Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks: Jim Souhan

OK, we surrender. The white flag you see waving above the rubble means that we're coming out peacefully, kicking several weeks worth of Jim Souhan columns ahead of us. That's it, you've taken all the fight out of us. We have freaking had it with writing like Souhan's — the tortured prose; the sloppy research; the wrong-headed conclusions. And the damnable one-sentence paragraphs. We are at the point now where we can no longer travel by air, because we are ripe for jumping. Ah, let's go to the vital statistics: Name: Jim Souhan. Columnist: Minneapolis Star-Tribune. Attended: University of Missouri. Nicknames: Mothra, J-Sou, Ichabod. Most often heard on: KSTP 1500-AM, 10 a.m.-noon Sundays. Best description in an e-mail to Deadspin headquarters: "Souhan is young and (presumably) cognizant enough to know better. He's an absolute embarrassment to Minnesotans. Sort of like Mike Tice." Most resembles: Bill Nye, the Science Guy. Disturbing rumor: Sometimes gets together with Sid Hartman, picks up a couple of girls downtown and reenacts the motel room scene from the movie "Fargo." (Note: Not actually true.)

We didn't mind Souhan when he wrote for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram or the Dallas Morning News, or even in his early days at the Star-Tribune. Because he was a reporter then. But something happened when he was "promoted" to columnist. Some examples:

"Brad Johnson strolled through the Vikings' locker room this week wearing a red jersey and a backpack.

The jersey represents the fragility of NFL quarterbacks, and thus quarterback careers, signaling defenders not to hit him in practice.

The backpack symbolizes the mobility that has been required of him throughout his career."

?????

Also, it seems he has an unfortunate propensity for using Hurricane Katrina references.

Of course Souhan famously feuded with George Steinbrenner as the writer refusing to vote for Hideki Matsui in 2003 Rookie of the Year balloting, maintaining that because Matsui played previously in Japan, he wasn't really a rookie. (Comical slide-whistle sound effect here). You know, when you're arguing with Steinbrenner, and Steinbrenner comes off as the rational one, it's time to step back and take stock of your life.

Jim Souhan Archive [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]