVELOPED BLEEDING FROM PENIS

WAS HIT ACCIDENTALLY IN GENITALS WITH A LASER GUN AT PARTY

WAS RIDING ON DUSTPAN W HEN HIS PENIS GOT TRAPPED UNDERNEATH IT

WAS INEBRIATED & STRUCK A SPINNING SPARKLER IN HIS PANTS. WOKE UP NEXT MORNING W/ BURNED PANTS & PENIS PAIN

FRNDS WHO HAD LOTS OF FIREWRX PUT FIREWRX 2GETHER THT WLD SPIN& XPLODE TYPE N PT RUNNING WHN IT XPLODED BURNED LEG PENIS

SIBLING PUT FLEA POWDER IN DIAPER INSTEAD OF BABY POWDER. DEVELOPED A CHEMICAL BURN TO PENIS

MASTURBATING @ HOME W/A SPATULA & WINE BOTTLE OPENER—STRANGULATED PENIS FOR 4 DAYS BEFORE SEEKING HELP

SWELLING TO PENIS. TIED GROCERY BAG AROUND PENIS W/ RUBBER BAND TO CATCH URINE

BITE TO HIS PENIS BY TWIN SISTER THROUGH HIS PANTS DURING UNWITNESSED ARGUMENT.

PENIS BITTEN THROUGH PANTS WHILE WRESTLING BY BROTHER

RUNNING IN APT AND HIT PENIS ON A CHAIR

CLIMBING ON COUNTER, FELL, STRUCK BREAD DRAWER W/PENIS

HAD SEMI-ERECT PENIS & JUMPED ONTO HIS BED ON STOMACH HITTING PENIS

ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OFF SWIM TRUNKS, FORESKIN ON PENIS STUCK IN MESH IN TRUNKS

REPORTS PAIN TO TIP OF PENIS WHEN HE HURT SELF WHEN HE SAT ON A FAKE CAMEL AT THE PARK

KICKED BY A YOUNG CHILD @ SCHOOL WHO WAS WEARING FASHION BOOTS

TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH GIRLFRIEND AND PENIS WAS CUT ON BELT BUCKLE

TRIED TO REMOVE WART WITH STRING AND NOW STRING IS STUCK AT BASE OF PENIS

INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE

CLOSED THE LAPTOP ON HIS PENIS

ADMITS TO USING GLASS (METH) TONIGHT. ALSO ADMITS TO GETTING END OF 2 LITER BOTTLE STUCK ON PENIS

ACCIDENTLY KICKED IN THE PENIS WHILE ICE SKATING, BLEEDING ALOT FROM PENIS

WAS PLAYING WITH A TOY MOTOR BOAT IN THE BATHTUB & GOT PENIS CAUGHT IN PROPELLER

FELL OFF A TEETER-TOTTER AT THE PLAYGROUND, IT CAME BACK DOWN AND CRUSHED PENIS

COVER OF OLD TIME DESK FELL HITTING PENIS

Take better care of your penises next year.

See also: 2013 in penis nightmares.