Which Online Edgelord Mishaps Will Derail Trevor Bauer's Season?

It’s Opening Day, folks, and you know what that means: It’s time to speculate and make predictions about the upcoming major league baseball season. Which teams will win the divisions, wild cards, pennants, and World Series? Who’s gonna sock a ton of dingers? Which bizarre Internet Libertarian ailments will prevent Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer from winning the American League Cy Young award?

Here at Deadspin, we spent a chunk of our morning considering that last question, and here are some possibilities we came up with:

Suspended 50 games for swatting a Twitter user with four followers who called him “a goof”

Electrocutes self attaching wires to his brain

Cryotherapy mishap causes him to miss three months with a frozen ass

Attempts to live off Ben Shapiro-branded survival food during road trip; contracts scurvy

Injures dick (drone rotor)

Excess use of Alex Jones nootropics leads to growth of second head

Goes on Jordan Peterson beef-only diet; organs dissolve in acid blood

Tears UCL playing a racist Fortnite clone too much

Tries to “neg” grizzly bear; eaten

Crypto market downturn sends him into hiding from creditors

Minor burns lead to prolonged legal dispute with manufacturers of Real Doll

Actually does inject mail-order nanites into arm, turns into evil robot like lady in

Develops a sleep disorder from staying up until 4:00 a.m. every night watching freethinker videos on YouTube

Declares self a sovereign citizen before a road trip, detained at Canadian border due to lack of valid passport

Takes too much colloidal silver, turns blue, ruled to have violated PED rules by making himself indistinguishable from the batter’s eye in many ballparks

Which dark web maladies do you think will screw up Trevor Bauer’s 2019 season? Share your ideas in the comments.