Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Which Online Edgelord Mishaps Will Derail Trevor Bauer's Season?

Illustration for article titled Which Online Edgelord Mishaps Will Derail Trevor Bauer's Season?
Photo: David Maxwell (Getty)

It’s Opening Day, folks, and you know what that means: It’s time to speculate and make predictions about the upcoming major league baseball season. Which teams will win the divisions, wild cards, pennants, and World Series? Who’s gonna sock a ton of dingers? Which bizarre Internet Libertarian ailments will prevent Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer from winning the American League Cy Young award?


Here at Deadspin, we spent a chunk of our morning considering that last question, and here are some possibilities we came up with:

  • Suspended 50 games for swatting a Twitter user with four followers who called him “a goof”
  • Electrocutes self attaching wires to his brain
  • Cryotherapy mishap causes him to miss three months with a frozen ass
  • Attempts to live off Ben Shapiro-branded survival food during road trip; contracts scurvy
  • Injures dick (drone rotor)
  • Excess use of Alex Jones nootropics leads to growth of second head
  • Goes on Jordan Peterson beef-only diet; organs dissolve in acid blood
  • Tears UCL playing a racist Fortnite clone too much
  • Tries to “neg” grizzly bear; eaten
  • Crypto market downturn sends him into hiding from creditors
  • Minor burns lead to prolonged legal dispute with manufacturers of Real Doll
  • Actually does inject mail-order nanites into arm, turns into evil robot like lady in Superman III
  • Develops a sleep disorder from staying up until 4:00 a.m. every night watching freethinker videos on YouTube
  • Declares self a sovereign citizen before a road trip, detained at Canadian border due to lack of valid passport
  • Takes too much colloidal silver, turns blue, ruled to have violated PED rules by making himself indistinguishable from the batter’s eye in many ballparks

Which dark web maladies do you think will screw up Trevor Bauer’s 2019 season? Share your ideas in the comments.