Which Online Edgelord Mishaps Will Derail Trevor Bauer's Season?

It’s Opening Day, folks, and you know what that means: It’s time to speculate and make predictions about the upcoming major league baseball season. Which teams will win the divisions, wild cards, pennants, and World Series? Who’s gonna sock a ton of dingers? Which bizarre Internet Libertarian ailments will prevent Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer from winning the American League Cy Young award?
Here at Deadspin, we spent a chunk of our morning considering that last question, and here are some possibilities we came up with:
Suspended 50 games for swatting a Twitter user with four followers who called him “a goof”
Electrocutes self attaching wires to his brain
Cryotherapy mishap causes him to miss three months with a frozen ass
Attempts to live off Ben Shapiro-branded survival food during road trip; contracts scurvy
Injures dick (drone rotor)
Excess use of Alex Jones nootropics leads to growth of second head
Goes on Jordan Peterson beef-only diet; organs dissolve in acid blood
Tears UCL playing a racist Fortnite clone too much
Tries to “neg” grizzly bear; eaten
Crypto market downturn sends him into hiding from creditors
Minor burns lead to prolonged legal dispute with manufacturers of Real Doll
Actually does inject mail-order nanites into arm, turns into evil robot like lady in
Develops a sleep disorder from staying up until 4:00 a.m. every night watching freethinker videos on YouTube
Declares self a sovereign citizen before a road trip, detained at Canadian border due to lack of valid passport
Takes too much colloidal silver, turns blue, ruled to have violated PED rules by making himself indistinguishable from the batter’s eye in many ballparks
Which dark web maladies do you think will screw up Trevor Bauer’s 2019 season? Share your ideas in the comments.


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