Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: New York Jets.
Your 2014 record: 4-12 …
Your coach: Todd Bowles. “As soon as I got to be an All-American, I dislocated my wrist.” Yup. Sounds like a born Jet!
Anyway, Bowles arrives in New York as the replacement for Rex Ryan. The former was a hero to this team’s primary fanbase of surly ConEd manhole scrubbers. But that’s in the past now. Funtime is OVER. With Rex Ryan, you suck, but at least there are snacks. Now the Jets are going to suck in the most nondescript way possible.
This is the pattern in New York. The Jets bring in a brash guy like Rex Ryan and fans and the media are like, “Hey, he’s a loudmouth asshole like us! A REAL NEW YORKER!” And then the act wears thin and, as a counterbalance, the Jets bring in a quiet, lame coach, and a few years later everyone is like, “THIS GUY IS A PUSSY! WE NEED ANOTHER LOUDMOUTH ASSHOLE THAT WE CAN RELATE TO IN THERE!” And on and on it goes. If you’re lucky, you get a coach like Herm Edwards who BECOMES a loudmouth asshole just so he can fit in with you morons.
There’s also a new GM in town. Everyone say hello to Mike Maccagnan. Not sure that name is Irish enough. He sounds like every character in every Edward Burns movie. Maccagnan is a former scout for the Texans and known chiefly as a “protégé of Jets consultant Charley Casserly.” Sweet fucking Jesus. That’s like bragging about taking a birth control seminar conducted by Antonio Cromartie. (It’s funny because he has many children.)
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. Geno Smith is special in that he can fuck up ANY play: basic handoffs, dump passes, quick counts … I don’t even trust him when the DEFENSE is on the field. When the Jets are on defense, I fully expect Geno to distract them by accidentally tripping over the stadium circuit breaker, thus allowing a 98-yard touchdown.
Once Geno is benched and allowed to say his final FUCK YOUs to the Jets fanbase, your options at QB are FitzMagic and rookie Bryce Petty. Oh … Bryce Petty. Oh, I bet they love you now. I bet every Jets fan out there is masturbating into his hard hat thinking about your potential. They’ll scream your name and cry out for you to replace Geno and Fitz every five minutes… and then you’ll enter the game, and throw one incomplete pass, and then the New York Post will print 500,000 commemorative issues with your face Photoshopped onto a butthole, blaring GO HOME PETTY BOY.
What’s new that sucks: Here is how pathetic the Jets are: They drafted Darrelle Revis, and then squandered his best years with Mark Sanchez at QB, and then openly feuded with him about money on more than one occasion, and then let him walk to Tampa, and then watched as he fled Tampa for New England and won a Super Bowl with their most hated rival. And then Revis cashed in by bilking the Jets for $39 million in guaranteed money. That is a highly embarrassing sequence of events for any self-aware franchise. This is not that franchise.
I mean … Christ. That is so sad. I’m not sure I can think of a more pathetic instance of misplaced arrogance. You are George Costanza, sitting in his car, thinking of a lame comeback hours after you needed it. Revis will be paired in the backfield with Antonio Cromarite, who doesn’t even have to be on the field to get burned these days.
In other news, Sheldon Richardson got suspended for four games, which ruins the only part of this team that ought to make you feel optimistic. Oh, and Jeremy Kerley re-signed! THE IMMORTAL JEREMY KERLEY. What a weapon. All your offensive woes have been solved.
But that’s not all! The Jets also let Percy Harvin walk after needlessly trading for him, and gave Chicago a fifth-rounder for Brandon Marshall to take his place. Marshall has personally talked about his history with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I can think no calmer, more stable landing spot for him than the fucking JETS. He’ll be throwing a water fountain through a window and running away within five weeks. I hope they give him Harvin’s Gatorade opener.
Also, Stevan Ridley is here to tear his ACL. Has he torn it yet? He probably tore it just now. Oh, but he’s a former Patriot! THE JETS TRIUMPH ONCE AGAIN.
What has always sucked: As always, the Jets remain a second class team, eternally defined by their comical fuckups. And they play for a bunch of second class bridge-and-tunnelers who are unloved and unwanted by the very city their team claims to represent. Their “Show Us Your Tits!” brashness is hilariously transparent act that does nothing to cover up their massive insecurities. You morons think eggplant parm is a health food. You deserve this shit team, and you deserve this absolute SHITBAG of an owner … a clueless pharmaceutical scion who still probably rides a tricycle around his mansion while taking a dump in his training pants. The Jets are a team that is run by a baby, and cheered on by babies, and that will never change.
What might not suck: I’ll be damned, but the Jets had arguably the best draft out of any team in the league this offseason. They had Leonard Williams fall into their laps. They got an absolutely insane pass-catcher in Devin Smith. And they took a flyer on Petty in the fourth round. That’s a good draft! And there’s one thing I know about draft prognosticating, it’s that seemingly good drafts ALWAYS work out exactly as you envisioned.
Hear it from Jets fans!
I had some tickets to see the Jets play on MNF last season, so I went to the closet to pick out my jersey for the game. I own 5 different player jerseys (although shockingly none of them are Namath or Revis). After 20 minutes of staring at my collection, I wore the Testaverde to see us get creamed by the Bears at home.
Kelly (Sean’s friend):
Fuck Sean. Sean is the one who dragged my ass to that same Monday night game, then pulled a god damn vanishing act at midnight, leaving me to shuffle home to the city at two miles an hour sandwiched next to a loud racist man in a Chrebet jersey aboard a New Jersey Transit train that smelled like farts. Like the king of farts. Have we done the research? Are we sure farts don’t originate aboard NJ Transit? This train car might well be the epicenter of all farts. Fuck Sean, fuck the Jets, fuck NJ Transit, and fuck me, too. Sigh. If Chip Kelly manages to make the combination of Sanchez and Tebow work I will burn all five of Sean’s precious Jets jerseys in a trash can as close as I can possibly get to New Jersey without actually entering the state.
God, I hate this team.
Fuck Drunk Joe Namath tweets with a Hulk fist.
My current life as a Jets fan:
- I celebrate first downs the way other teams celebrate touchdowns
- Last year, the Jets lost to the Patriots by 1 point in one game and 2 points in the other. Those were the happiest moments of the NFL season for me
- I actually said, out loud and completely seriously, “I’m excited they signed Ryan Fitzpatrick this year!!”
- Ryan Fitzpatrick.
I once tweeted positively about Greg McElroy.
The highlight of last season was watching Geno Smith light up the Dolphins in a meaningless Week 17 game. That was the best part. Nothing was more exciting. Fuck.
The only thing worse than being a Jets fans are Jets fans themselves.
I went to a Jets- Pats game at Giants Stadium with my brother-in-law. We are sitting in a section of mostly Jets fans chatting with the guy sitting next to us, nice guy. Needless to say, somewhere around the middle of the 3rd quarter there was an argument among Jetsfans further down the row. The “nice guy” we had been chatting with goes in to the middle to break it up...or so we thought. He proceeds to calm everyone down, and then turns and sucker punches the guy his friend was arguing with, falling on him and then flopping like a beached whale. Needless to say everyone was hauled off by security allowing us to survey the damage. Several members of the brawl looked as if they had softballs growing from their foreheads whilst others looked like they had just finished an MMA match.
Whilst this kerfuffle occurred, the Patriots fan sitting with his son right behind us asks, “Why are they fighting? They’re all Jets fans.” My immediate reply was, “Because we’re Jets fans. If we had reason or common sense we’d like a good team.”
Because we had a fantastic, eerily competent offseason — got the consensus best player in the draft, signed a legit pass-catching savant, brought home the greatest player in our team’s history AND stole him from a hated rival in the process — and none of it matters because our quarterback is a human butt fumble named Geno. And all we have to hedge against this awful pit in our stomach is that Ron Jaworski thinks he might not be THAT terrible. Fuck you, Jaws.
Because the most confidence I’ve ever seen from this team was Rex’s “Let’s Go Eat a Goddamn Snack” speech on Hard Knocks.
Our fans at the Meadowlands make that Santa Barbara shooter look like Gloria Steinem.
I went to a Jets-Bills game 2 years ago. There was a guy who was fairly inebriated about 4 rows down who was heckling any Bill that touched the ball. As a Jets fan, I have encountered my fair share of asshole fans at the stadium, but this guy was not only screaming at them but also waving a wrapped piece of Kraft Singles cheese in the air. Not sure exactly what the point of it was besides that it annoyed the shit out of the fans behind him. Security came over and he pretended like nothing happened and went about waving the cheese after they left. These are the fucking people I have to associate myself with.
Three years ago, Mark fucking Sanchez threw the ball to Tim fucking Tebow on a flat route and hit him in the back of his helmet.
Today, our quarterback situation is somehow even worse.
When I am out in public and see or meet another Jets fan, I immediately hate them with my entire heart and soul. I don’t need to talk to them. I already know absolutely everything I need to know about them. They are the worst. Just like me. Every time I see a car on the highway with a Jets sticker in the window I want to drive it off the road. When I see a guy with a Jets shirt or jersey on I want to break his nose.
My dad once gave my 8-year-old brother money to go to the concession stand at a Jets game. He came back with a hot dog for him and a beer for my dad. They sold beer to an 8-year-old! God bless New Jersey.
We may have built the only stadium in sports history that is actually worse than the one it replaced. The building itself is a logistical brain fuck and whoever designed this monstrosity, which resembles the Death Star more than a football stadium, should be jailed. If you’re sitting in the upper level, it will take you no less than a half hour to get out of MetLife after a game.
Fuck Brett Favre sideways with a lunch box.
Mark Sanchez is probably the best QB we’ve had in a decade.
I went to E3 this year and got a chance to play Madden 16 at the EA booth. I asked one of the EA workers a question about the Jets mainly “Is QB the main position that is the weakest for the Jets?” His response was without a thought “Isn’t it always?”
When the new Nike jerseys came out, I went to a sports authority to pick one up. As I’m watching the game on TV in the store (Jets vs Dolphins) I’m looking at their selection and they only have Revis, Tebow and Sanchez left. I’m like “You know what? Fuck it. I’m gonna get the Sanchez jersey and support my QB”. And as I’m paying for it, literally after I swipe the card, Sanchez throws a pick in the red zone. Fuck the Jets with Revis’ NE Super Bowl ring.
After the Jets’ two consecutive AFC Championships, when Sanchez was showing that he clearly sucked despite the playoff runs and could never be a successful QB, I was a merciless defender of his. I constantly pointed out his good play in the playoffs during 2009 and 2010 as a rookie and sophomore and kept pointing to his stats at that point in his career being similar to those of guys like Eli, who has won 2 superbowls, etc etc. One night, I got into one particularly heated argument with a friend of mine, who was a huge Giants fan, who loved to taunt me about my stance on Sanchez, constantly berating him as a terrible quarterback, and mocking me for supporting him despite all the evidence of his terribleness. I told him to shut up and watch the game about to start, confident that Sanchez wouldn’t let me down and would step up in the big game we were about to watch. What game was that, you might ask? November 22, 2012. Patriots vs. Jets. Thanksgiving night. Yes, BUTT FUMBLE night.
I attended a game in the mid 80’s at Giants Stadium as part of a day trip from my parish to reward the altar boys for serving that year. We went to see the Jets where we saw all sorts of indecent behavior, culminating with seeing one Jet fan piss himself and vomit at the same time. As my pastor muttered under his breath that this place was a hell on Earth, a nearby fan heard him and said, “Guess you haven’t seen a game at Shea then.”
I was almost a Giants fan. I was so close.
Submissions for the 2015 NFL previews are now closed. Next up: The Chicago Bears.