A lot of people wrote in last week in response this Dadspin post, particularly other dads who had been through similar situations. I don't really have a good place to post these letters—seems inappropriate to put letters about endangered babies in a feature called DEAD LETTERS—but I just wanted to say to everyone who wrote in that your emails were read and very much appreciated. Also, I shouldn't have sugarcoated the whole having-a-kid-in-the-NICU business. It's been unbearable.
Now, with that out of the way, I think it's time to get back to the business of Funbagging. Your letters:
My friends and I were discussing cannibalism the other day. The conversation quickly turned into which person we would like to snack on the most for the sake of taste. The general opinion is that we want someone young and muscular, but with a bit of fat on them. At the same time, this person should be organic, not letting Jose Canseco jam needles in their ass. The consensus answer for them was Tim Tebow.
On the other hand, I went off the board with Baby Jesus, likening him to eating the finest piece of veal. My questions for you are: (1) who is the most ideal person to eat (past or present), and (2) which body part would taste the best? (And yes, I already know that I'm going straight to hell).
For all cannibalism questions, I always turn to the late muralist Diego Rivera, who once partook in the practice.
He said that at one point he dabbled in cannibalism, recommending ''women's brains in vinaigrette.''
With that in mind, I would strongly recommended NOT eating Tebow if given your choice of celebrity to dine on. I also don't agree that you want someone muscular, because that would mean a lot of gristle. You would definitely want to eat a woman. The rule of eating people is, I presume, the same as the rule of eating lobsters: THE FEMALES ARE SWEETER. I'll take Adele. She's young and well fed. I wouldn't want to eat a baby. That would be like trying to eat quail. Ever eat quail? It's delicious, but so many tiny bones. I wish quail were larger.
(NOTE: Please don't eat other people.)
I was behind this car in bumper to bumper traffic. Glad I wasn't next to them. And I wouldn't look at his mirrors because any eye contact would have been awkward, but I'm sure he was enjoying the traffic more than me.
I wish there were an economy VW model named the Fap, so that the model name came right after that license plate. I would buy a car named the Fap.
I work at a local pizza place in my town as a delivery driver. The pay is a little less than minimum wage, but you earn most of your money from tips anyways. One of the biggest things that pisses me off is when someone leaves me less than a $3 tip. Since I live in a somewhat small town, most customers are repeat customers so I know exactly who gives shitty tips. So if I know the person I'm delivering to is gonna come a little cheap, I will eat some of their food while driving over. Nothing too big though, if they have fries or onion rings or nuggets I'll eat them, but nothing huge like their sub or pizza (I'm not trying to get fired). I feel I am not in the wrong for doing this. However, some of my coworkers take it a little further and will sometimes reach down in their pants and get their hand nice and lubed up with swamp ass and grundle and rub it on the person's food.
That is WRONG. Listen I know bad tippers like Stephon Marbury and all are horrible people. But wiping your fromunda on someone's fries is a CRIME. It's a goddamn crime, I tell you!
Any job that doesn't involve waiting tables that pays you less than minimum wage with the promise of extra tip income is bullshit. Quit that job right now. You may have a good sense of what kind of tip a delivery driver deserves, but the reality is that most people tip delivery drivers the exact same way. Do I have a few extra singles in my wallet? Fine. You get a tip. Do I only have twenties? Uh... shit. Well, uh... this is awkward... (DOOR SLAM). I'm never ordering delivery.
I'm 26, which means Internet pornography has been around throughout my masturbatory career. As someone who grew up before this era, did you ever think in your wildest dreams that pornography would be this easily available?
Of course not. I remember, vividly, the first time I ever saw a downloaded porn clip from the internet. It was senior year in college (1997), and this one friend of mine with friends with this Greek kid who was a complete sleazebag. So the Greek kid tells us he has something to show us and brings us to his room. I figured we were gonna smoke weed or something, but instead, he opens up his laptop, clicks on a file marked DINNER, and there it was. A smoking hot European porn clip right on his desktop. I was blown away. My friend and I begged him to put it on a floppy disk for us. Needless to say, it did not fit on a floppy disk. I was crushed.
Back in the early days of the web, there was no streaming pornography, so you had to download it all from Kazaa or BearShare or Limewire or some other Gnutella client. And the files were so huge that they took forever to download. And you never knew what you were getting. The file may have been named "tera-patrick-sucking-limo.mov", but there was no guarantee that you were getting what was promised. There are few things worse than waiting ninety years to download a fap clip only to be greeted with an error message (FUCK YOU! PLAY MY FILE!) or, even worse, some homemade video of a Russian guy raping a newborn foal. But that never stopped me from gambling.
FUCK YOU to any restaurant that charges for refills of coffee. I went to a casual restaurant known for their burgers, and was billed eight bucks for a burger (with extras) and fries. I was also billed FOUR BUCKS for two cups of coffee that were 8-10 ounces each. And it was cheap, local coffee not anything gourmet.
Building on that, refills of all non-alcoholic beverages in all restaurants should be free. Any place that has a soda fountain out in front of the counter and tries to charge for refills deserves every ounce of withering scorn it gets. I don't even bother to ask if refills are free or not. No one does. Shit, even Coke itself ran an ad blatantly stating that stealing sips from the fountain is just fine. Coke knows damn well that they have a profit margin of 3,000% regardless of how many cups of their shit you drink. I will stand at the fountain and drink nine bucketfuls of Coke Zero before actually securing the lid and heading to my chair. It's a problem.
Saw this in my office building a couple years back, thought you'd appreciate. I milled around for 30min to see if the driver came back since it wasn't in a monthly parking spot.
"My son is also named Bort."
I will be having surgery in a month to remove a tumor from my abdomen. The surgeon has told me that in order to remove the cancer he's going to have to kill the nerve that allows you to ejaculate. I will still be able to have an erection and achieve orgasm, just no semen. In fact, the semen will go into my bladder instead of out the penis (no, it isn't supposed to hurt). I went to a sperm bank before chemo started so if I ever want a kid i can just hit up the bank. On a relevant note, I'm a single, straight, 26 year old male. So, is all this a good thing or a bad thing?
I did not know this was, like, a thing that could happen to someone. So if the semen comes out of your bladder, could you still impregnate a woman by pissing into her? Because I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.
YOU: I want a baby.
WOMAN: Me, too! Let's make one!
YOU: Ah, about that. Bit of a twist there...
I assume that the surgery renders you infertile, which is a con if you plan on having children (as many men secretly do). Other cons of having your Skeet Nerve paralyzed:
• Having to explain to the man next you at the urinal why semen is coming out of you. "I'm not fapping! I swear! I do that in the stall!"
• Inability to pull off a money shot. You really ARE shooting blanks.
• All pee dribble stains will also be cum stains. That's rough.
But now, here are the pros:
• No need for birth control
• No need to beg your partner to consume your ejaculate upon orgasm (NO SPITTING! NO SWALLOWING! YOU'RE A DREAM MAN!)
• Awesome party trick
Oh, and the whole "treat your cancer" thing. That seems important. Enjoy your skeety piss!
Last month, a new guy moved into the cube on the other side of the cube wall from me, and he chews ice all the goddamn time. Like, not a little bit of ice that is left at the end of a drink; as far as I can tell, he goes and gets cups full of ice to chew. As I sit here right now, he has been chewing ice non-stop for at least 25 minutes, and the incessant crunch-crunch-crunch is so audible through these thin walls of fabric that it's on the verge of driving me insane. Is there any way of asking him to curtail his 4 hours of ice-munching a day that doesn't make me a bitch, or should I just start looking for a new job?
I think it's okay to politely but firmly say to him YOU GLASS CUNT. THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE PLACE TO CHEW ICE IS ON AN AIRPLANE WHEN YOU'RE WAITING FOR YOUR NEXT DRINK. Everyone chews ice on an airplane because there's nothing better to do. No one should CHOOSE to chew ice. That's bullshit. I never chew ice anymore because one time I had a piece of ice knock against one of my teeth and set off a nerve and OH MY FUCKING GOD MARATHON MAN AGONY. I'm never risking that again. Much better to stop chewing ice than to go to a dentist to have that checked out.
So, I'm at my parents' house for spring break (SPRING BREAK METRO DETROIT 2012 WOOOO) and we have a collection of my grandfather's things in the garage, due to him being moved from hospital to rehabilitation center, etc. One of the things sitting in the garage is his wheelchair, which I really want to bust it out and play wheelchair basketball in the driveway. But I don't know if I should, partly for moral reasons, partly for what the neighbors might think, but mainly because I feel like its bad luck. I feel like if I play around in someone else's wheelchair, I'll be cursed to be put in one at a young age. Are my concerns rational, or should I just say 'fuck it' and play?
Fuck it and play. Wheelchairs are a blast if you aren't a crippled person. When my wife was in the hospital last week, my kids found out that they were gonna be able to push her around in a wheelchair and they LOST THEIR SHIT. The second they wheeled in the chair, it was like Christmas times ninety. They got to sit in it and spin around and play with the brakes and footrests. You could have brought a Ferrari into the joint and they wouldn't have been anywhere near as excited. If the chair had been motorized, they would have dropped dead on the spot.
So go ahead and wheel around. I love playing with hospital equipment: wheelchairs, walkers, canes, crutches. When I was kid, anyone who broke their leg immediately was besieged by other kids wanting to play with their crutches. Ever do mini-vaults with your friends' crutches? RIVETING.
(NOTE: Check Dice's belt buckle in that special. Also, note the crowd. I love looking at the crowds in old 80s standup specials. It's like they carted everyone in from the set of Tic Tac Dough.)
So a year or so ago I had a really weird roommate (never find roommates on Craigslist). This kid had serious problems, never slept or left the house. So one day he calls his parents and says he is going to commit suicide, and like the shitty parents they were, they just called the cops to take care of it. So that night, a weekend night, we have like 8 dickhead cops in our house dragging him out so he can't kill himself. So they leave and naturally we know he won't be back soon so we go in his room. We find a bunch of 2-liter bottles of urine, then we get on his laptop and look at his browser history...all beastiality porn. (sample name of one webpage 'Great Dane fucks midget') So he is watching dogs screw people. We also find a bottle of KY jelly, and we remember that he had a small dog in his room for a few weeks. He had to have been one wall over from us screwing that poor little dog. We never went in that room again, even after he moved out.
But if he watching videos of dogs fucking people, doesn't that mean that he let the dog fuck HIM? I feel like that's a crucial difference. My opinion of a person changes depending on whether or not they're a doggie top or a doggie bottom. How would you even convince the dog to mount you? I bet Cesar Milian couldn't even do that.
(By the way, I hope there a dog porn video called PACK LEADER.)
Is this the greatest achievement in urinal technology ever?
YES. Such a simple, elegant solution. Why wasn't this universally implemented a hundred years ago?
If a fortune teller could tell you the exact date and time that you
were going to die, would you really want to know?
FUCK AND NO. No one would. I prefer life to end like a soccer match, with someone suddenly blowing a whistle and everyone going home.
Let's say you are given the ability to become the best player in any sport you want. I'm talking the best ever, hands down, forever and ever, without having to work at it. None of this bullshit 'We give you the talent and ability, you have to work your ass off to realize said talent and ability.'
HOWEVA, here's the rub - you can only play for the team you most despise. AND you would be behaviorally ingrained to always hate your said team. No growing to love them, or the fans, or the city. For my scenario it would be the Celtics. You would be thereby helping said team of pure hatred to win title upon title, feeding the very thing and people you hate, all for the ultimate glory of your ego. Would you do it?
Yes, and so would you. You don't think there are scores of professional athletes who ended up getting drafted for a team they grew up hating? It happens all the time, but I've never seen a pro athlete openly refuse to play for a team because of that. Once you've reached that level of excellence, your allegiances go out the window. Staying loyal to your old team at that point is juvenile at best and fucking stupid at worst. You're not a fan anymore. You're inside the industry. I think that, once players are drafted, they don't see the game the way you or I do. They're too close to it. You may hate the Cowboys your whole life, but that changes once they hand you a check and you develop relationships with players and coaches on the team that you like. Fanaticism takes a backseat to professionalism, and that's fine. I'd be alarmed if it didn't. You play for the team that pays you.
Would you rather fart lightning, or ejaculate thunder?
Both scenarios are bad. Farting lightning sounds awesome, but would essentially ruin every pair of pants you ever wear. And ejaculating thunder would scare the shit out of your mate and send a signal to everyone nearby that you just ejaculated (out of your bladder if your reader Brian). Just an awful thing to have happen to you. Mortifying. I'd have no choice but to take that option, but I wouldn't like it.
Would you rather crap out of your mouth, or piss out of your nipples?
The latter, of course. Who wouldn't want to piss out of their nipples? You show that off at a bar, and you're the talk of the town.
Best book ever right?
Let there be no doubt. And check out Chet's website. It's amazing. It looks like a Tripod site from 1999. Complete with spinning text! It's the star wipe of homemade HTML.
Anybody ever realize that ballsack skin heals in Wolverine fashion? That shit heals so fast!
I'll keep that in mind when I get my vasectomy.
I was explaining the healing process to my kid the other day because he got a booboo, and it is kind of miraculous when you think about it. Your cuts heal all by themselves, like MAGIC. We just don't appreciate it because it takes so long. We're all superheroes! Let's all have a big tack fight to celebrate.
Let's say I somehow meet a smoking hot set of conjoined twins and I am able to hop in the sack with them. I have officially been part of a threesome, right?
Yeah that counts, regardless of shared genitalia. I don't think men want threesomes just because they want two women to choose from in bed. I think men get off on the idea of CONVINCING two women to go to bed with him. It preys upon the very worst impulses of the male ego. Two women want my penis! THAT'S SO AWESOME. I can't wait to CRUSH two beers and CRUSH two pussies!
So if you convince two separately thinking entities to have sex with you, it counts.
If you could inflict any act of bodily damage on somebody, consequence free, what would you opt for? Gouge an eye out? Break a finger? Separate a shoulder? Personally, I've always been very intrigued by the concept of kicking somebody in the side of their weight-bearing leg, thus tearing all the ligaments in their knee.
Sledgehammer to the face. Like you, I've long wondered what it would be like to bend someone's finger back until it snapped like a twig, but the sledgehammer to the face would be more gratifying. First off, it would make me feel like I was ringing the bell at the carnie strongman contest. Secondly, who knows what kind of havoc that hammer would wreak. I mean, you're talking about a completely different person coming out of the end of that blow. Lots of puffiness.
I'd also opt for the Under Siege-style knife to the dome.
I drive to work and have the option of express or local lanes on the highway. I always take the express. Is it wrong that I root for a catastrophic accident that blocks the local lanes so I could laugh at the losers stuck in the local lanes as I whiz by?
No, and vice versa. Also, nothing fills me with rage more than getting stuck in either the express or local lanes knowing that I had my choice of either and blew it.
Time for a GREAT MOMENT IN PETER DINKLAGE FUNERAL STORIES.
My aunt is friends with Peter Dinklage's mother, and when her husband finally succumbed to cancer, both Peter and his mother came to the memorial.
My aunt and uncle were together for a long time, about 40 years. When my aunt came into the hall (after everyone else was seated) and saw the shrine/altar thing, she broke down crying and my cousin, who's 6'6" and played semipro football had to hold her up and basically carry her to her seat, where she sobbed heartbreakingly the whole time. I've been to some tough funerals in my time, but that moment is going to stick with me for the rest of my life; I understood then what true loss was.
This is all to set the scene for later, when my other cousin's kids (who, in their defense were like 8 and 10 at the time) went up to Peter Dinklage and wanted to talk to him about how he was in Elf. He was total ice to them: the phrase "totally inappropriate" featured prominently in the conversation. I was incredibly happy he didn't coddle them or give them any slack at all. So that's pure Dinklage right there.
Do not fuck with the Dinklage.