Do you think at any point in your life (even for a split second) you were the drunkest person in the world? Or is there always a former Soviet soldier there to block you?


The latter. Russia is a cold, dark, terrible place where happiness is for the weak. Those people drink 80 bottles of Stoli every night after a hard day of selling their daughters into the sex trade, so you aren't beating them. There's a line between poser alcoholics like everyone from Southie (OW-AH ALCOHAWLISM IS TOUGHAH THAN YOUR-AH ALCOHAWLISM!) and REAL alcoholics: the kind of people that wake up and drink all the Listerine. And don't forget about prison folk, and third world rebel soldiers who drink a homemade mix of ammonia and gun powder. It's hard to be drunker at any given moment than people like that.


Which current player's death would garner the most outpouring of grief around the country? The more I think about it, the answer is Tebow, isn't it? Dammit.


I think it would be RG3. I mean, people practically sat shiva for his knee, and that was just one knee. If ALL of him died, then they'd probably have him lying in state at the National Cathedral. Really looking forward to this happening next season, when Mike Shanahan asks RG3 to jump out of a moving team bus and RG3 agrees to it because he's a fucking WARRIOR.

The circumstances matter, of course. If RG3 were to die of, I dunno, LEUKEMIA, that would be very sad (and somewhat suspect). But if he died while stabbing a nun, and the nun turned the tables on him and speared him in the heart with a crucifix? Not quite as sad.


Oh, and smallest outpouring of grief? Ray Lewis. Only CBS producers would mourn.


I was at a bar last night and this 23ish year old girl was with a like 55-year old guy. Old man goes to the bathroom and this rather drunk young dude appears. He had been playing in the band at the bar and he goes up to the girl, clearly knows her, and kisses her on the mouth.

Old guy comes back from the bathroom, stands next to them and the young guy kisses the girl on the mouth in front of the old man, says bye to the girl, then the two guys have an awkward goodbye interaction which I couldn't hear from my seat. The old man then sits down and starts making out with the girl.

Can you explain what I saw?

An ambitious hooker? Any time I saw a really old guy with a young woman, I assume it's a hooker. It's reassuring that way, frankly. I don't want to think this was some kind of voluntary love affair.


I went to dinner with my parents a few years ago and we spotted a gross old man and a hooker eating sushi just a couple of tables away. The old man wore a suit. The hooker had a black dress that barely covered her ass and clear heels. And when my parents saw this, they didn't shut the fuck up about for the whole meal. I think that's a hooker, Drew. Are they coming from the hotel or going to it? What do you think he paid for a hooker like that? And my parents talk loud as shit, so I know damn well the john heard it. I feel terrible that my parents ruined the magic.


Are we going to reach a point in this country where pets are given more normal names than human children? Are we already there?


We're there. You wouldn't name your dog Sookie or Eithne.


What is the appropriate amount of time to grieve the death of a family member or close friend before you can masturbate again?


Are you masturbating TO the family member? If not, the answer is half a day. If so, the answer is PRISON.


Do you think that the existence of sex and the sexual urge have collectively generated more happiness or misery for mankind? Ignore for a moment all joy/pain related to child-raising, and the fact that sex is how we all got here and have the opportunity to experience misery and joy at all.

I'm talking about the great things about sex itself: all the good feelings we have during it; the happiness we feel when daydreaming about it, reminiscing about it, looking forward to it, etc. All of that stacked up against the sadness anyone has ever felt over sex they wished they were having, but weren't; resentment of others who are having sex when we're not; misery caused by infidelity, jealousy, sex-related acts of violence, etc.

Which pile would be bigger, if measured from the beginning of humanity? I say misery.


It's misery. Rape alone puts misery over the top. Have many people have been raped in history? A billion? More? God, it's so depressing. Your post-coital glow after fingering your classmate for the first time doesn't begin to make up for the pain and suffering caused by a billion goddamn rapes. WHAT KIND OF GOD ALLOWS FOR SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL TO BE TURNED SO UGLY?! There could have been less invasive methods of procreation. High-fiving for instance. No one would be scarred for life from an unwanted high five.


You know when you are watching a football game on TV, and there is a flag on the play, but you don't know if it's on the offense or defense? How exciting is it to watch the officials huddling up, and you're waiting to see if a player on your team is the first to start clapping, indicating the penalty is on the other team? Such a natural high...


Yeah, but it's usually NEVER on the other team. I'm usually full of dread when that happens, especially when the announcer says, "looks to be in the area of holding." That is the WORST. You know that 57-yard bomb the wideout caught with his toes is coming all way back because Dumbfuck McAsshole got too handsy with a defensive end.

There are some rare moments when both you and the announcers are absolutely certain that the penalty is on your team, when the ref will pull a shocker and say it's on the other team. I always jump up and down and pump my fist like a jackass when that happens. ENCROACHMENT! BOOOOOOOOOOSH!



Whenever I watch a movie like Bond or Bourne, there is about a 15-20 minute period where I walk with more purpose, I talk with more conviction, and I am hyper-aware of my surroundings. If I am driving a car, it's two hands on the wheel, a la Ryan Gosling in Drive.

I just saw Skyfall, and as I reached for my umbrella, I realized the guy next to me took my nice umbrella, and I was left with the shitty two-dollar black ones that fall apart in the face of 2 mph wind.

By the time I realized what had happened, he was out of sight. With my post-action movie high in full effect, it was go time. Darted to the bathroom: not there. Ran down the escalator (contemplated sliding down the greased up metal part), not in the lobby. Opened the exit doors, dramatically looked both ways, and there he was, walking smugly down the street with his new sturdy umbrella. So I ran him down, tapped him on the back, and channeled my Daniel Craig as best as I could: "Hey, I think you took the wrong umbrella."


That was solid reconnaissance work there, good sir.

This is why, if I'm ever dressed in a suit and I have to get somewhere quickly, I break into a run for roughly ten yards before collapsing with exhausting. Ever sprint while wearing a suit? It's AWESOME. And it's even better if you're wearing a tux. You feel like you're chasing down six Albanian sleeper agents. If there's a phone in my inside pocket, I like to reach in and pretend it's a cigarette case that shoots a high-powered laser beam. You are fucking TOAST, Boris.


It's not just action movies that can have this kind of effect. Any time I watched The Sopranos, I would always end up cursing more than I usually do. "Who the fucks put these cookies in the fuckin' trash?" I'll affect any cool character's identity because I have no decent identity of my own. I'M YO HUCKLEBERRY. CHAOS IS FAIR.


What would it be like if there were no field goal net? What if the ball could just fly into the crowd?


Attendance at Jaguar games would at least double.


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This is the cover of a trade journal popular in the food industry. Think I have an idea what the number one "lip-smacking" product is...


Who knew trade pubs could be so racy? Remind me to pick up an issue of Toner Illustrated later today.


Is it weird that there hasn't been an assassination of a star athlete by a fan of a rival team?


SO weird.

Seriously though, it is heartwarming that people don't try to openly cripple rival players more often. Even Alabama fans, who are all insane, don't go that far. They assassinate TREES, but not people. I think that's an impressive display of restraint. We should be lauding Harvey Updyke for having the courage to NOT murder Cam Newton. I bet it wasn't easy for him.


Email of the week!


My office building was doing a "tenant appreciation" thing this morning, with coffee, juice and all kinds of different pastries available in the lobby for as long as it took all us to take advantage of the free food.

I got a small bear claw and put it on one of those paper plates that's about 5 inches across. I went to wait for the elevator and, since I was afraid I might starve while waiting the minute or two it would take for a car to show up and lift me to the 13th floor, I devoured the bear claw right there. The elevator then opened up.

This left me with this plate that was basically unused...I don't think the bear claw was on it for more than a minute. And now I'm wondering what to do with the plate. I'm not a recycling fiend/fanatic, but the thing was hardly used and I feel like I'd be wasting it if I just threw it away. It's not really good for much...Too small for a full meal, yet barely big enough for the bear claw. Should I keep it in case some food comes around that might fit on it, or just chuck it in the trash?


Trash. The poor plate never got to fulfill its potential.

At cocktail parties and wedding, I am where plates and napkins go to die. I know I need a small plate to accommodate the six bacon-wrapped scallops I just took. But once those are eaten? FUCK YOU, PLATE. These hands need to be free.


Image by Jim Cooke