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Which Online Edgelord Mishaps Will Derail Trevor Bauer's Season?

Photo: David Maxwell (Getty)

It’s Opening Day, folks, and you know what that means: It’s time to speculate and make predictions about the upcoming major league baseball season. Which teams will win the divisions, wild cards, pennants, and World Series? Who’s gonna sock a ton of dingers? Which bizarre Internet Libertarian ailments will prevent Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer from winning the American League Cy Young award?

Here at Deadspin, we spent a chunk of our morning considering that last question, and here are some possibilities we came up with:

  • Suspended 50 games for swatting a Twitter user with four followers who called him “a goof”
  • Electrocutes self attaching wires to his brain
  • Cryotherapy mishap causes him to miss three months with a frozen ass
  • Attempts to live off Ben Shapiro-branded survival food during road trip; contracts scurvy
  • Injures dick (drone rotor)
  • Excess use of Alex Jones nootropics leads to growth of second head
  • Goes on Jordan Peterson beef-only diet; organs dissolve in acid blood
  • Tears UCL playing a racist Fortnite clone too much
  • Tries to “neg” grizzly bear; eaten
  • Crypto market downturn sends him into hiding from creditors
  • Minor burns lead to prolonged legal dispute with manufacturers of Real Doll
  • Actually does inject mail-order nanites into arm, turns into evil robot like lady in Superman III
  • Develops a sleep disorder from staying up until 4:00 a.m. every night watching freethinker videos on YouTube
  • Declares self a sovereign citizen before a road trip, detained at Canadian border due to lack of valid passport
  • Takes too much colloidal silver, turns blue, ruled to have violated PED rules by making himself indistinguishable from the batter’s eye in many ballparks
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Which dark web maladies do you think will screw up Trevor Bauer’s 2019 season? Share your ideas in the comments.

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